HOLY JINGLIN' JINGLE BELLS! The BPTP Yule Update is LIVE!

[kebechet]

Hear them jingle bells jinglin’? MUST BE TIME FOR YULE AT BLACK PHOENIX TRADING POST!

 

First off...

 

To accompany Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab’s Miskatonic Valley Yule Festival scents, Black Phoenix Trading Post presents three joyously jabbersome atmosphere sprays --

 

++ BPTP MISKATONIC VALLEY: THE FESTIVAL ATMOSPHERE SPRAYS

A GREAT WHITE CHURCH

Amid these hushed throngs I followed my voiceless guides; jostled by elbows that seemed preternaturally soft, and pressed by chests and stomachs that seemed abnormally pulpy; but seeing never a face and hearing never a word. Up, up, up the eerie columns slithered, and I saw that all the travellers were converging as they flowed near a sort of focus of crazy alleys at the top of a high hill in the centre of the town, where perched a great white church. I had seen it from the road’s crest when I looked at Kingsport in the new dusk, and it had made me shiver because Aldebaran had seemed to balance itself a moment on the ghostly spire.

 

Unholy incense drifting through mazelike streets: dragon’s blood resin, black frankincense, sickly-sweet cardamom, cassia, and myrrh.

 

 

AN AGED TOWN OF CURIOUS CUSTOMS

When I sounded the archaic iron knocker I was half afraid. Some fear had been gathering in me, perhaps because of the strangeness of my heritage, and the bleakness of the evening, and the queerness of the silence in that aged town of curious customs. And when my knock was answered I was fully afraid, because I had not heard any footsteps before the door creaked open. But I was not afraid long, for the gowned, slippered old man in the doorway had a bland face that reassured me; and though he made signs that he was dumb, he wrote a quaint and ancient welcome with the stylus and wax tablet he carried.

 

Ghastly secrets and terror-numb revelations: white mint, black amber, tallow, antediluvian woods, and sickly resins.

 

 

FOOTWORN STEPS LEADING INTO A DANK, SUFFOCATING CRYPT

The church was scarce lighted by all the lanthorns that had entered it, for most of the throng had already vanished. They had streamed up the aisle between the high white pews to the trap-door of the vaults which yawned loathsomely open just before the pulpit, and were now squirming noiselessly in. I followed dumbly down the footworn steps and into the dank, suffocating crypt. The tail of that sinuous line of night-marchers seemed very horrible, and as I saw them wriggling into a venerable tomb they seemed more horrible still. Then I noticed that the tomb’s floor had an aperture down which the throng was sliding, and in a moment we were all descending an ominous staircase of rough-hewn stone; a narrow spiral staircase damp and peculiarly odorous, that wound endlessly down into the bowels of the hill past monotonous walls of dripping stone blocks and crumbling mortar. It was a silent, shocking descent, and I observed after a horrible interval that the walls and steps were changing in nature, as if chiselled out of the solid rock. What mainly troubled me was that the myriad footfalls made no sound and set up no echoes. After more aeons of descent I saw some side passages or burrows leading from unknown recesses of blackness to this shaft of nighted mystery. Soon they became excessively numerous, like impious catacombs of nameless menace; and their pungent odour of decay grew quite unbearable. I knew we must have passed down through the mountain and beneath the earth of Kingsport itself, and I shivered that a town should be so aged and maggoty with subterraneous evil.

 

Maggoty with subterraneous evil: the scent of creeping deep green mosses, sweet rot, lantern oil, and sinuous incense drifting over dripping stone blocks, mushroom-moist soil, and crumbling mortar.

 

 

Meanwhile, outside of the Valley, we have a few other atmospheres to experience:

 

++ YULE ROOM SPRAYS

LADY FLEMING’S GINGERBREAD

Scent your home like a 17th century manor house at Yuletide! Warm gingerbread crafted with almonds, dates, aniseed, raw ginger root, and cinnamon.

 

SCHWARZWALD

Snow-blanketed granite enveloped by a sea of spruce and pine.

 

SNOW ANGEL

Cherubic spun sugar with a hint of lemon, sparkling peach, and floral tea.

 

SNOWBLIND

The perfect vanilla mint.

 

SPANKED

Sado-masochistic holiday cheer: whip leather, cardamom, patchouli and bourbon.

 

WASSAIL

Wassayle, wassayle out of the mylke payle,

Wassayle, wassayle as white as my nayle,

Wassayle, wassayle in snowe, froste, and hayle,

Wassayle, wassayle with partriche and rayle,

Wassayle, wassayle that muclie doth avayle,

Wassayle, wassayle that never wylle fayle.

