smallvoice

The first time I tried 13, it didn't do much for me. It was plasticky and stale. I wore it again today, and woah. It blossomed beautifully on my skin. Warm, syrupy oranges drizzled with chocolate (white and dark, somehow) and balanced by tea, with a very soft floral undertone. This is lovely.

My anxiety is seriously getting the better of me right now.

I mean this in the best way- I never would've guessed you were significantly older than I am. You have a very youthful energy- I'm thinkin' it's the feline. -Cor

I need to go see a movie this weekend. I just don't have time. My future in laws will be here next week- I'm really excited to see them. They're fantastic. We're going to have to clean a LOT before they get here, though. A LOT. I also need to see about getting my nails done, figure out what is going to be done with my hair, and figure out if we're going to have 100 guests or 10. So, the wedding will be here in a week- yay! bounce, bounce, bounce- it's finally heeeeeere! Next up? The divorce. Not mine- my parents. Yeah, apparently my mother isn't going to do it after all. It's this whole big thing. BUT. She might be moving into our very small place. Our very small place with two cats and a housemate already... and she may bring her cat, too... I don't know. I don't have the energy to deal. My brain is fried. And I'm so freaked out about my dress... I'm really hoping it's here on monday.

Did I mention my whole math saga yet? I mean, the latest part of it. Just for the record, I don't like doing badly. So sucking in math this quarter has been a huge strain on my anxiety. HUGE. (Learning that I might be able to draw, however, has been priceless.) And I've sucked to the point where I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull a D-, which is a .7. I was pissed at myself when I got a 3.1 out of intro to Anthropology. That's just for comparison, so the sting of this is crystal clear. Monday, my instructor showed us our grades going into the final. Mine was a .5- I could lose my financial aid if I don't get at least a .7. This sucks. SUCKS! So I go in on tuesday, absolutely flattened because there's just no way I can see I'll be able to score high enough on the final to pull a .7; no way. She comes over again and goes, "Oh, I was mistaken. THIS is actually what you have right now." And points to a 1.7. Uh, that's quite a change. It also puts me into range for pulling a 2.0, which is what I need to move past college level algebra. Most importantly, it is NOT a .5!! Holy shit. So now I don't want to screw up my grade. I want to do well on the final, and I have no idea if I can do that or not. I'm not prepared. I know I'm going to be taking it over again, but... it'd be nice to do it because I want to, not because I have to. Y'know?

Have you ever listened to the lyrics of "The Look" by Roxette? The boy and I just did, and they had us nearly hysterical. I don't know if it's a mis-translation or what, but it sounds exactly like they were all sitting around one day.... (fade to daydream sequence) Band Member 1: We need to write a song! (It's in english because this is my daydream sequence) Band Member 2: Good idea! What should we write about? Band Member 1: (eating a sandwich) I'unno. Band Member 3: Well, this IS the '80s. We should write about a chick. Band Member 2: Nah, that's boring. Band Member 1: (polishes off sandwich before speaking) Let's compromise! We'll write a song about a chick based off one of these crazy-funny mad-lib things! I just got one, and there is serious hilarity potential, I'm telling you! Plus, it's always good to spur inspiration! Band Member 3: How is that a compromise? Are you stoned? Band Member 2: Does it matter? Band Member 3: ...not really. Let's get on it, then! (end daydream sequence) Also, I'm getting married on Joss Whedon's birthday, which is hysterical to me right now. I think I'm prone to hysteria due to finals looming large. But yeah. I had no idea until today, just now, when I read the deal about Serenity being released back into theaters for charity on his birthday. Heh. That's pretty wicked. The boy snickered and said resignedly, "Figures." Gah. Must suppress urge to spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need. My brother's mother-in-law is going to do all our flowers at no cost. That's pretty cool. Vicki. I need to remember her name is Vicki. Cake at no cost, flowers at no cost, hairstyle at no cost, makeup at no cost, food handling at no cost (not actual catering, but people are helping to serve punch and keep trays stocked and cake set out and whatnot), piano for when I walk at no cost, decorations at little cost, location at no cost, officiant at no cost... And I know I'm forgetting stuff. I know I sound like an incredible cheapskate, but I just have a lot of great people in my life.

