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I hate time. No, I hate not having enough time. I hate that you plan something in a nice way and then everything is changed again. Okay, a look on the past weekend: Saturday: Birthday from Olli's grandma. Before we went to her we had to go shopping - a gift for her and for Olli's mom. Then coffee and dinner in a restaurant. Sunday: Fish Fair with Olli's sister. Later birthday of a friend of mine. Monday: Birthday of Olli's mom. So our plan was: Tue: Bring car to repair shop; gym Wed: Get car; Buy fishes for the aquarium (fish fair was not good) Thu: Holiday - I wanted to paint, Olli wanted to tinker on his model planes Fri: Grocery-Shopping Sat and Sun: Finally free! and what happened? Tue: No gym. Bring car away, buy fishes Wed: Get car, bring Olli's parents to another city to shop with them Thu: clean the apartment and then get Olli's nephew and play with him because we didn't have time to do this yesterday Fri: a Partylite Party I totally forgot Sat: Grocery shopping. Sun: Finally free?? Can't believe it I'm exhausted. Olli too. I just want some time for me - I want to paint, to take some photos and to play some of the new games we have bought. And I know that Olli needs some time, too.
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Well, I am somewhere between great and really bad. Why? Okay, lets start with bad (so that the good stuff is the stuff that I keep in mind in the end): - my imac at work crashed - I had to send it away so that they look up whats wrong with it and it will take approx. 3 weeks till I have it back - or was it till they know what is going on? - I have to work with a mini mac which is sooooo lame, 512MB RAM - it has only 10.3 installed (so I can't connect my ipod nano to it) - I have to do a lot today and I only want to sleep - I want to go home - all my data are gone because I was not able to make any backup-DVDs because of a DVD-problem - my BPAL-list is gone, too - my BPAL-order is not at home yet - my ipod case is not there yet - I am hungry Lets start with some of the nice things: - I love gym - my mom and Olli are telling me that I look already better, healthier, not that white any more - we bought an ipod - and I love it - I copied some Yö CDs on it and realized how much I love them - I ordered the newest Yö-CD and I hope it arrives this week - the sun is shining - we had a wonderful weekend - this weekend is the game trade show and I am allowed to spend quite some money (oh, but I forgot, the newest version of my wishlist was on my imac, too) - I think about buying a Yö-T-Shirt - I will get some French Fries today Okay, I guess that's it. It's really an up and down.
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So, we did it. We went there, we made a contract for 2 years and we had our first training. And I loved it! For the first time in quite a long time I felt healthy and great and I was in a wonderful mood - well, I am still It was great, I would like to go right there again. NOW! Well, but now I am stitting in our living room - alone - Olli went to meet with a friend to fly their model planes, I'm not really happy with being alone, but it's not that bad. I just watched the last 2 episodes of Friends - I'm addicted to them and now I'm again trough all the seasons. Since we don't receive any TV-channels we often watch DVDs - will have to search for something to watch again to relax after work and so on. Or I simply start over again. Hmmmm. Will have to think about that.
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We are thinking about a membership in a gym. It is really cheap, the place looks good and so on - but we have to sign in for a 2 year memberchip. For 19,95€ each. Inclusive isotonic drinks and all kind of classes. And since we moved together, we haven't done any sports. I stopped horse riding when we started to date, stopped my normal dancing but went on with ballet. Now I'm doing nothing and I obviously gain weight + I don't feel good anymore. So - I need to do something. But gym? Haven't been there! Don't know if I like it. But it would be good for me ... and we still can't decide ...
