Failmingo

That feeling you're feeling? It smells like this. Behold, our newest scent with proceeds benefiting the ACLU: COVFEFE Is it abstract nonsense poetry? Surrealist performance art? Cryptography so subtle and devious that it would make an Enigma machine blush? The verbal component of whatever spell that orb casts? Safe word? A typo fueled by cheap hooch, NoDoz, and poor impulse control? Is negative press covfefe anything like French press covfefe? This perfume makes no fucking sense: orange marshmallow cream, bitter lemon, black pepper, orange carnation, and gin. Proceeds from this late-night nonsense benefit the ACLU, which has been working overtime to defend the rights and liberties guaranteed to everyone in this country by the laws and Constitution of the United States.

Howdy, all! It's time for us to revive our #BPAL7wordstory contest, which invites one and all to dazzle us in as few words as possible, with the ultimate goal of having a perfume inspired by your story. This time our theme is ENVY, and all the rules for entry can be found over at the Gazette. Multiple entries via Twitter or email are fine (you can include them all in one email, or send them separately). The deadline for this round is June 6th. Get ready... get set... spite us in seven!

Deep red roses stained by tobacco. I have this on one arm and IMPORTUNE ME NO MORE on the other -- it's reeking of roses in here tonight and I couldn't be happier. This is really exactly as it says in the description, no sneaky tricks. That doesn't make it any easier to describe, though. In terms of really rose-y pefumes, the tobacco seems to deepen the note even further, it's almost bottomless. In IMPORTUNE the roses actually have somewhere to hide eventually, behind those other flowers. Swathed in rich tobacco, the roses in LA PIERREUSE aren't going anywhere -- as they dry a bit, however, I do find that those deeper areas in the note end up just beyond my reach, and from a distance probably just reads as a freshly picked rose riding on a breeze of shisha. That's fine, I don't mind reapplying here and there to stay in that sublimely dark, close place with it. So yeah, as a rose guy, I'm keeping a bottle of this on the shelf.

The moon ascends, springtime swells to ripeness, and our coffers (and coffins) are bursting with Lunacy fragrances. Behold: ANTIQUE LACE PERFUME https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/…/limite…/antique-lace-2/ ANTIQUE LACE HAIR GLOSS https://blackphoenixtradingpost.com/…/antique-lace-hair-gl…/ SINGLE NOTE: LEMONGRASS https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/…/single-note-lemongrass/ STRAWBERRY MOON https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/…/a-lit…/strawberry-moon/ A SONG: WHEN JUNE IS PAST, THE FADING ROSE https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/…/a-song-when-june-is-p…/ And an exclusive for those attending our L.A. May Lunacy: Necro-PROM-icon event: SQUAMOUS TUSSIE-MUSSIE ($24) A regional variation of the traditional prom corsage: black rose, purple carnation and belladonna with a spray of baby’s breath, dusted with frankincense, opoponax, and crushed yew seeds.

Woe for the blood-bespattered locks of gray, alas for the rent robe, which you assumed, it seems, only that you might be slain in it! Cassius Dio Ambergris and bay leaf, lemon peel and regal mandarin, white cedar and khus, grey oudh and star anise. I know the time period doesn't line up AT ALL, but I was really looking forward to this as a sort of debauched powdered-wig scent, based on the name as well as the listed notes. And I've gotta say, I was not disappointed! In the bottle, I'm getting the same ambergris note that really makes Black Forest glow. Here, that same air of mystery is injected into an insouciant gentlemen's cologne, with almost none of Black Forest's sweetness -- I'm glad she went ahead and used the word "regal" in the description, because that is all I can think when I smell this in the bottle. The overall vibe is... hazardously amoral. On the skin, the khus is less forceful and sort of lifts the other notes on a waft of smoke, an effect someone at Lunacy last night described as "infernal." The ambergris going airborne like that is what contributes to the powdered wig association in my mind -- it teases the nose from a distance with a deceptively soft touch, but the deeper you lean into it, the darker it gets. Like so many of these Ides of March scents (and the recent Lupercalias) this blend seems to hint at a cover-up job -- a thin veneer of respectability stretched over something utterly unwholesome. It would be ravishing on a man, but there's nothing in this one that I think would read as masculine on a woman. There's a spiciness in the dry-down thanks to the anise -- this probably wouldn't read as anise to anyone who hadn't read the description, so if that's not a note you cherish, you are probably still on pretty safe ground. I'll be holding on to this bottle for a long time.