So, my brother called me last night and announced that his mother told him that I don't have anyone helping with the wedding, so what all do we need done? Well, flowers. But it's wierd that she would say that, because all I've been hearing is that a million people have offered to help, so I set him straight on that. Flowers. Which will be the cost of the flowers themselves, but the arranging will all be free. Fine. So just now, I tell my mother what my brother told me, and she says, "Yeah, nobody's stepped forward to help." And I'm like, "Mom. Why is this the first I've heard of it? You've told me that offers of aid have been pouring in since September, so why would you now tell me that that's not the case? Why would you tell me that just 9 days before the wedding? Why???" Only not quite so dramatically. So she hems and haws and is like, "People just don't want to help anymore." Uh. Uhhhhh. Dude. My brain can't even handle this. I have my muthafuggin' math final tomorrow. No more stress. My wedding is in 9 days. No more stress. The rings arrived today and they're about two miles too wide. NO MORE STRESS!

Ooh! Actually! Pictures at no cost! They won't be professional, but I know a few people with good digital cameras, and my cousin wants to be a photojournalist, and she just got a really, really nice camera- Plus we're sticking disposables on tables to let the guests take some pictures. I will definitely see about getting some posted when we see the results.

Ten days! I'm going to be married in just ten days! That's unbelievable. I'm so excited. Despite the fact that I don't have shoes. And our rings aren't here yet. And my dress probably won't be here for about a week. ... Anyway, we got the marriage license today. Fun stuff. It makes it all so much more real. Guh, it's going to be such a hassle to change my name. I hope it all goes smoothly. Now I'm starting to get really nervous.

Darkity: Yeah... I just didn't expect to get so freaked out. I did try and make my apology as sincere as possible, as I try and never apologise for things I'm not sorry for, but I was worried my tone would be interpreted as snide there, too. I think it was Scylla's giant leap from "I had this blend done long before Underpants came out" to "You're saying Beth stole the idea from you?" was what did it, but there had to be more to it than just that. It was about more than just the forums, at that point. Ugh. I hate drama. Thank you for your support, and I love the monster/stick analogy. It's amusing, and so perfectly true. Aaand, I'm glad you caught the bit I wrote about you. You really made this round awesome for me. It makes me want to try harder next time. Valentina: Leo ahoy! I don't know my rising sign; I need to find my exact time of birth. Whatever it is tends to keep the Leo pretty well tamed, since I'm generally very non-confrontational, and I try to be conscious of how my words can effect people. It wasn't as bad as it might've been, but it was still pretty awful, anyway. Somehow, the fact that Martha Stewart was born on my birthday makes me feel yucky. In another amusing coincidence, my SO was born on the 4th, so he never has an excuse to forget my birthday! It's awfully convenient. Thank you for the words of support. I was feeling pretty awful after yesterday.

I just... Exploded all over the place in that thread. It was awful; like my fingers were possessed by demons or something. And I HATE confrontation. I was just a wreck yesterday. It shouldn't have erupted like it did on the forums. And then the responses after that... ugh. I felt awful. And, worse, I wanted to perpetuate the fight. It was just a bad day for anxiety.

I grew up in the LDS church, also known as the mormons. I was baptised at age 12 because my mother and I were converts, and my dad wasn't active. I'm no longer active. I'm still feeling out my spiritual pathways. However, the LDS church is always going to be a part of who I am and, at least locally, they have a really great community of people. Most of the people helping with the wedding are members. I'm getting married in an LDS church building, by an LDS bishop. My mom is still an active member. My fiance decides that he wants to investigate the church to learn more about my background in it and to connect more with my mom, and also to attend with our roommate, who wouldn't go otherwise. This is all very nice, in theory. However, he hates organized religion. He's very liberal, politically speaking. He believes in God, but doesn't like all the dressings. When he met with the missionaries, it annoyed me, because I felt like he was there to waste their time. And he came back with snide remarks and his usual issues with the thought of organized religions- complaints about beliefs and accusations about oppression of women and just... all the same stuff. So I shrugged and told him not to do it. But he's persisted. So I tend to nod and sigh and remind him that he doesn't have to go there, and nobody's trying to force him into the beliefs. It just irritates me. He came home today ranting about how tithing is just rent for the church and they don't care about motivations and whatever. It's a freaking principle of the church. Don't act like you understand it, because you obviously don't. It isn't flexible. Organized religion has to have structure to it, otherwise it WOULDN'T BE ORGANIZED!!!

