So I have done it. I turned in my two-week notice at Borders yesterday. In two weeks I will begin my new job at a bankruptcy firm, assembling packets of some kind. Goodbye $0.17 raise, hello more dollars!
I feel guilty about leaving the store when the cafe is already critically short-staffed, but I won't miss spending all my time in the cafe (I like the books!), and I definitely won't miss the part where Seattle's Best grades you on making conversation with the customers. (Can't I just be distantly friendly & make their coffee quickly?) And I'll never have to train anyone on Borders procedure again. Still ... even after only two months at the new store, there are a couple of people I will miss a lot. And of course my discount ... perhaps at some point I can work part-time on weekends. But for now, Borders will very soon be me-less, which is disorienting after so long (six and 2/3 years!). But I am adaptable, and I will prevail.
I find it deeply ironic that after listening to Jason complain so much about my unpredictable retail schedule & never having weekends off & my not making enough money & etc etc, I am leaving the retail world when it is too late to help out that relationship & will in fact now have to spend all those free evenings & weekends finding ways to stay away from the house while he & Jamie are in it. But moving time is very soon now, & then I'll be free. And my new officey hours will benefit me because I'll never have to worry about how late the last bus goes by again. And on holidays, I'll do ... whatever non-retail people do on holidays ...
So, the Sunday before last, Jason broke up with me. Two and a half years and we're done. I moved into the other room, but we still live in the same house. That's been interesting so far. I'm trying to resist the temptation to talk to him because whenever I do, I end up in my room sobbing my heart out. When I don't, I am beginning to have moments of okay here & there, and seeing how things can be better.
But.
Today I got to work and was told that the store where I've worked for the last six and a half years will be closing at the end of the month. I've got to decide what to do & where to go. I love that store. Everyone there is like a family. A family with 26 days left before everyone scatters to the winds. Plus now I can't check out books anymore. Do I transfer to another store & try to figure out new bus schedules? Do I use friend connections to get a job at Starbucks & maybe find a car with six weeks of severance pay? Do I try to find an office job in the area (because really I think I'd like one, maybe I could even work at a nearby Borders on the weekends & try to pay down my debt some)? Do I take this as a sign from the universe that I need a whole new beginning & should do something drastic like move to Boise (where my sister lives) & leave all my roots & beloved friends behind? (My father was in the Air Force - I never had roots or lived anywhere longer than three years before I moved up here for college. Plus, meeting new people is scary at any age, let alone now when there's no easy to to do it ...)
Feeling a little overwhelmed and panicky here ...
I've always thought Valentine's Day was stupid, even before I started working in retail. Which helps when you have no one special to spend it with. I bought myself some dark chocolate squares with caramel filling at work (50% off!), though I haven't eaten any yet. Talked to the roommate for a while (she gave me some of her Girl Scout Samoa cookies - true friendship!), surfed online, & watched Office Season 2 on DVD, which was fun. Still being awake to hear the ex come home at 4:30 am after spending Valentine's Day in Denton with the new girlfriend he took up with immediately after breaking up with me three weeks ago? Not so much fun. Bleah. That did puncture my hard-won feeling of peace & hopefulness that had finally come over me this week.
No worries, though. I went to the eye doctor today (to use my insurance in case I leave Borders & it runs out next month) & will be getting contacts & new glasses soon. The glasses guy seems very pro-plastic frames, anti-metal. I did end up getting plastic frames, but the black or heavy-framed ones he picked out at first were all rejected. It takes a certain force of personality to take something from gaudy or ugly to adventurous & fun, & I don't think I have that. I'm all about the subtle ... I liked the ones I chose, even if they weren't a bold statement. And soon I'll be seeing better, because my prescription has changed some. Yay for better vision!
All week I felt surprisingly okay, for living in the same house as my now-ex-boyfriend. My friends took me over to their place several nights to hang out & watch TV, & I talked to our other roommate, who was my best friend for ten years - this last year has put a strain on our friendship & we've been on & off talking to each other. We hadn't talked since before Christmas, & it was nice to speak with her again, even if it was for just a little while. I've even talked to Jason a couple of times & we had friendly ten-minute talks about stuff we were doing, reading, etc.