We celebrate the debut of Neil Gaiman's American Gods by sprinkling a few more scents into our ever-growing collection. Behold the following additions: AMERICA’S NEW GODS BECOMING THUNDER THE BEST LIES THE BUFFALO MAN CIGARETTES AND OFFERINGS GLASS EYE THE JEWELED SPIDER SEARCH ENGINE TAKE THE MOON Meanwhile, Trading Post is overflowing with new atmosphere sprays and nail polishes! https://blackphoenixtradingpost.com/…/officia…/americangods/ ++ BPTP ATMOSPHERE SPRAYS THE HALL OF FORGOTTEN GODS IBIS AND JACQUEL’S FUNERAL PARLOR MR. NANCY’S HOUSE ++ BPTP NAIL POLISH SHADOW MOON ZORYA POLUNOCHNAYA MISTER WEDNESDAY BECOMING THUNDER THE BLOOD MUST FLOW CZERNOBOG LAURA THE JEWELED SPIDER AMERICA’S NEW GODS BILQUIS THE INTANGIBLES MAD SWEENEY TECHNICAL BOY EASTER MR. WORLD COIN TRICK MR. NANCY’S GLOVES Hope you enjoyed the show's premiere -- so much more remains to be seen!

Hey hennies, we are thrilled to be appearing in full force at this weekend's 3rd annual RuPaul's DragCon. Last year we did two scents and two wig sprays... this year we're doing three of each! Take a gander over at our Tumblr post if you wanna see all the accompanying art. See you at the Con! ++ DRAGCON 2017 EXCLUSIVE PERFUMES $24 apiece. Featuring label artwork by Lily Gabrielle Hoyda. COMEDY QUEEN Orange blossom and honey cotton candy. PAGEANT QUEEN Sickeningly effervescent: electric tuberose, neroli, and lily of the valley bubbling with glittering aldehydes. GOTH QUEEN Clove smoke, opium poppy, blackened patchouli, and a dribble of sugared absinthe. ++ DRAGCON 2017 WIG SPRAYS $25 apiece. Featuring label artwork by Eric Thurnbeck. BLONDE WIG SPRAY Cascades of honeyed oudh. BLUE WIG SPRAY Silvered lilacs and violets, white grapefruit, glittering musk, and a squirt of blueberry. GINGER WIG SPRAY Hot ginger root, red musk, rooibos tea, and coconut husk.

Hi everyone -- our littlest drag aficionado wants to officially welcome you to next week's DragCon proceedings: We'll have Con Exclusive scents and wig sprays (three of each!) We're very excited to be able to do a local event that supports so many worthwhile artists and members of our LGBTQ community. See you there!

Hello everyone, today marks the return of our collaboration with Neil Gaiman on AMERICAN GODS -- soon to be a huge collection encompassing perfumes, atmosphere sprays, and nail polish. The first in a series of updates has gone live today! Proceeds benefit CBLDF, and we're thrilled to have Hugo-winner Julie Dillon on board to create our stunning new label art. It's all here for your perusal, with more coming soon! https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/product-category/neil-gaiman/american-gods/ https://blackphoenixtradingpost.com/category/official-neil-gaiman/americangods/

Tonight’s Pink Moon paves the way for next month’s Flower Moon – get ready for May with our particularly intoxicating take on this potent portent! (Don’t forget to stock up on this month’s Single Note, SRI LANKAN LIME.) FLOWER MOON A toxic interpretation: lily of the valley threaded with fly agaric spores, castor flower accord, hemlock bark, crushed belladonna berries, a cascade of wisteria, white oleander, and opium tar. Please note: this perfume does not contain any toxic or poisonous plants. The description is poetic, not literal. The scent is fantastic, but it will not literally knock you dead.

