Can you see the real me?
Sometimes - ok a lot of the time - I wonder exactly what people think of me. If I don't know someone I tend to be very quiet and reserved. I don't speak up, don't really offer my opinions, don't expand on my thoughts or comments. Flying under the radar, being invisible, that's my usual MO. I think this is what an old friend meant when they told me I was very un-Leo-like. Inside, however, I am quite the Leo. I want attention. I want people to laugh at my jokes. I want to be engaging. I take pride in my appearance. The inner Leo always fights with my low self confidence but usually loses. Most of the time just can't shake that ugly, unpopular, wallflower kid feeling from middle school. I feel that anyone I meet immediately sees that I don't measure up and that I am not worth consderation. It's not as though people come up to me on the sidewalk and ask just what business I have going out in public but sometimes it feels that way. My husband tells me that he wishes I could see myself through his eyes. I wish I could too.
There are days when I do open up. Then I talk and laugh and joke. In the moment everything feels fine but afterwards doubt creeps in. Did I talk too much? Was the person just humoring me? Do they think I'm just nuts? I have a caustic sense of humor and a keen sense of observation - does that make me appear harsh or critical? I think I notice these things more the older I get. Possibly because it's so hard to meet people when you don't have a ready made community like high school or college.
I'm not even sure where this post is going...just some random thoughts going through my head at the moment. I'm resisting the urge to delete it though.
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