Then yesterday I went to a birthday party for an old college friend. We played games, ate pizza, watched episodes of House - fun was had. His wife was driving me home (since I have no car) at 2:30 am and as we pulled up in front of the house, we could see through the living room window that Jason was in there with the girl he said he had feelings for the night we broke up. He said today that they were just talking because the coffee shop closed, but I don't care. It's been five days - Five Days! - since our two and a half year relationship ended. I'm fine with him bringing other friends over, but not her. They can just have coffee at IHOP - not my home. He keeps saying he wants to be friends, but friends have more regard for each other's feelings than that ... But seriously. Five days!
I ended up spending the night at my college friends house, then having lunch with them & going shopping, which was a nice distraction. But after I got home & talked to Jason & asked him not to bring her here again, I went in my room & cried a lot. Which really sucks on the one hand, but on the other, at least I can stop wondering when the numbness will wear off or if there's something wrong with me because I don't feel intense emotions ... The other shoe has dropped, & I do. Thank goodness for friends - they've been a lifesaver this week.
So this weekend Jason brought his new girlfriend (the one he dumped me for, who by now I have no problem hating) over to the house we share. I was standing in my pajamas making coffee in the kitchen when they arrived, and ran & hid in my room for a little while - but his room is just the other side of my bathroom wall. So our other roommate, my best friend for ten years, took me out & we had a nice day at the park & seeing a movie (Music & Lyrics - it was cute, Hugh Grant is aging well).
Since then Jason & I have exchanged some e-mails. He thinks it's selfish of me not to consider how they have nowhere to go (they can't go to her place because her ex-fiance that she dumped for Jason lives there) & can't relax & watch movies together. And yet he wants to be friends, he says, because he thinks of me as his best friend & I was everything he wanted except for not enough sex. Which I did try to work on, & we were doing better, but he gave up on us so it doesn't matter. Nothing I did was good enough for him, and I'm better off without him. And apparently he's an ass who expects me to be just fine with him bringing over my replacement & making lattes for her like he used to for me, & doing everything we used to do, here.
Last night I was over at my friends place, and I felt all philosophical & accepting & thankful for all the wonderful blessings in my life & ready to move on. Then I got home this morning, and they were here, & I hid downstairs & fell apart & wanted to die. And he's not even worth it!
I may end up camping out on friends' couches until the end of June (lease ends) after all. I'll just have to figure out transportation & try to make it up to them for being such a burden.
... because usually I only feel bloggy when I'm sad. I have to balance things out!
Today I got to wake up in my own bed, with my dog by my feet. I love my friends & really appreciate them giving me refuge when I need it, but even though their couch/bed is comfy & their kittens are cuddly, there's really nothing like waking up at your own pace in your bed with your dog.
Last night I had a long talk with Jason. At first it was all superficial, "what have you been reading" type of talk, then on to the things that are always there underneath (he didn't want to talk about sad things, which was a change - usually I was the one who didn't want to bring up problems we couldn't do anything about ...). That part of the conversation was long & completely unfun, but I guess better than e-mails. There's anger on both sides, and blame, and lots of things we'll never agree on, but also sadness, and an acknowledgement that it's a bad situation, and no one's trying to make it worse out of spite, and neither of us wants to live in constant hostility. I think he has agreed that Sunday, Wednesday, & Thursday, his new girlfriend won't be coming over (he kept saying how they try to be quiet & unobtrusive when they're here, and I said I don't care. It pains me physically & drives me into a swirl of badness just knowing she's in my house, and I can't be here for that. I'm trying to heal & focus on good things, not wallow in pain all the time!).
My friends are all angry for me, and one of them was trying to urge me to embrace my Inner Bitch, who is sadly stifled. I just can't keep anger going that long because I always start thinking of the other person's point of view & losing faith in my absolute rightness & wanting to be conciliatory, and I also believe anger held onto too long curdles into bitterness & just harms yourself instead of the person it's aimed at. I know I could use some more fire in me. but I'm also happy with who I am - a relatively calm & peaceful person most of the time.
In non-angsty news - the next couple of nights should be fun. Tonight my best friends are taking me to see Rent performed in Fort Worth. I liked the movie okay, but it's my friends favorite musical of a world of musicals she loves, and she's extra-happy about showing it to someone for the first time, so that should be a lot of fun. And then tomorrow is my old college friends birthday party, so I'll get to see an entirely different group of friends & relax & be out of the house for a while without going to the friend's house where I've been hanging out so much lately - I love them for taking me in, but worry that I'm being a burden or taking away their time together and they'll get tired of me, so I'm happy when I can see other friends & give them a night off.