BIG NEWS! This Friday, BPAL will launch the next phase in our ongoing collaboration with Neil Gaiman: a huge addition to our American Gods fragrance line - including new nail lacquers and atmosphere sprays , with proceeds going to Comic Book Legal Defense Fund and featuring art by Hugo-winner Julie Dillon. CBLDF fights for the First Amendment rights of all those who love reading and creating comics. This new collection (more than sixty scents in all) is a dream come true for BPAL, in which a terrific cause meets a unique artistic vision. The party starts at BPAL and BPTP on Friday, April 14th! Video trailer by Galen Adair:

Did you think we’d let you off this easily? Black Phoenix Trading Post is celebrating April Fools’ Day in style with two more timeless pranks: POP-OUT EYEBALL GLASSES Hair Gloss, and RUBBER CHICKEN Bath Bombs! Both feature artwork by Drew Rausch. HAIR GLOSS: POP-OUT EYEBALL GLASSES Lemon-squirted champagne with sugar and a splort of blueberry and blackcurrant. RUBBER CHICKEN BATH BOMBS Rubber chickens are to Black Phoenix what the ravens are to the Tower of London. Rubber chickens have been an integral part of BPAL since time immemorial. Every physical location that the Lab has inhabited has contained at least one rubber chicken, and we have several Emergency Rubber Chickens on-hand in case one vanishes. They buoy our optimism, they are icons of the absurd, they remind us not to take ourselves – or anything else – too seriously. They are part and parcel with the soul of Black Phoenix, and now we’re sharing a little fragment of their rubbery, orangey joy with you. Be safe out there, pranksters!

Beloved Fools, You're a hard bunch to surprise, so we're landing on you a day early with this very special April Fools' Day update, complete with upsetting label art by Drew Rausch. Dare you inflict our JOY BUZZER or RUBBER POOP on your unsuspecting friends? Dare you risk meeting the same fate as our LAB RAT, pinned beneath the combined weight of hundreds of BPAL scents? Welcome to PRANK - the olfactory equivalent of that gum that turns your mouth black! Please prank responsibly -- and keep an eye out for pranks as you prowl Black Phoenix Trading Post in the near future, you never know what foolishness might await you. ++ PRANK CHATTERING TEETH Electric cherry and iced vanilla. JOY BUZZER Silvered honey zapped with fizzy champagne grape. RUBBER POOP Chocolate and caramel with flecks of cacao bean and toasted tonka. SNAKE CAN Fancy salted Snake Oil with a hint of mixed nuts. SQUIRTING BOUTONNIERE Hot pink rose wet with cucumber and water lily. WHOOPIE CUSHION Raspberry pulp with orange blossom, patchouli, and a pfffffft of red musk ++ LAB RAT 2017 Those who enter the Lab in North Hollywood, or approach our booth at conventions, often ask: “Mmmm, what’s that I’m smelling?” Naturally, the answer is: EVERYTHING. The aggregate of literally hundreds of perfumes hangs in the air around us while we work, staining our clothes and lingering on our skin after we go home. Just another day in the life of a smelly Lab Rat! Despite many requests, this weirdly specific scent has never been available for purchase… until now! In the spirit of mad science, we assigned one of our laboratory helpers the ignoble task of gathering samples of literally every scent currently in BPAL’s general catalog, and combining them in one immense jug.*** The Lab Rat in question took copious notes during the blending process, documenting the scent’s evolution as he worked through shelves packed with alphabetized bottles. (The cumulative effect of this olfactory journey must have taken a psychological toll — he hasn’t returned to the Lab since.) For those with an academic interest, we have included our Lab Rat’s notes below — the portions that were legible, anyway. 21 through AZATHOTH: Just got through the A’s, and so far we have a spicy, lively, almost disturbingly energetic scent, hovering over a sort of dark, fruity abyss. It’s almost too bad we have to keep going, it would be great to just stop here. 21 through BURIAL: Already so different — now we have a lovely astringent, almost coniferous smell rising on a cloud of… *sniff sniff* black tea? 21 through CZERNOBOG: This has suddenly become a sort of musky, foodie smell, gleaming with… honeysuckle? Or is it just honey mixing with other flowers? Starting to feel a little dizzy TBH. 21 through DRINK ME: Molasses, leather, mint… like nothing I’ve smelled in the GC so far. Only at the D’s so far and my hands are already getting tired, my head feels clobbered, and the jug is still mostly empty. What time is it? Is that music coming from a radio somewhere? 21 through EVENT HORIZON: Mossy night-flowers, glimmer of spice, something alive and restless. Working through my lunch break just to get this over with. 21 through FOREST REVERIE: Fruity jungle blooms, crop circles, disco balls. The nose equivalent of trying to read the subject lines in my junk mail folder. 21 through GROG: ?????? 21 through HUNGER: Juniper, freesia, alpine air, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, the hills are alive, THEY’RE ALIVE 21 through THE ISLES OF DEMONS: ?????//???? honey apple gardenia please kill me 21 through JABBERWOCKY [REDACTED on the advice of our legal counsel] LAB RAT Eau de Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. The cumulative weight of hundreds of scents — a cacophony of mythology, fiction, folk magic, and other arcane influences, all clamoring for your attention at once. ***A note to those with allergies and skin sensitivities: by definition, LAB RAT contains any and every possible component