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Today I'm in a really dreamy mood. It's really nice. I enjoyed the strange bird-voices I heard this morning, I was thinking about the "Phantom of the Opera" musical. We saw it approx. a year ago and it was so wonderful. Well, after I was there I had a strange problem coming back into real life again. It took me weeks. I think I will watch the Phantom movie when I go home. And enjoy my chocolate yogurt. I bought it yesterday. I don't even like it very much - well I like parts of it. There a tree: One tiny sort of skin on the top of it which is great. Then comes the yogurt itself. Not so interesting. And at the bottom there is 1mm of a kind of cocoa something. Well, I eat the yogurt because of 1mm skin + 1mm cocoa. Great. But I'm really looking forward to it. Somehow I don't take this day very seriously. And I like it. For Olli it will be serious - he has to make a call to make an appointment for a job interview. He's so excited. I really hope he gets the job even if it would mean that he has to drive even more than now. But his current job is just too boring for him + his (female) boss is a pain in the ... but I don't dare to hope. I'm always afraid to hope anything ... The last 2 weeks have not been so good for me and I was so happy about my BPALs - even in the worst mood and in pain I started to smile while sniffing my wrists. Now I want a smile from Olli - because he can quit his current job and somehow I hope that he tells why he is quitting - because the pain in the ...
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My hands - yes, now both - are still in pain, but it is going better and better.
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i guess i won't be able to write a lot in this week - i haven't seen a doctor but it's quite obvious: i have a tendovaginitis. i try to write with my left hand and to handle the mouse with the left hand. it's not as funny as i hoped ...
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Really, I don't know myself any more! I'm so tired that I could start to cry - but I slept enough and good! But I'm so desperately tired that the line between "normal at work" and "having a breakdown and cry for a while" is pretty thin ... It is so good to know that today is Friday and I can go home soon and then I will lay down in our wonderful bed and sleep. I will stand up shortly before Olli can go home and I will prepare something to eat. Then we'll go to the grocery store and after that I won't do anything anymore. Tomorrow we'll go to a barbecue - only for 1-2 hours and after that to my friends birthday party. On Sunday I'll visit my parents because my relatives will be there. ----- got a mail in the meantime. Olli will eat with his coworkers ... the good thing: I don't have to prepare anything for him. The bad thing: I already decided yesterday what to eat today and because it was something new I was excited about it ... I love eating. And normally cooking. Well, there is no use in preparing the meal I planed, it's too much for one person and tomorrow it won't be as good any more. Anyway, I guess my bad mood - it does not feel like a "mood" - may be it is because of my hand. It really hurts. A lot. And it's not getting better. I hope the weekend will bring some improvement. If not I will have to see a doctor next week. Which won't be good. My boss knows that my relatives come to visit and it will look like skipping work. I hope it's not a tendovaginitis ... I had already one and besides that it is not nice (specially for someone who works on an computer and loves to paint, write and do all kind of stuff with the hands - well, this sure sounds weird!) it will mean that I have to stay away from work for some time - which is something that makes me feel bad. I am afraid to never get an perpetual job and I feel remorse. I never skipped work or school - when I stay at home it is always for a good reason. But still ... I feel guilty and bad about it. 4h30min to go ... then I will have to drive approx. 30 min till I'm home (driving is terrible because of the hand) and then:
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... a strange day. I don't feel well. My head aches a little bit, my abdomen, too. Well, girl problems My knee aches a lot, no idea why. I am very tired and I want in my bed - now. That may be because yesterday was not that great. Well, in the beginning it was. Yesterday I had my 10 year driving license anniversary and I bought cake because of that. Well, okay, I only wanted cake. I told Olli that I want some and didn't tell that I was going to buy it myself. So he came home with red roses and a cake that you only must bake. It was so sweet of him and I was really happy. So we had lots of cake. After that we started to clean again - on Saturday we have a party and there is still a lot to do till then. It was okay and it is nice that our house starts to look nice again. Anyway, at 21:00 we decided to stop for that day and to watch Star Trek DS9. I said something - I think in a normal voice - and he thought that I said it in a grumpy voice. Over that we started a fight. We had this one a lot of times. I really didn't mean it grumpy - but he thinks it sounds like that ... I can't hear any grumpiness so I don't know how to change and he can't convince himself, that it isn't meant grumpy. It took us 1 hour to talk normal to each other again. At this time we were already in bed. And then it took almost 1h till I was calmed down enough to sleep. So it was a short night and that's why I'm tired. We thought our party would be bigger ... 