UploadedLobster

A Universal Panacea! Revitalizes the spirit and balances the humors! Prolongs life indefinitely! Black tea leaf, invigorating wasabi extract, sweetened by honey. Much despair and suffering can be prevented by the discreet use of Doc Constantine’s remedies! First reaction: WOOOOOOO WASABI PERFUME WOOOOOOO SPICY NECK WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *cough* So yeah. In the bottle, it really does do the wasabi thing to your nose. Just a little bit. I was expecting a thick bitter sweet scent, but this is actually pretty light. The first few minutes are faintly cologne-y with a vegetal flavor to the wasabi, and the dry-down settles comfortably into notes I recognize: the wasabi turns dry, green, and woody like the paste (mmm paste), the astringence of strong black tea under that, and honey sort of mumbled through both of them. Moderately sweet, moderately bitter, really nice combination. Not a lot of throw, but it lasts for a few hours and once the wasabi note settles it doesn't morph any more. I absolutely love catching whiffs of it, because it reminds me that I have a SPICY NECK, and everyone who has so far been compelled to SMELL MY SPICY NECK WOOOOO has expressed approval of it. The First Mate: digs it. The cats: sneeze. Lobster Rating better than: spicy brains. srsly.

Jailhouse hooch. Distilled in toilets, this vintage is comprised of chow line droppings, including oranges, apples, ketchup, and sugar. WOO HOOO PRUNO! I nearly fell and broke my head running to the mailbox for this one! In the bottle: Sweet and fruity! I think the strongest note is apple with sweet orange being a second but it's really hard to pick out which fruits in particular are in it. Real Pruno's made of such a mashup of stuff, I find this very appropriate. No hint of the dreaded ketchup! On skin: Ooooo, verra nice. Still no ketchup. There's something in here giving it an almost fizzy scent--maybe that's the tomato leaf? I think it is. It's still so well-blended I can't really tell which fruit is happening. I think there's a very faint floral background note, something white. On skin, later: My skin eats the fruit up really quickly so I'm left with the white floral, some sugar, and the green tomato leaf. It's light and refreshing, very unlike real Pruno. This is more like a wine spritzer or something. Dainty! Lobster Rating Better than: dropping the soap

Penitence CCXVIII (#218) I have no idea where the Penitence is in this. This is a dry Penitence martini, I think--as though the Labbies swished Penitence around in the bottle, poured it out, and then refilled the bottle with Khajuraho? There's a dominant musky floral note in here that I remember from Khajuraho and Kubla Khan both, which pretty much guarantees it's champaca. STRONG champaca. It's very lightly sweet but not because I can detect any notes that would be sweet on their own (i.e., no vanilla, no fruit, no sugar, no spices). It's probably the frankincense. Champaca and the little tiny bit of myrrh turn out to have a powerful sympathy I hadn't expected, and really like. I can't tell if it's a very simple blend or a very complicated one. Everything floats together seamlessly. It's an expertly-calibrated balance of very big powerful notes that makes a huge single-note BOOM of a perfume. It throws like a champ, and lasts all day. Lobster Rating better than: finally remembering the title of a song you were trying to tell someone about three days ago

Oh wow. This is PERFECT amber. I really don't know what else to say about it, this is a smell that should glow in the sun. Rich and thick and summer-sweet and spicy. Resinous but with absolutely no sharpness. @#$%@# gorgeous. I've never wished so hard that the Lab still sold 10mls. Why haven't I been buying and wearing and raving about this for years? Lobster Rating better than: anything I can think of right now, holy @#$*

I know what the Lab is capable of when the Lab turns the dial to SWEET. Unsuspecting persons become trapped in a sudden crystallization of supersaturated airborne sugar and have to chew their way out if they want to be able to put down the perfume and go anywhere. So, honey-sweet and lotus? Man, my chewing muscles were ready. Turns out, this is not HALF as sweet as I was expecting. Not even close. There's honey, but it's turned to 4 or 5 instead of 11, and the lotus is turned to about 2. It's thin and vaguely floral, with a weird chemical sharpness. It has none of the depth that the honey notes usually have. This perfume is all surface, and it's a surface with a cheap floral print. Blecht. Lobster Rating better than: that thing that was killing all the bees but is mostly okay now