 

Thick brown ale and aged port with cinnamon, black clove, lemon zest, allspice, cardamom, ginger, and brown sugar.

 

 

And some bath oils to help warm you on cold winter nights –

++ YULE BATH OILS

CHOCOLATE ESPRESSO GINGERBREAD

Fiendishly decadent!

 

PEACOCK QUEEN

In dramatic contrast to the soft innocence of Snow White and the dew-kissed freshness of her sister, Rose Red, this is a blood red, voluptuous rose, velvet-petaled, at the height of bloom. Haughty and imperious, vain, yet incomparably lovely to the eye, but thick with thorns of jealousy, pride and hatred.

 

PINK SNOWBALLS

A lighthearted winter scent: chilly vanilla rose snowballs! Dainty, soft, and certainly unfit for flinging!

 

ICE PRINCESS

Iced blackberries, blackcurrant honey, frozen white peach, and sweet vanilla cream.

 

WINTER MAIDEN

Ice-rimed innocence. The blush of youth, frozen for eternity.

 

Snow-laden woods, iced blackberry and bergamot, white rose, and crystallized amber.

 

 

Plus some thinly-veiled sadomasochistic cheer and all the balls you can handle:

++ BLACK PHOENIX TRADING POST YULE PERFUMES

ELDRITCH DARK

The Miskatonic Valley's premiere sex shop. Black and red musks with honey, leather, and sugared black rose.

 

BLACK SNOWBALLS

For a very gothy Yule. Black licorice slurry with blackcurrant, black fig, and mulberries.

 

BLUE SNOWBALLS

... because the holidays can be really, really frustrating. Blueberry slush with a hint of lime and blackberry juice.

 

DISCO SNOWBALLS

Brian and I made this one for Ted to honor his undying, incessant, relentless love of Abba: silvery snow reflecting myriad glimmers of orange blossom, black currant, pink grapefruit, white mint, sweet plum, and Italian bergamot.

 

 

AND… (dramatic pause and drumroll, please) it is time for the 2013 BLACK PHOENIX TRADING POST NAUGHTY OR NICE INQUISITION --

He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…

++ THE 2013 NAUGHTY OR NICE INQUISITION: FAIRY TALE EDITION

Are you a vision of heroic virtue - or a paragon of fairy tale villainy? Let the Alchemy Lab Imps and Trading Post Goblins decide! THIS is the NAUGHTY OR NICE INQUISITION! For $49US, you will receive both a fairy tale-themed Bath Oil and a Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab fragrance that coordinates with your holiday judgment. You have a choice: let the Black Phoenix goblins determine your fate, convince us of your goodness (or wickedness!), or cut to the chase and order items individually.

 

How do you influence the imps and goblins? You may plead your case in the comments field of your order. If you choose to leave it blank, the denizens of Black Phoenix will utilize the ancient art of sniffomancy in order to determine your fate. Time permitting, entries will be published on the Black Phoenix Trading Post FB page, unless you request otherwise. Please indicate whether you wish to remain anonymous, and if you would like your name published, how you wish for it to appear.

 

 

If you have been NICE, you will receive one of the following Nice Bath Oils:

RAGS TO ROYALTY

A bath fit for a down-to-earth monarch: sweet aged patchouli, golden amber, cacao, winter honey, precious oudh, and ylang ylang.

 

THREE IMPOSSIBLE ERRANDS BATH OIL

A bath oil to help you relax after slaying dragons, polymorphing prickish princes, carrying water in irritating sieves, breaking all manner of curses, and grooming talking animals: Roman chamomile, bourbon geranium, Indian frankincense, French lavender, and vanilla orchid.

 

 

… plus one of these Nice perfumes

KNIGHT IN SHINY ARMOR

Gird your loins for battle with a cologne that will infuse you with an extra boost of bravery, chivalry, and gentlemanly wherewithal: dapper lavender fougere with white carnation, sweet oakmoss, clary sage, crisp leather, bourbon vanilla, and a hint of armor polish.

 

SCRAPPY DAMSEL

No tower too high, no dragon too mighty! Get in ass-kickin’, self-savin’ gear with this bright, energetic perfume! Orange blossom, neroli, white musk, shimmering amber, yellow sandalwood, Himalayan cedar, radiant saffron, and golden honey.

 

HELPFUL CRONE

Enhance your Wise Woman cred with this combination of sage, shrewd oils. Herbs of wisdom, flowers of wit, and the comforting scent of the hearth: hyssop, oak leaf, acorn hull, elder blossom, three sages, and tobacco absolute, with kitchen herbs and raw honey.