Immerse yourself in the luxurious romance of Art Nouveau! Support Century Guild, and pick up one of the scents that we created exclusively for this project! FLOWERING LINES rare ART NOUVEAU posters graphics 1895-1910Romantic Art Nouveau artworks from the Golden Age of Vintage Poster Art: Rare images from the Century Guild Museum of Art archives. Back their Kickstarter at $54 and in addition to a book, you’ll nab one of the corresponding Limited Edition BPAL scents (or scoop up all three books/scents for $159). BEAUTIFUL MACABRE Ink-black patchouli, red and black musks, honey carnation, red currant, and oakmoss. FLOWERING LINES Apricot-tinted lilies, heady white climbing roses, sweet pea, and red carnation. TRANSCENDENT LUXURY A lavish white amber chypre with lemon verbena, opulent white gardenia, tuberose, and tonka. Tell 'em BPAL sent ya!

Hello all -- in anticipation of the notorious Ides of March, we have a special six-scent update inspired by historical accounts of the death of Julius Caesar. You can find those here: ++ IDUS MARTIAE Also we have a PINK MOON Lunacy scent for you, as well as a VANILLA ORCHID Single Note. Beware! (And enjoy!)

They're here, folks! Hair gloss, bath oils, and atmosphere sprays to get you (and/or others) in the mood. This year's divine offerings: ++ Novel Ideas For Secret Amusements ++ Box Of Chocolates https://blackphoenixtradingpost.com/category/lupercalia-2017

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! (Be ours?)

Congrats again to Crystal Rose-Thompson for inking the words that inspired Beth to craft the following blend: ++ BPAL7WORDSTORY GLUTTONY “The sirens eagerly beckoned the approaching ship.” Sea splash on murky labdanum and gleaming olibanum, veiled in lavender, diaphanous osmanthus, gilded saffron, and honey incense. Stay tuned for more contest announcements coming soon!

We've got more stuff going live right now than you can shake a stick (or any other phallic object) at! ++ STARSTRUCK 2016 PISCES Mutable Water: the essence of faith. This is the scent of belief, be it in oneself, mankind, the gods, our myths, or our potential. This is the willingness to explore the darkness, the push towards the edges of fantasy or delirium. This is the perfume of the Psychopomp and the Mystic, the Saint and the Madman; this is the scent of the lifegiving salt of blood and ocean, and the darkest depths of the sea. Red musk and brine, ships’ planks of thorny acacia, an indescribable abyssophelagic musk, soporific lavender, and a strange, sweet waft of benzoin. ++ A LITTLE LUNACY WORM MOON Do not smirk as a hearse goes by, For you may be the next to die. They wrap you up in a big white sheet And throw you down six feet deep. They put you in a big black box, And cover you up with dirt and rocks. All goes well for a week or two, Then things start changing; all is new. The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, The worms play pinochle on your snout. A big green worm with rolling eyes, Crawls in your stomach and out your eyes. Til your blood turns mossy green And oozes out like Devonshire cream. Worm Moon marks the season of rains, when the worms scuttle forth, aerating the earth with their movements and enriching the soil by digesting waste in organic material, which creates organic fertilizer. Pink and wriggling globs of grapefruit syrup clotted with congealed moss-green blood, rotting coffin wood spattered with soil, decomposing organic matter, and a gruesome burst of overripe blackberries. And don't forget those special Lupercalia Single Notes: ++ SINGLE NOTES LATEX RIDING CROP