Heya. Here we are at the ol' dragon ranch, time to rope us up a biggun! ...whoa nelly, pardner, you caught yerself a Buick thar. The paddock's back yonder. There y'go, now yer pointin' the right way, just give that rope a twirl and catch yerself a lizard so big an' fierce it'll scare the stink off a sock...lookit, there's a surly old bastard by the edge of the paddock! Go for that one! ...you done caught the Buick again, ma'am. A biggun may not be the 'un for you, ma'am. Here, we got this little red filly--sweet as summer honey. C'mon over here, sugar. See, there, see how smooth she is. Hear that little purr there, ain't that just precious as hell. Little smoky but she won't set yer curtains afire or nothin'. Take her home, why don'cha? Dish 'a milk in the morning, walkies twice a day. There y'go. ...no, ma'am, you can't take the $@#$% Buick too. Lobster Rating better than: big zoo cats sleeping in the sun like non-big non-zoo cats

This is the scent of your fourth pina colada--the super-rich, super-thick one that you drank most of until there was just sweet coconutty rummy sludge in the bottom, and then passed out in. There's a wedge of pineapple and a vanilla orchid garnish mooshed against your forehead. There's not quite enough base to anchor all this fruity goodness so it floats away pretty quickly and leaves you flopped back in your chair with that flower still stuck to your head. It's a pretty flower, and it's stuck on there really good. I quite like it. I don't get pina coladas for the garnish, though--I had hoped the coconut would hang around longer. Lobster Rating better than: that one time you went to the tourist bar in Cancun and got super-wasted and fell over the table of that nice Canadian couple who were so cool about it when you knocked over their drinks

When I'm diggin', I wear my dirty-hippie smells. Pretty much anything with Big Funky Patchouliwaffles in it. Coiled Serpent is a big fave, and so is Anne Bonny.

I was hoping to get a recommendation--I'm planning to cosplay Casimira, from the book Palimpsest. She's a dream-city's matriarch and the mother of swarms of mechanical bees, crickets, mice, and all kinds of other assorted urban what-not that know everything that goes on, everywhere. She's full of love and her will is law. And she wears a bustle! There's actually a scent named for her already, but that citrus-heavy interpretation doesn't move me. I'd love to hear any other thoughts on what Casimira might smell like. Preferably GC?

Penitence Variant #: III (3) Penitence is a bit player in this. It's very herbal, piney, and minty with the frankincense resin backing it up. There's a subtle rose note in there somewhere, which doesn't seem like it would go but actually really does. I had no love for this at first but it has seriously grown on me. It's a lot like the Apothecary, but less overtly masculine and no hint of soap. Very bracing and clean-smelling, but with a little sweet to take the astringence off. Wait, I got it. Juke Joint. This perfume is what happens when an Apothecary gets up to mischief in a Juke Joint and has to do a little Penitence afterward. That's the best possible description I can give for this thing. A few hours later, everything else has burned off and it's lightly rosey Penitence. I love that.

When I wear this, I am a confection. But not just any confection. I am a superhero confection, with a secret identity. Like all superhero secret identities, it doesn't take long to ditch and get to the fun stuff. The chocolate gets whipped off almost immediately to reveal--PEPPER! Dun dun da dunnnnn! And pepper saves the day from what might otherwise be a too-sweet, too-caramel scent. People cheer! There's a splash page with Thirteen flying away, waving to the joyous crowd! Next issue: it has to fight Troll! Lobster Rating better than: those issues where all the good guys are mind-controlled and fight each other while the bad guys eat popcorn

Thirteen is what happens when Shub-Niggurath grows up and gets its period. (Brilliant stuff. Dark, spicy, sweet and rich. In that order.) Lobster Rating better than: the inside of a merino-wool sweater

Okayokay. Get this: Troll and Kathmandu have a baby, and it's Jezirat Al Tennyn. There's the high-pitched smoky rootiness of Kathmandu complete with the little tart sniff of galangal, and the charred-stuff-and-dirt of Troll. It totally works. It makes for a really gnarly blend of earth and wind and fire; Yngwie Malmsteen probably smells like this. Yngwieeeeeeeeee. Yeah, I dig it. Gotta go walk into some wind with a big coat on. Lobster Rating better than: air guitar windmill

Am I the only person planning to wear a special smelly for President's Day? I missed all the Election Day scents so I'm whipping out, with just a hint of irony, The Great Sword of War.