30 people or something like that. Till now there are only 15. Well, makes it easier for me to cook. I'm already hungry. Okay, that is nothing special. I'm always hungry. Really strange: I want to clean the windows in our living room! We have a window-gable so it is a lot of work but I really look forward of doing it. Perhaps because everything will have color again after cleaning - right now there is a grey shadow above all. My thoughts are drifting away all the time. It took me really long to write this entry. Guess it's simply not my best day, even if the start was nice and I talked to a woman working with me in this building. We are always the first to come here and sometimes we bump into each other and start to talk. I like her. She's a lot older than I am, and still we find lots to talk about. I still wait for another coworker to come - Mike. He is 54 I think and I really like him. And he likes me, I think. I often comes to me to talk about his relationship and asks things like "How long was there this 'fire' in your relationship?" or "At which point should we move together?". He really appreciates my opinion and I'm flattered by that because I'm so much younger than he is. I'd consider him a friend ... it will be hard when he leaves work - and I guess he will in the end of this year. After that it will be hard to keep in touch - he is living about 400km away from here and ... well I think it will end then. But I'll always keep him in my memories. He is a great person and I love it that he found a new love at the age of 53 And that he always encourages me ... in some things I am pretty childish - so when I need an objective, grownup opinion, I simply ask him. Oh Mike, I hate it that things will change and you will go away. I guess if you'd hear that you'd smile and say "Well, that's the way it goes ..."
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Okay, I am angry now ... the managed to restore a part of my page! With SCC-file (edit: ooooops! CSS, of course!) and all! But they wrote that they are working for a new page that will appear in the end of September. Anyway ... I hope they don't use my css! I know that I won't be able to tell them that they are not allowed to do so, but I'd like to! Anyway, they could have make an own design for this temporal page! And if it was only white, so what?? But to use my design without asking me is not okay - at least I think so! They are *put in some terrible words in here*!
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I always loved my bed - sometimes I start to giggle when I go to bed because I'm just so happy about my bed. Then I think "Everybody should have such a bed". A week ago I decided that it was time for a bed-change. Since my Sweetheart and I moved together we had a self-made bed because he had his mattress and I had mine, his was to hard for me (but we both could fit in it if we have to) and mine was too small for us both and too soft for him. So each of us kept the own mattress and we built a base where they both fit. So we had a really huge bed - but it was not what we wanted. We have been dreaming about a waterbed since we knew each other and last Friday we finally bought one. And now I even love my bed more than before! It is wonderful even if the fine-tuning is not perfect yet - I'm still thinking that the wateramount is not perfect but I don't know if I need more or less water. We can change the slow-down (or how it might be called in English) ourselfes when we want and I guess I want it with less slow-down. It is so nice to lie down in this wonderful bed, nothing aches and it is warm ... the only thing I don't like is the venyl-scent but it will go away, I think. And you can counteract it by applying BPAL before goinig to sleep. Unfortunately I forget that very often and then I am too tired to go and get some - I should place an imp beside the bed ... good idea. Most of the time at work I think about my bed ... and how wonderful it would be to go to slepp right now. Well, it is nice if you are happy about your bed every day - but it makes it very hard to leave it in the morning.
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So I was in the choir yesterday and it was okay. I behaved as if everything would be fine and I guess that's what bothered one Lady, lets call her Tad. She was once the "leader" of our choir. I never liked her, she wants to be in the spot light all the time. We are approx. 100 singers and she was the conductor. She always made such a show herself as if she didn't want the audience to listen to us but to look at her. Anyway, she was sitting next to me, one empty chair between us because she is in a different pitch of voice than I am. After our warmup someone must have told her that I erased the old homepage - I heared "What?? And now we have none? So close to our big concert?" - and than she went one row back and stayed there for the rest of the rehersal ... guess it was a sign for her disapproval. I have to say: I enjoyed it. And their fault - should have waited till the concert is over and kick me out then And nothing more happened ... I hope it stays that way - if they announce that somebody new is in charge for the homepage by now they should not mention the reason for the change - if they do and it is not the truth I'll have to stand up and say how it really was and I don't want to do that. I'm terribly afraid of speaking to so many people. But I'll do it if I have to! But I am proud that I went there and that I smiled and behaved as if it would not bother me how they treated me. Guess that makes people like Tad really angry ...