Hi everyone, here's the link for the first wave of Lupercalia treats -- the Trading Post update should be coming next week. https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/product-category/limited-edition/lupercalia-2017/ Enjoy!

I am just getting around to trying this one now. This is one of those examples of scents where Beth gets so deep down into the poetry the scent is referencing. Fresh on the skin, this scent is like a rolling dive from a white, clean space into a very mournful dark place. The passage back and forth in between evokes the earthy greenish imagery of the weeds and such mentioned by Frost. Not picking up on the vanilla at all until the last gasp of the drydown, which reads to me like it's meant to be something of a consolation, leaving you in a softer and more tender place than you were before -- the end of the path leading out of those woods, and back to the (relative) comforts of home. Terrific interpretation of literature into scent!

Crystal Rose-Thompson, with the following entry: "The sirens eagerly beckoned the approaching ship." Scent description and release forthcoming -- but you can count on sampling it at February's Lunacy event. Congrats, Crystal! We'll be posting some honorable mentions soon. In the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for more chances to compete! Thanks for playing, everyone.

Hi, everyone! If you enjoyed NASTY WOMAN, then you'll be keen to hear about FAKE NEWS -- our new scent benefitting the ACLU. Include your Twitter handle in the Notes when you purchase, and we will tweet a fake news headline about you from BPAL's twitter account! Details below. https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/shop/limited-edition/fake-news/ FAKE NEWS 2016 turned out to be the year of the NASTY WOMAN — and thanks to your purchases, BPAL was able to donate thousands of dollars to Planned Parenthood and Emily’s List! Unfortunately, 2017 is already shaping up to be the year of FAKE NEWS. In anticipation of the upcoming inaugural proceedings — and the months, nay years of high-volume dishonesty that are to follow — we offer the following blend to help penetrate the dense fog of of misinformation that’s already begun settling around Truth, Justice, and other historically celebrated American ideals. Wear it in vigilance as you sift through the memes, trolls, clickbait, hate-speech, and outright propaganda that continually threaten to overwhelm all the world’s kindness, wisdom, and informed expertise. Wear it in courage as you refute ignorance and insincerity at every turn — even from our nation’s highest-ranking figures — with indisputable facts from well-researched sources. And try not to lose your sense of humor as you fight back, or your own essential humanity. As Anne Lamott once wrote: “You don’t always have to chop with the sword of truth. You can point with it too.” FAKE NEWS: A scent of misdirection, of 140 frantic characters typed out in spite at 3am, and paranoia-clouded churlish accusations hurled at perceived enemies: crushed pink pepper pod, bitter white tobacco, gnarled patchouli, all covered in glinting, garish slashes of gold. Proceeds from FAKE NEWS will go to the American Civil Liberties Union, non-partisan defender of the rights and liberties guaranteed by the Constitution and laws of the United States. When purchasing, be sure to include your twitter handle in the Notes section of our order form — for every bottle you buy, we will tweet one fake news headline about you from our Twitter account (@BPAL).