Toad, from the Wind in the Willows series, actually has motor oil as a listed note. Ditto Mechanical Phoenix, from last year's Anniversary series. Toad and MP reviews both call them as very cologne-y and not terribly oil-y, though. My own bottle of Mechanical Phoenix agrees with that. Black Ice, another limited edition from a while back, has an 'asphalt' note and a touch of vetiver that might be worth trying. As for some General Catalog blends, I did a quick search for "motor oil" in reviews and came up with Czernobog, Malediction, and Highwayman as likely burly-man options. Troll doesn't smell of motor oil, but it IS burly and badass and grimy and smells slightly of charred things. He might dig that.

"HELLO LOBSTER I WOULD LIKE YOU TO HAVE SOME CHOCOLATE AND AMBER PLZ" "Oh, hi Gelt! Okay!" "IT'S DARK CHOCOLATE YOU LIKE THAT RIGHT" "Oooh, I do! My, you're strong. Your notes blend really well." "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO NOTE THAT I AM VERY FANCY-SMELLING" "Goodness yes, you are. My neck smells really expensive now. Elegant but approachable." "I'M JUST GOING TO WAIT HERE FOR A WHILE IS THAT COOL" "That's very cool, you just chill out while I go about my business and catch whiffs of you and rejoice that the chocolate in you doesn't burn off in 15 seconds the way it does with every other chocolate blend I've tried. Must be the amber." *** A Few Hours Later! *** "YOUR LOVEMONKEY SEEMS TO BE HOME NOW" "Hi, lovemonkey!" "LOVEMONKEYS LIKE ME, I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT" "<3" Lobster Rating better than: videos of cats on trampolines

Short Review: Eat Me without the cherries. Tall Double Nonfat Review: The Happy Tropical Pig on Aeaea's label has a new friend, and it's the I CAN HAS CUPCAKE LOL Beaver. As for the scent, it's exactly what the Lab says it is--cupcakes and cheesecake. There's a very faint milky note that demonstrates yes, this IS a cheesecake in here, but it burns off quickly and what's left is basically a happy bouncy cake-vanilla-sugar-omg. I think there's something fruity going on in the background, very similar to the fruit in Eat Me, but it's purely a grace note. Might be cherry, might be pineapple, might even be banana. And since those fruit notes smell nothing alike, I'll just figure it's a whiff of something that would feel at home as part of a banana split and call it good. It's delicious, it's sweet, it's as foody as the day is long and it lasts until the cows come home. It makes jaded store clerks smile and makes people like me. So, you know, pretty much perfect. <3 Lobster Rating better than: the first sunny day in spring

This is as DIRT as a scent can possibly get. It is the King Badass of Dirt. It is the Super-Duper Double Ultra New and Improved Dirt. That said, it starts out like celery. Whlerg. That's the galangal. Galangal is usually a rooty 'tartness', the tang that makes an earth scent moist instead of dusty. It does so here, but for the first minute or two there's some other root or whatnot that it has to fight with until whatever subtle confluence is making the godawful celery flavor burns off. Luckily it does. After that, it's a marvelous pure black-earth scent, dark and heavy and mineral, with none of the frilly extras like the vanilla-mint in Death Cap or the roses in Zombi. Just dirt. Nothing but dirt. The galangal and cedar really do work well together and temper each other--the galangal's tartness and the cedar's resin together make a note that's almost peppery. I get no animal scent, though. This is the scent of where a badger lives and what a badger does, but Badger himself has gone out to take care of something. And that suits me fine. This scent stays close to the skin and lasts a few hours. Lobster Rating better than: mud pies with frosting

My year-old imp of Dragon's Milk is pure molasses in consistency, but not color (it's bright, BRIGHT red). All that dragon's blood, I imagine. Have a look at the rest of the Ars Draconis scents, most of them are pretty thick too and one of them is undoubtedly darker than the Milk.