Hmm - that's bordering on angsty again, so anyway. I'm also reading a science fiction novel that's picked up pace & gotten quite interesting - Iron Sunrise by Charles Stross. It's been sitting on my to-read pile for a while, and I'm finally getting around to it. I haven't read a good space-opera-thriller thing in a while, and it's exercising all sorts of dormant brain muscles. Lots of good fun on the train ride to work!
I mentioned in a couple of postings elsewhere that I've had a bad weekend. Friday night, instead of going to visit his grandmother as we had planned, my boyfriend & I had a big discussion of issues - things that had been bothering him, things that been getting to me (like the control thing in my last blog). We came to the conclusion we should break up, then started crying & went to sleep next to each other. Then the next day we sort of retreated, & I said maybe we could work on things, & he said to give him time to think, & went out with his friends while I surfed online all night, making sad posts.
He didn't get home before I left for work the next day, & when I got home, he said he'd been thinking, & confessed that he had feelings for someone he had asked out before we'd started dating, but she was too young then. His crush never went away, & she apparently has a thing for him, even though she's seeing someone else. He didn't name her, but I knew right away who he meant. And I can't even get angry at him (yet) because she's beautiful & thoughtful & musical & fun. So I said, well, we could work on other things but I can't do anything about that. So that's it.
I'll need to start the long process of separating our stuff soon, but today I am still on autopilot & feeling numb. I think he's confused too - just now he called from work to make sure I was okay, & seemed to want to talk. (I've been in the habit of making a little ten-minute call every day on my break.) Last time someone broke up with me (my first boyfriend - we dated for seven years), I was able to not see him for months & I was healed by the time I saw him next. But now, I'll have to move into the spare bedroom, which is still extremely full of all my brother's junk from when he took off & never came back to get anything. Our lease doesn't run out until June, & none of us (including my longtime roommate, who is now angry at both of us) has the money to break the lease & move out (it would involve huge fines). And I'll see J all the time. But he won't be mine anymore. And he'll want to talk, & make sure I'm not mad at him, & be friends right away. And I just want space to heal.
Thank god for friends. My only plan last night was to get out of the house & call my friends S & S. And they were free, & we watched TV & talked, & took me out to a bar to celebrate another friend's birthday, & people bought me drinks & we chatted & smoked & they said they would hate J for me since I can't, & didn't mind when I cried on the table. Then I fell asleep on their couch & woke up with a kitten next to me.
So begins life without J. At least without him being my J. I will use this time to see friends more & spend more time on my spirituality again & be a strong independent feminist-type grown-up who doestn't need to be needed & can wait for someone who loves her. And when the numbness wears off & I break down I will try my best to remember my new mission statement.
Sorry for the length of this blog ... venting has been accomplished now.
I remember all the reasons I don't want Jason back anymore, and they're good ones. But when I told him I made a personals ad, he suddenly broke up with his girlfriend & spent hours on the phone begging me to take him back. WTF?! It's been a year and a half!
Another e-mail at lunch today was trying to wriggle past my defenses & make me think, what if? He was saying he's changed, and realizes what a terrible mistake he made, and he never wants to be without me, etc etc.
I think, even though I dislike all the drama he carries around with him, that e-mail got to me because I'm a quiet person with domestic ambitions & a pragmatic soul. I'm not a believer in the doomed epic love, with artistic angst & drugs & alcohol & whatever. Part of me is amazed at the idea that anyone would write that about me.
But still, he's a grown-up & makes his own decisions, and I make mine. My brain still feels solidly in control, and I'm looking forward to my new dating adventures. Except for that one voice in the corner that isn't getting with the program ...
Today the sun is shining & all is right with my world. Yay for two happy days in a row! We have a house, will sign the lease soon. Everybody will have their own bathroom, and my brother will be able to get out of our parent's house & get a bit of a new start. The dog will have a yard to sniff around in, and there will be high-speed internet! Goodbye, evil dial-up.
Yesterday I started reading Little, Big by John Crowley. I've seen lots of raves for it & had it recommended by a friend whose opinion I trust, but haven't read it before. I tried once in high school, but drifted away. Also I remember being slowed down by having to look up more words than I was used to. I wasn't aware my vocabulary had increased that much since high school, but apparently it has, because so far I haven't come across anything I can't figure out. Odd ...