I don't think my addiction to the internet is a bad thing. I think people who are derisive of the internet are slugs. It can be a catalyst of bad things, but it can also be a catalyst of good things, and ultimately I think it balances out. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I went through shaking, sweating, convulsing withdrawls over the past week I've been without the internet. My wedding's in one week and six days. On monday, we HAVE to see about getting the license. I also changed my mind about my dress. I was going to wear a kimono, but it turned up all wrong and that's been distressing. So when my bridesmaid/flower girl tops showed up all gorgeous, I went looking through this site at the dresses. I'm having a custom tailored dress made for less than $50, and it should be here late next week. It's perfect. I'm getting the one in cyan, which looked more turquoise on my mother's computer, and now I'm starting to get worried. Not that worried. As long as I get married, I'll be happy. I'm less stressed than I ought to be. I think I'm more focused on surviving school this quarter. When it's over with, I'll go into full-on panic mode for the wedding. There are about 10 people who aren't coming that I would love to magically transport here for the wedding. (And a couple of people who've passed on that I wish could attend as well.) I'd have 2 more bridesmaids were that the case. Ah, well. I know they'll be here in spirit. My father did bring one blessing into my life- his mother. She was a dear, gentle woman and I miss her tremendously. Her death wasn't filled with grief for me, however. It was one of the easiest goodbyes I've ever said to someone I love, and I am not good with the farewell moments. It just felt like her time. I do regret not seeing her again before she died. I think she'd be glad to see me so happy, though. I need to remember to bring yellow roses to the wedding for her. She carried them at her wedding. I am very glad both my brothers will be attending. I suspected one wouldn't be able to make it. Anyway... Off to do some homework. Or lounge around the forums s'more.

This sucks. I'm going to be offline until about the 13th when DSL kicks back in. Our timing on the cable thing blows. Miss you guys.

Thanks to minilux I get to try this one! First time I opened it, it hit me really, really, strongly. It's not shy. There was a bit of coughing. It took a few days for me to work up the courage to sniff it again, because I want so very badly to love it. Then again, I'd sort of hate to love it, for obvious accessability issues. When I first swiped a bit on my wrist, my immediate reaction was: "Huh. This smells remarkably like Smut." That lasted for a few seconds until I sniffed this rather lovely, spicy bouquet that added depth and... I don't know how to describe it. There's certainly no boozey note that I could detect, and the blend seems a lot more complex than Smut did on me. There's something sweet- a resin or something, maybe. Anyway, I'm pretty fond of it at this point. However, within about 10 minutes of me putting it on, I'm sort of wheezing a little bit, and I think it's due to the Queen. Yeah... I actually had to move the little bottle out of the room. Benadryl is my friend. Sadly, I think the Voodoo doesn't work so well...

My mother decided to leave my father when I was 14 years old, an idea that I supported. Unfortunately, the method was all wrong. Instead of going through an attorney, she packed up the car and we rode off into the sunset. It was a whole big ordeal. I was never one of those kids who was afraid of her parents getting a divorce. I occasionally prayed for it, even as early as 8 or 9 years old. I don't know- possibly before then. When we left town, it was several days before he noticed. Days. He called my sister (from his first marriage), who was in her late 20s at the time, I believe. He was frantic about who was going to take care of him. It's always all about him. Most two year olds are less self-centered, and that's not hyperbole. We eventually came back. My mother's health is declining. Living with him has gotten progressively worse. So... she's decided to leave him. Finally. My fiancee (husband in less than a month!) talked her into seeing a lawyer and doing this right. It's just dredging up a lot of shit for me. There's SO much more that I can't process yet. But yeah. If I'm all over the place, that's part of the reason.