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After my holidays I had an unsettling time. For one we bought a new guinea pig becauce one of the others died before my holidays. It was the first guinea pig of mine that died and it was a shock ... well ... anyway, the new one - Maus (=mice) - is wonderful but had mite. Had to go to the vet with her. After that I got ill - so my partner. Not so nice, especially if you have a baby pig that you want to cuddle and your not allowed because it could be infected. And because it is a summer-flu it takes really long to go away. My partner had problems at work rightaway after the holidays, so he es trying to stay calm there and search a new job. Right now it seems that he has got the possibility to get a really nice job! At my department at work we had to say goodbye to a really nice secretary and after 2 weeks of a vacant office we got a new one. She seems nice, is - I guess 55 years old - and I think I like her - but she will mean lots of works for me ... I mean, yesterday she came in to sak me how to write an email ... öhm ... you know, where to click, what to do. And then the final decision: Enough with our selfmade bed - it was good but now it is time that we buy what we always wanted: A waterbed. So since Sunday we are sleeping in a waterbed. The wateramount is not quite perfect, but I guess thats only a question of time. And now the choir-thing - I am somehow tired. Well and of course I want to go home only to sleep in the new bed. It is sooooo wonderful!
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I copy again from the "How are you feeling"-thread ... I really should stop that. I was in charge for the homepage of my choir ... I waited for 2 years for new information to put on the page, asked several times different people to give me something because I was not in charge for the content, they told me they would provide me with everything. Well, then I had holidays and received a mail with content. But of course I would not update the page while I am abroad and in holydays! I came back and I took approx. a week when I got ill. Almost 2 weeks went by till I was better again. In this time I got 4 other mails with content. And on Monday I got a call "do you still want to do that, we need the update now" - so I told them I would do it till Wed. I managed to finish the update yesterday morning - and in the afternoon they called and told me that they are not willing to let me do it anymore (have to say that I never wanted to do it ... they begged me and in the end I was okay with it). Well ... because the main work was the design, I felt really ... silly. They let me do the work an the nice copy and paste stuff would be okay for them - of course if they update the page, they would put their name under the page. So I erased the page to "protect" my design. That may be childish, but I think it is the right way to do it ... Only point: It keeps bugging me. I hate stuff like this. And today is choir again and I guess I'll have a hard time ... and I am sensitive, I'm afraid they say something and I start to cry in front of all these people ... I'd love to stay at home but I guess that would make it worst, wouldn't it?
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I feel so confused right now ... don't know what I want and what would be best for me. I can simply hope that God will guide me and that the way he chosed is the "best" (meaning please easy and comfortable) one. I myself don't want to make this choice - even if I don't know all the facts. Doesn't make it easier. And I hope so much that my BPAL order arrives today. Could need a cheerup ... CnS was on the second of march ... could work ...
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I copy this psot from the "how are you feeling right now" thread to my blog. Mar 6 2007, 09:21 AM
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In this moment I'm so overwhelmed with my feelings. I'm at work but - as always - listening to music. Instead of listening to the web-radio I listen to a CD I found in my drawer ... Yö - "rakkaus on lumivalkoinen" and I'm so homesick. The music (especially the voice of Olli Lindhom) reminds me of something. Of course of Finland. But there is something else and I can's figure out what it is. It is bitter sweet. It makes me want to weep without feeling bad - just ... is it melancholy? I don't know. It's just a beautiful moment and my heart is full of feelings, pictures and memories of my family there in the land of 1000 lakes and the wish to be there too.
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Today really doesn't seem to be my day ... It started with my alarm-clock. I did not hear it because I had an earplug in my ear because my loved one was snoring again. I woke up 11 minutes too late. The radio on the alarm-clock is pretty loud, but not loud enough to wake up my partner. While eating my toast I realized that tomorrow is my grandpas birthday. Of course I forgot to send a card - so I tinkered one (good that I have all the stuff for it at home). But the card will be late - my grandpa lives in another country - as almost all my realtives. At work I realized that I have brought new cheese and chocolate - but the bread is still at home. Then I wanted to get something to drink - went to the fridge and how nice! All iced. Thanks ... Well on the other hand: It can only get better ... I hope!