A few months ago, one of our friends started a book club because she was frustrated with the one she had been in, and our last meeting on Sunday was a lot of fun. Excellent discussion, over both the book (The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana) and some tangential issues raised by the style it was written in. On the way home, Jason & I debated a couple of things that had gotten passed over in the general group discussion. My brain felt all exercised and happy, which got me all ambitious at work the next day - I picked out several exciting, thought-provoking looking books to read next (I work in a bookstore, so I can check out the new books). This book club has been a lot of fun - reminded me of the joys of reading a book with my thinking-hat on instead of just for relaxation or entertainment. Ah, brain-usingness - I forgot how much fun you can be!
Another day, another attempt at a blog ... I keep thinking bloggy thoughts lately and then end up surfing away all my internet time.
As it turns out, sharing a house with my boyfriend, best friend, & brother was The Worst Idea Ever. Pfui. Nobody gets along, and it is all very tense. And they all complain to me about each other instead of talking directly. Except for Chrissy, who apparently hates everybody now because we're all too noisy. C'est la vie ...
I am trying to embrace positive thoughts. For instance, I totaled my car in June during the move (it was a nice four months of car-ownership ), but the house we're renting is two minutes walk from the bus stop, and by extreme good luck the bus route that runs nearby is the one that curves around & goes right by my workplace. Also, the bus is airconditioned, where the car was not, and I have forty minutes each way to read, so I've been going through books like mad recently. See? All positive.
This morning I dug through my to-try imp box and found Baghdad. There's the saffron note that works so well on me in Underpants! Days off are perfect for imp testing - I sit around & drink coffee while enjoying some new fragrance, and by the time I'm ready to shower & get all gussied up for the day, it's worn off & I can decide what known scent I'm in the mood for.
Things I can do again now that I'm not dating Jason:
- watch TV with subtitles. I love subtitles! Jason found them too distracting, but they have so many benefits! You can turn the volume down to be considerate to the other roommate who has to get up earlier in the morning, & still watch TV. You can pick up things you would have had to rewind several times to hear. You can save time on watching special features like deleted scenes of the Office by putting on the subtitles then fast-forwarding & reading the little sentences as they flicker by (sometimes I get really impatient ).
- eat whenever I want instead of having to wait for him to get home so we can eat at the same time. Also, go to Taco Bell on the way home if I feel like it for some reason, without having to consult anyone else.
- choose what to watch. For instance, last night I found the 1994 movie Kiss of Death on TV & watched the last half of it. In high school my friend & I had a thing for David Caruso & we loved this movie. It was a little simpler than I remembered, and I think his magic is gone for me, but all the actors were still good, & it was fun. And then when I needed something to distract me (I'm fine during the day - work, calling friends - but then at night when I try to sleep I start to think about what we were doing a week or two ago & start to cry) I can put on my DVDs of the original Batman cartoon & drift off admiring its art. Jason finds South Park to be soothing on sleepless nights, and I grew to appreciate some of its wittiness, but it's got nothing on Batman!
- watch the opening credits as many times as I want when watching rented TV show dvds without being pressured to fast-forward through them to save time. I enjoy the theme songs - it's part of the whole experience!
Hmm. Next time I'll try to find some that aren't TV-oriented. That's just what I did last night. I'm trying to think more positively & post blogs that aren't just sadness. This may not be all the way there yet, but it's a step ...
I can't tell, but I think I may have just posted all the entries I wrote weeks ago. No wonder no one commented on them. I feel kind of stupid, but from reading other blogs I know at least I'm not alone!
Have to go pack now. I'm helping my boyfriend pack up all his stuff - most is going into storage, the rest will come with him to stay at my apartment with me & my roommate & our cat & dog (so cozy!) for the next month till our lease runs out. Then we'll move into the new place which we have not found yet.
A few years ago I made myself really sick one day by indulging in donuts, Cokes, & chips at a work event. I thought I'd learned my lesson & had been avoiding big confluences of sugary foods. But Friday was the last day of work at our store (we closed a week ago, and spent this last week packing things up to return), and for lunch we had pizza & Cokes & birthday cake for two people who turned 21 that day. Since it was so dusty when we were pulling apart the registers & packing them away, I had two full-sugar Cokes after we ran out of diet. Then that evening when I was out having a birthday dinner with one of the coworkers, I had a strawberry margarita, & blam! The sugar & the alcohol brought on a major hypoglycemic attack - I fought off sleep & nausea until I was able to get home, where I spent the rest of the night alternating between passed out & feverishly cold, & throwing up everything I ever ate. That was two days ago, and still no food looks good. Fruit might be okay ... I should go buy an apple tomorrow.