 

 

… and a jar of Nice Glop, which is only available if you purchase a Nice set or are deemed Nice (based on your plea) by the Trading Post goblins:

NICE GLOP

Very, very nice: honey-coated honeysuckle and sugar cane.

 

- - -

 

If you have been NAUGHTY, you will receive one of the following Naughty Bath Oils:

NEFARIOUS PLAN

Luxuriate in a pool of lavish, sinful indulgence while you hatch your next malicious scheme: black patchouli, sharp green tea, raw tobacco leaf, a dribble of orange blossom, and caramelized sugar.

 

UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER

The perfect way to unwind after you’ve eviscerated your foes: white champagne grape, blood red roses, violet leaf, and bourbon vanilla.

 

 

… plus one of these Naughty perfumes

CORRUPT CHANCELLOR

Are you over your liege lord’s shenanigans? Do you think you could do one better? Look no further! We have the perfect Power Cologne for you! Overthrow the rightful regent with style: smoky vetiver cologne with black leather, black pepper, smoky coffee bean, Italian bergamot, and Mysore sandalwood.

 

VAIN SORCERESS

Mad with power, madly in love, or just mad: a dark, spellbinding, seductively narcissistic mix of tuberose, blackened vanilla musk, caraway, white gardenia, red amber, black velvet accord, and jasmine sambac.

 

WICKED MATRIARCH

Whether you’re flipping through poisoned apple recipes on Pinterest, researching dilapidated towers to house irritating princesses, or simply interested in a sporting match of croquet, dab a little of our perfume behind each ear, and you’ll be ready to destroy all those who stand in your way. Velvet red roses, mimosa blossom, heady magnolia, oudh, and black patchouli draped across a regal purple musk.

 

 

 

… and a jar of Naughty Glop, which is only available if you purchase a Naughty set or are deemed Naughty (based on your plea) by the Trading Post goblins:

NAUGHTY GLOP

Very, very naughty: red musk, leather, bourbon vanilla, and red patchouli.

 

 

 

The GLOPS are only available in the Naughty or Nice sets, and are not sold individually. WHAT IS A GLOP? Dear reader, a glop is one ounce of luxuriant, lotiony goodness.

 

We have combined shea olein with refined rice bran oil, fractionated coconut oil, rosehip seed oil, evening primrose oil, Vitamin E, and apricot kernel oil to make the most soothing, nourishing, and all-around amazing hand-and-foot lotion imaginable. Each Glop is lavishly scented with Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab fragrances that were created specifically for this project.

 

You may place an order for multiple sets, or place multiple orders, and in either case, each will be considered separately in the course of the Inquisition process. If you are placing an order for more than one set, you may submit multiple Naughty or Nice pleas, applicable to each order. Please indicate which Naughty or Nice statement pertains to which section of your order. No imps are available for scents in this series.

 

Once your Naughty or Nice status is determined, you will be given one of the oils from your status category. If you choose to forego the Plea Process, we will weep bitter tears, but will respect your requests. If you choose not to participate via Plea, please simply enter your request for which bath oil and perfume you want in the comments field of your order. If you leave the comments field blank, we will make your choice for you. If you wish to purchase products individually, you may do so!

 

We are not suggesting, by way of this Inquisition, that anyone that participates actually evil, wicked, naughty, unpleasant, malicious, or anything else shady. This is intended to be taken in good humor; don't be a sourpuss!

 

Artwork by Her Majestic Wickedness, Lady Tanya Bjork!

 

 

 

And traipsing into the General Catalogue, we have two new fleece sweats!

The fluffiest, softest sweats imaginable. Crafted from 100% combed and ring-spun cotton to form an impeccably cozy fleece knit! Both the men’s and women’s styles are a flattering straight leg, but the fit of the women’s is slightly more form-fitting – akin to our yoga pants, but thicker and snugglier. The men’s have side-pockets, the women’s do not.

 

JOLLY ROGER SWEATS

Our Jolly Roger on the left thigh and Black Phoenix Trading Post on the right, both in bone-white ink.

 

SKELETAL LIBRARIAN SWEATS

Our Skeletal Librarian on the left thigh and Black Phoenix Trading Post on the right, both in crimson ink.

 

 

 

And last, but not least – Dorian hair gloss!

DORIAN

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself. Refined, elegant, and lovely, with a noble bearing and seemingly gentle air. This blend is an artful deception: a sweet gilded blossom lying over a twisted and corrupted core. A Victorian fougere with three pale musks and dark, sugared vanilla tea.