Don't forget: this Friday will be our January Lunacy event at the Lab, and it’s also Friday the 13th, so make your way carefully through the world on your way to us. We’ll be accepting donations of socks, tarps, and cold-weather gear for Drive-By Do-Gooders, which will hand them out to those withstanding this very wet winter outdoors, on Skid Row. The tip jar for our refreshments will also benefit DBDG, and we’ll be hamming it up Shakespeare-style in accordance with this month’s theme: Tragedies. (Lilith wants to screen Hamlet, but which version?) Our Dirty South event will be on Saturday the 29th at 4pm, so do keep that in mind for later! Below you’ll find this month’s Lunacy offerings: Starstruck is drawing gradually to a close, the Winter Jasmine is blooming, the Hunger Moon is rising high in the sky, and – why look at that, 13 has returned to teach us a bit about the true reason for the season. ++ STARSTRUCK 2016 AQUARIUS Fixed Air: the essence of knowledge. Not the possession of knowledge, per se, but the desire for knowledge, the path itself, and the drive to seek truth, both personal and universal. This is a scent of progressiveness, modernism and intellectual curiosity, and of unpredictability and independence. This is the perfume of the humanist and inventor, electric with caprice: clove, mastic, and spikenard with benzoin, tonka, sweet vetiver, frankincense, and white pepper. ++ A LITTLE LUNACY HUNGER MOON When Hunger Moon hangs high in the sky, the fields are frozen, and game is piteously scarce. Sleet covers the ground, and biting winds chill to the bone. This is a quiet, cold perfume: desolate and despairing. It is a clear night sky that and bracing chill wind that bears the promise of snow, sharpened by the pain of hunger, and the sharp, rasping stab of thirst. Ozone, white sandalwood, crystallized white amber, verbena, oakmoss, clary sage, black pine pitch, and a hint of white citrus rind. ++ SINGLE NOTES WINTER JASMINE ++ FRIDAY THE 13TH 13 13 is significant, whether you consider it lucky, unlucky or just plain odd. Many believe it to be unfortunate……because there were 13 present at the Last Supper. …Loki crashed a party of 12 at Valhalla, which ended in Baldur’s death. …Oinomaos killed 13 of Hippodamia’s suitors before Pelops finally, in his own shady way, defeated the jealous king. …In ancient Rome, Hecate’s witches gathered in groups of 12, the Goddess herself being the 13th in the coven.Concern over the number thirteen echoes back beyond the Christian era. Line 13 was omitted form the Code of Hammurabi.The shivers over Friday the 13th also have some interesting origins: …Christ was allegedly crucified on Friday the 13th. …On Friday, October 13, 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the arrests of Jaques de Molay, Grand Master of the Knights Templar, and sixty of his senior knights. …In British custom, hangings were held on Fridays, and there were 13 steps on the gallows leading to the noose.To combat the superstition, Robert Ingersoll and the Thirteen Club held thirteen-men dinners during the 19th Century. Successful? Hardly. The number still invokes trepidation to this day. A recent whimsical little serial killer study showed that the following murderers all have names that total thirteen letters: Theodore Bundy Jeffrey Dahmer Albert De Salvo John Wayne Gacy And, with a little stretch of the imagination, you can also fit “Jack the Ripper” and “Charles Manson” into that equation. More current-era paranoia: modern schoolchildren stop their memorization of the multiplication tables at 12. There were 13 Plutonium slugs in the atomic bomb that was dropped on Nagasaki. Apollo 13 wasn’t exactly the most successful space mission. All of these are things that modern triskaidekaphobes point to when justifying their fears. For some, 13 is an extremely fortuitous and auspicious number… …In Jewish tradition, God has 13 Attributes of Mercy. Also, there were 13 tribes of Israel, 13 principles of Jewish faith, and 13 is considered the age of maturity. …The ancient Egyptians believed that there were 12 stages of spiritual achievement in this lifetime, and a 13th beyond death. …The word for thirteen, in Chinese, sounds much like the word which means “must be alive”.Thirteen, whether you love it or loathe it, is a pretty cool number all around. …In some theories of relativity, there are 13 dimensions. …It is a prime number, lucky number, star number, Wilson Prime, and Fibonacci number….There are 13 Archimedean solids.AND… …There were 13 original colonies when the United States were founded.Says a lot about the US, doesn’t it? You can’t always prevent misfortune, but you can face it with courage, grace, strength and good humor. This is a blend of thirteen enlivening, bolstering, cheerful, strengthening oils against a backdrop of dark chocolate: Himalayan cedar, clove bud, champaca resin, ginger root, lemon peel, Madagascan vanilla, golden honey, High John the Conqueror root, black tobacco, oak leaf, saffron, smoky patchouli, and cognac.