The store closing has also contributed to general crappiness. I cleaned out six and a half years of debris from my locker (more tea than could be believed). Wherever the lockers go after the fixtures are auctioned off, they will have a BPAL Trading Post sticker attached ...
But in general, I am backsliding. I was doing fairly well with the breaking-up thing, but being in the same house is just too much. How can he be so happy with someone else already? He was so easy to talk to, and I miss that, even though he was often mean. He was also my experiment in being open & trusting, which comes hard to me. I can't imagine trusting anyone ever again.
Maybe tomorrow I will be able to eat again, & things will seem better.
I've packed up some DVDs and a whole passel of imps - that means I can go back online for a little while now, right? (This is why my packing progress has been so slow ... but on the plus side, I remembered to read all the Heroes online graphic novels the other day before the speedy computer & superspeedy fiber internet goes away ...)
I found my long-lost Townes van Zandt cd in Jason's bathroom under some incense! Yay! Moving isn't entirely evil maybe.
I have discovered that Vanilla Coke Zero is a much better packing motivator than beer. Why I needed to discover this through experience instead of just realizing it through thinking, I don't know.
If Chrissy managed to get all her stuff except the flower pots on the patio out in one day while everyone else was at work, then I should be able to get a decent amount of stuff packed up for the movers to transport for me by Saturday morning, right? Seems logical ...
The other night I couldn't go to sleep, so I went downstairs to try to pack & instead ended up looking at old photos. (See above re: slow progress ...) In my head all my college friends all still look the same - there's some weird mental overlay between my eyes and my perception. I showed some pictures to Jason & he didn't believe me that they were the same people he'd met at first. And that wasn't even the album from my freshman year, it was all the way up in 1999.
So, a bunch of stuff-related realizations (why do I have so much junk? What is the best way to pack action figures without smushing them & their accessories? Why have I twice moved two boxes full of magazines that I'll never read again? Whywhywhy?) and dust and torment and cleaning and by July 1st, I'll be free! Just me and the dog - no more roommate stress!!! Freeeeeeeee .....
I forgot my ex-boyfriend's birthday was the 3rd. Now I feel oddly guilty ... We had friendly conversations over the weekend, then he got angry Monday over an issue with the other roommate (he was trying to put me in the middle of their dispute again, and I was thinking how much I don't miss feeling like I have to put up with his emotional manipulation). So yesterday we exchanged irritable messages, and I didn't say happy birthday or anything - because I totally forgot until 2 am the next day ...
I know it makes no sense to feel guilty. But it kind of points out how much things have changed in an uncomfortable way.
Anyway, I've been feeling good this week. All ready for my fresh start - my card of the day the other day was The Fool. Exciting beginnings! Spring is the perfect time for that (although it feels like it's practically over already. 80 degrees today - bleah).
My Grandpa Jesse died this morning, and I just found out (yes, I will answer my phone more regularly in the future so as to avoid voice mail news ...) He was 95.
I think I met him twice. His children never had a good word to say about him. We never had an actual conversation (he didn't seem to like children much). But he must have had friends, and his second family probably was fond of him. I'll bet he did interesting things when he was younger, & had stories to tell. Perhaps he had mellowed with age ...
Here's to you, Grandpa Jesse.
I've been turning to my paper journal lately more than my blogs, because it seems like all I have in my head is inchoate gloominess and blah-blah-I-miss-my-Jason-even-though-he-sucks. I bore me, why bore everyone else? But also, when I write in my paper journal, I get to use my two fountain pens, and that always cheers me up some by itself.
Things have actually been getting a little better. At work things haven't changed too much yet - we've started telling customers the store is closing, and most of them want to know when stuff goes on sale (not till the 11th). A fair number also seem sad - the regulars, the people who were so happy to have a bookstore in their neighborhood. Apparently Richardson is not meant to have a convenient bookstore, because they all close due to lack of money-making. Coworkers are all figuring out who's transferring where. I've started seriously thinking about moving to Boise & living near my sister & niece. My friends have offered me places to stay for a few months so I can get out of the house with Jason (complicated a bit by my adorable but overly-furry and accident prone dog) & suggested I pass my resume on to them. I need to make one now - it's like writing papers when I was in college, I seem to have this weird mental block. But it's got to be done, and I will do it this afternoon! *determined face*
Tried to take a better picture, but it didn't quite work out ... Sorry for the fuzziness.