A bit less 'icy' and a bit more earthy are two scents I've found to have a profoundly powerful feel: Hades and Masabakes. Both are General Catalogue, hey! Hades is a bit more floral, distinctly feminine, but in a way that screams 'matriarch'. I put it in my review ages ago, but it's still an image that I can't shake whenever I wear it: it is the scent of a stately older woman, in a mink-lined coat and rubies, who was born to power and has been wielding it with effortless skill all her life. It's a completely non-sexual dominance. Masabakes is more resin-woody but sharp, not sweet, and has a 'witch queen' feel. It's powerful in an otherworldly way--vigorous, strong, and experienced. The scent of someone who will make your frivolous life hell if you cross her, in ways that involve roots and earth and probably blood. More gender-neutral than Hades, but the witch queen association is so strong for me that it reads as feminine anyway.

Bastet is very chypre, though chypre isn't listed in the description as such. It was one of my first bottles and I loved it for the way it went from resin-citrus to resin-spicy, but my tastes drifted and I swapped it. I'm wishing I had it back now that I remember what I liked about it. No. 93 Engine, in Steamworks, is another excellent option if you like the citrus chypre.

Normally I don't go for rose, but this one looked so good somehow. I was banking on the honey and cream to temper the rose's normal tendency to stand up and go O HAY IM A ROSE LOL. Turns out, the honey and cream are actually the parts of this scent that I like least. The white rose is dewy and pert--just like Ms. Van T on the label. Sexy in a fresh, yet classical fashion. Exactly what a rose note should be. The honey and cream are afterthoughts in comparison, comparatively faint notes that I could happily take or leave. They provide some background softness to a rose that doesn't need it. Lobster Rating better than: mohair

Starts out with custard cake with candied orange peel. As a scent it's absolutely unctuous, rich with cream and eggs and more cream and some butter and sugar syrup and old-world love, the kind of dessert that shortens your life by a half-dozen years. After a few minutes the thickness of the cake and custard die back a little. They're still there, of course, but they're sitting on a plate next to you instead of being smeared all over your face. The anise comes out right about then. Not very powerfully, but it adds a warm spicy tang to the sugary orange. I was mildly concerned about the flowers, but they don't seem to do much on their own. Insofar as I detect them at all, they're a background note that gives the anise a greener and less foody character than it would otherwise have. ...you can pretty much ignore everything I've just said, though. That's just details. The real review is this: HUESOS DE SANTO IS THE MOST DELICIOUS THING IN MY STASH BOX. AND I GOT SOME DELICIOUS @#$%# IN THERE. Lobster Rating better than: no pants

Faint maple and apple add a bit of sweetness, but mostly it's OAT. Dry, dusty, magnificent OAT. And a little hay. And a little musk to help it last, which it does. And more OAT. I am beyond delighted with Gunpowder. This isn't the smell of a pony, or even of a pony's food, though there are definitely elements of both in here. This is the scent of the innocent, wholesome joy of pony ownership. Only without the poo. And the manual labor. And the inevitable young-adult-book moment when your pony gets old and dies. None of that. Just the love. <3 <3 <3 Lobster Rating better than: Old Yeller

Once upon a time, a Snake Oil and a Brown Jenkins loved each other very much. Both were strongly spicy, incensey blends, but it was their differences that pulled them together--the earthy patchouli in Snake Oil meshed perfectly with the smoky coconut in Brown Jenkins. It was true love. Nature took its course, as nature does, and soon Snake Oil and Brown Jenkins celebrated the arrival of their firstborn: Death Adder. The proud parents looked down upon their child, noticed its rich sweetness, its husky coconut charm, and the spices it had inherited from both of them. And then Snake Oil sniffed again. "Dear?" she said. "I think Death Adder's diaper needs changing." Brown Jenkins also noted the scent, becoming stronger on the air, that was unmistakably the scent of unwashed ass. "Darling," he said, "I think that's vetiver." "No!" Snake Oil gasped. "Our baby? Vetiver!" Death Adder looked up into the worried faces of its parents. It blinked. And with an expression on its face of pure angelic bliss, it released a gurgling fart of such tarry colonic pungency that canaries three counties away began to feel light-headed. "Vetiver," Brown Jenkins confirmed, pinching his nose. Snake Oil did likewise, and sighed. "We're adopting the next one." Lobster Rating better than: car fires