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Yesterday I wanted to check my mails at gmx (if somebody knows gmx) and there was a newsflash about Kate Middleton, the girlfriend of prince William. The picture of her was ... well ... terrible. But of course I was curious ... First glance made me think "No, not a nice person!" So I asked google and found other pictures of her an the following article: I was reading it and well ... after a while I realized: Okay, she is pretty - the sort of pretty you can find in every town - but pretty! And on these photos she seems likable. And then I got it: I'm simply jealous of her! It is that easy. Not that I would like her husband in law or the prospect of been followed by paparazzi everywhere I go, but all the other stuff. How much money she can spend on whatever ... I have to count every cent I'm spending right now! It was sort of luxury that I bought myself a new book! I almost never go to a hairdresser and manicure is something I don't even know. Besides: Color on my nails won't last it when I'm cooking, washing, cleaning etc. It is something special for me to buy any new piece of cloth ... yes, I am jealous. She'll have a though life ... being in the interesst of an hole nation - and even more than that (I mean, I'm already interested, right? And I'm not British), being followed by paparazzi, always have to follow certain rules and to look pretty (guess she is not allowed to have such an inflammation as I have - and if she does, she should not be seen by anyone). But on the other hand she will never have to think "Can I really buy myself a new bra? Do I have the money?". One of my dreams is to go to New York once. I am obsessed with this city, specially with the chrysler building, I guess she can simply say "William, lets go there, please!" Okay, then there is the difference: I can go everywhere and no one will recognize me, I can walk through the streets, taking insanly many pictures and enjoy being there while she will have to masquerade herself and be followed by bodyguards. Hm, not what I want. So the conclusion: Somehow I'm still the little girl that watched the Diana and Charles Movie a hundered times (I'd like to watch it again ... it was all positive and nice, even if we know now that that was not all true) and dreamt to be a princess herself. To wear beautiful clothes and to have enough money to buy all BPALs I want to (and a new bra ) To have a life that seems to be magical ... becoming a princess. The prince would have to be my own sweetheart ... I'd never want to lose him. And I want to keep my family. And his one, too. But yes: I want to read more about them ... want to share the dream of being a normal girl and becoming a princess.
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Thank you carwoman and filigree_shadow! I have already seen 2 dermatologists - the first gave me cortisone creme and told me to wait about 3 weeks. After 1 week I switched to another creme (but also with cortisone) and it seemed to become better. On Christmas it got worst again an I decided to see another dermatologist after New Year. I was there last week and he almost screemed "no, no cortisone!". From his point of view it is an sebaceous gland (is that right? I looked it up in an dictionary) inflammation. Worst you can do is apply cortisone - it will grew from that - yes, I realized that! So now I have an antibiotic creme with almost no fat in it. After 2 days of appling it, it got raspberry-red again and so I called him and asked if that was normal. Unfortunatly it is. But today its smaller again ... still red but with some normal areas in between ... You should have seen my boss yesterday ... he behaves really humiliating! Watches it all the time while he is talking to me - again with those repelled looks - he really turns always so that he can see it better while he is trying not to come too close - perhaps he thinks it is contaminous (it isn't!).
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I've never been very selfconfident about my looks - but now I really want to hide myself. For about 6 weeks I have an inflammation right beside my eye. Sometimes its so pale that you almost won't recognize it - and sometimes - like now - it's 4cm in diameter, cherry-red, hurts and is the first thing you see when you look into my face. Well, and the doctors says that it will last at least another 6 weeks. I hate it. I think I should remain at home. Even scents which let me feel sexy (like Hymn) won't help - I just feel ugly (well I know I am) and I hate it how people look at me. For example my boss - everytime he's next to me he stares at it, asks questions and has an repelled expression on his face. My sweetheart says no longer "no you don't look ugly" - by now he says "I don't care as long as you are mine" - that's sweet - but sometimes I wish he'd lie again and tell me "no no, thats not that bad, don't think about it". *sighs* If it only would go away again ... well ... now, not in 6 weeks. And please: Never come back again!!