Seven of Wands. Not sure what to make of it, so I did a little comparative setup with the Celtic Dragon, Llewellyn, Robin Wood, & Halloween decks.
Am currently a bit preoccupied by something I learned at a party the other night. I drank too much for how little food I had consumed that day, so lost a lot of party time to sitting veryverystill & then curling up next to the toilet.
During the latter stage, a former coworker I've been friendly with but never really close to came in to sit with me, & while we were in there, she was telling me that my friends are concerned that my boyfriend is too controlling, & trying to find out how I felt about it. I wasn't quite sure what to say. I've thought that myself sometimes, but we've discussed it & it's one of the things we've been negotiating. I'm sad that part is what they see, and that they don't see the things that I'm so in love with (his humor, kindness, smarts, sense of wonder ...). I know we don't have a perfect relationship, but I don't believe in perfect, not being perfect myself, and I think we have a lot going for us. I just wish my friends & family liked him more. It's very isolating to know they're all looking sideways at him ...
Just feeling a bit melancholy today, I guess. Fits with the ice & coldness outside. Time for a mug of chestnut tea ...
Time for another blog ... I wrote out a huge entry Saturday, then the computer ate it and I wandered off, frustrated ...
I'm feeling relaxed today. Yesterday was my Jason's birthday, and he didn't have a particularly fun day because he had work & class until 10, and was then all tired. I'm hoping to make it up for him by extending birthdayness all week.
We're taking a few days off the realtor/house-hunting thing, after a big disappointment on Saturday. Nice to not be worrying quite so constantly, for a little while at least! On the plus side, we did free credit checks online and are all clear on that front.
At work, new things to be crazy-hectic about - our newest employee is needing a bunch of remedial training & having behavioral issues. It's hard to believe anyone could have such rapid behavior changes without being chemically enhanced. Sadly we have to wait for him to keep messing up over & over & document it before we can fire him. (Reference checks these days are worse than useless - nobody says anything other than "Yes, he worked here" because they're afraid of being sued. Leading to this!) So for this week, I get to spend all my time training him over & over again. Bleah.
Even though I slept extra-late today, I'm still kinda draggy & my eyes look zombiefied. More coffee, with toffee nut creamer. I'm a coffee weakling - have to have it every day, but it must always be modified. I'm using less & less sugar these days though - teeny progress.
My Monas locket arrived this week, & yesterday I wore it for the first time with Mars. I put some on my wrists too - I could smell the locket if I sniffed it, but I seem to be a cold-natured person, 'cause I didn't get a lot of throw. It smelled best when I was outside in the sun. Should be perfect to wear to a renaissance fair - then I wouldn't have to feel sad because I couldn't reapply every hour on the hour like I normally do.
Well. Just rambling to show I'm still here, really. I'll try to be more interesting next time!
My younger brother just made a Myspace page lately, and he's gotten caught up in new-blog-excitement. I remember this from when I first made my LJ & was posting all the time - then people found it & I got all self-conscious & now it's pretty much just quizzes & random musings.
My brother's first few entries were about music, movies, his disenchantment with modern baseball - all well & good. His last entry started out talking about the finale of some show he watches, then ended with this:
"I realized a few nights ago when I stopped talking. I figure that I was pretty normal in Mountain Home (K-2) and again in Staunton (3&4). But I completely shut down after we moved to Haleyville (5th grade). I've been drifting these last 14 years. Was this change as marked as I'm remembering? or was I never normal?"
My brother never says anything introspective. Never! I simultaneously want to hug him & tell him he'll be fine, and am thinking, No! Anyone can stumble across stuff you put on the internet - cousins, family ... We are a reticent, secretive people (he doesn't talk much, really, but many people talk too much - we're just quiet and he's the quietest), and I'm suspicious of any opening up. Maybe he'll think better of it soon & edit the entry - I did that with several blog entries myself when I realized more than two people had found it.
He'll be moving up here in a couple of weeks. Maybe switching locales will help, & he'll start feeling more adventurous & positive. That's another reason I really wanted a four-bedroom house, even though some friends of mine thought it wasn't a good idea. He gets along with the other two people we'll be living with, and if he was going to get his own place he would have done it already. This seems like a good first step ...