Thank you very much for the encouragement. It really does mean a lot. I do have trouble really enjoying myself, though I'm trying to get better. I love my mom to pieces, and so I really want to be strong for her, which makes it difficult to be excited about getting married, too. All this is happening sort of secretively, and it's going to be a whole big ordeal, just not the same sort. This one's going to work. Anyway, really- thank you. -Cor I adore your icons, by the way. Oh! And David Bowie isn't bad to have in your head, right?

Trying to focus on other things... meh. I hate when life gets turned upside down, even when it's best in the long run... But this..? This is just dredging up awfulness from the past and present. It'll get better, but... man, it sucks right now. I'll go into more detail when I can. I'm paranoid at the moment.

I need to stay out of that LJ thread. It's making me upset and snarky and I generally try to be nice to people. I just need to take a breath, a step back, and focus on the fact that I don't always have to attack when I feel threatened. This, to me, is a safe place, and I don't want it to be unsafe... but I'm not the authorities. Yeah, I'm being silly. It's just so... irritating that people can be so freaking mean! Gah. I need to do homework. The boys went to church.

I need to do something to get rid of my negative energy. I know part of it is depression, but part of it is my general attitude, and it sucks mightily. Why is it that when I come to post something here, my mind goes blank? It's not like I don't have interesting thoughts in my head. I do! But once the page comes up, all I can see is that white canvas, and then I start thinking mundane thoughts, and it's all so irritating. My wedding kimono FINALLY came today. It's... really crappy workmanship. I'm disappointed. Plus there are black smudges around the collar. Threads are loose from the fake obi, and the velcro is sewn all askew and through the wrong places... it's sort of freaking me out. Not that you can tell. Also, it doesn't fit me. That really sucks. I wanted to get something else really nice for my swappee. I know for sure she has one of the things I have for her, so I went looking for other things. They all turned out to be things that I want for me, so that's a bad idea. I was all set to check out with some perfume oil samples from various and sundry other places, when I thought to myself: "Self, you ought to check your bank account." And I did. I'm so glad I did... but now what? I know, I'll get creative. But I wish I could do more.

I don't have time to send it back, so I'm going to have to get creative there, too. I'm almost at the month mark- wow! I have so much left to do. I adore my swappee, so I really want to make her happy. I appreciate the encouragement!

With rabid support from my friends and family, I've sort of discovered that I have potential to learn to be an artist. I don't have technique yet, but I think I could do really well with it eventually. This is hilarious to me, because I've always thought of myself as the least artistic person in the room- can't draw a straight line to save my soul, and my stick figures come out malformed, and nothing looks the way it should- but even more, I had SUCH a horrible experience with my intro to art class I took last fall- My instructor was AWFUL. Like, really mean. Coated in sugar, but just always so negative. I almost wrote a letter to the dean about her, actually. Some of the things she did were highly offensive. So anyway. Instead of rushing through math and science to prepare for the radiology program, I can take some art classes and other things that interest me- like foreign language, for instance- and see how I'm doing next year at this time. I'll be married! And with a brand new name! I can't wait to change my name. I'm doing my full name, after we are married. It's crunch time. I only just mailed off a vast majority of the invitations: Yeah, we're closing in on a month until the day. I'm so unprepared. I'm so very excited. I'm so extremely lucky... and now I'm off to bed.

I HAVE to apply for financial aid for the '06-'07 school year very soon! Turns out I'm going to be taking a series of two math classes instead of this one I'm failing so miserably right now. It sucks, and I don't want to fail again. It makes my GPA cry. And by fail, I do mean fail. I'm trying to see the positive side, which is that I'll get to take more classes that I really want to try, to prepare for the career path I'm interested in before the pressure really sets in. Since when did 2 year colleges become 4 year schools? I'm really, really tired.

It's JUST a TV show... but I'm so sad that Chris is gone, and I feel an odd sense of guilt for not voting enough. This should NOT be effecting me to this degree. Dammit.

Woah, it just ate my comment. Dude, that's not cool. So, your comment made me laugh out loud, startling the SO and his cat both. Thanks for that! Chris is bald, built, and sexy as hell. He's made of charisma. I picked him as the winner from his audition, and felt confident with that pick until... well, tonight. So now the winner is pretty clear cut, although Bo was the chosen winner last season, and that didn't work out, so who knows? Hopefully this'll post!