The dog has been barking a lot in her sleep today. She woke me up that way this morning, but it was so cute I couldn't be annoyed. They just sort of bubble up out of her ... I hope in her dreams she scares all the intruders away, the way she can't in real life because she only weighs 12 pounds.
I haven't done much with my tarot decks the last few months - I've been kind of vegging online in my spare time, I guess. Bad me. But the last week or so, I've been carrying my newest deck (the Llywellyn Tarot - gorgeous watercolor style, based on Welsh mythology) around in my bag & doing a one-card reading each morning.
It's been very interesting, & usually amazingly on-target - when an argument came up on a previously happy day, my first thought was, "So that's what that 3 of Swords was about!" But I'm detecting a theme - 8 of Swords one day (feeling powerless, needing to open eyes & take action?), Hanged Man another (sometimes a regenerative time of no action, sometimes a "stop waiting for other people to force you to a decision"), and today, the Death card (minor changes no longer enough. Change is necessary, and it'll hurt, but lead somewhere. Stop clinging to the old).
Can't say it's surprising, but I still don't know what to do. My living situation the past year has led to intense conflict & estrangement from my little brother and my best friend of the past ten years, and periodic strains in my relationship with my boyfriend. I end up trying to mediate between the man I love & my closest friend ever, who now hate each other, & that's not even bringing up how much my brother has put me in a bad situation & doesn't seem to care. Argh.
So I'm just trying to focus on the little things that get me by, & make of each day what I can, & put off Big Unpleasantnesses ... but these readings are reminding me you can't put off Reckonings forever. I still don't know what to do about anything though ... Guess I'll stick with day by day mode a little longer?
So, we got approved on a house in the general area we wanted (yay), but then my roommate blew up over stuff she had been letting build up a while.
This moving thing is a disaster. Ridiculous levels of stress, exposing all sorts of problems that had been building up. I guess I'll have to get over being angry at how mean she was & talk to her about this stuff, or I'll have lost my best friend & have nowhere to live. Plus, my guy has been trying to help everyone get along, but he's upset over how all this stress has affected our sex life. Which, I'm trying, but ... crazy stress!!! All my anchors are missing ...
At least the dog still loves me. The cat seems pretty indifferent, but his food bowl's full, so that's only to be expected.
Time to stop feeling sorry for myself & go to work.
Went out to my boyfriend's open mike last night, and afterwards we went dancing at the 80's night nearby. So much fun! They saved all the good songs for late in the evening - at one point they played Madonna's Into the Groove followed by a-Ha's Take Me On, and I thought I'd collapse from dancing so hard. Also, I realized the scent locket is perfect for going out dancing - the exertion makes me warm enough to waft lots of lovely scent around my head. Usually I wear something sexier like Red Phoenix when we go out, but last night I wore Old Scratch because I'd been craving it & it was wonderful. Warm, happy lavender. And I didn't have to worry about sweating it all away.
At one point, I told Jason, "Mmm, you smell good," just thinking it was him, and he said he'd put on Geek before we left & had been waiting for me to notice, but I hadn't because there had been no opportunity to get up close & enjoy. But once I did ...
I've been having a craptacular month (summer, year ...), & sometimes it just gets a bit overwhelming. The other day I dug out my bottle of Anthelion (Overcomes poverty, illness, and bad luck. Drives off despair and grief, and enables you to find hope and joy in life again). I've worn it before & been impressed both times, but feel reluctant to wear it too often for fear of ... I don't know, wearing it out? Asking too much & breaking it? But I definitely needed a lift, so wore it Tuesday.
The day started out not-so-great (I'm getting a Needs Improvement on my mid-year review - but my manager did say she's going to move me to another position since she knows I hate training), but then later my favorite former co-worker got called in to cover someone else's shift, and my boyfriend showed up to play games with the group in the cafe like he used to do, before his schedule got rearranged & he couldn't anymore. So I got to talk to my friend & see Jason & be all happy, & he gave me a ride home so I didn't have to wait for the bus, & we got yummy tacos & all was good.
Little glimpses of how good life can be sometimes really help you carry on when things just completely suck the rest of the time ... Now I need to find my bottle of Lionheart (Grants you immense amounts of courage and drive. Useful to help you recover from intense depression and ennui. Brings on a positive outlook, renews hope, and replenishes positive energy. Fills your spirit with the courage and nobility of a lion, warmed by the life-giving joy of its solar aspects). I keep misplacing things lately - really need to make a sales post & clear things out ...
