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Wedded, Pissed

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darkitysnark

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Snarky has to interrupt this regularly scheduled home improvement program to do a little theraputic venting/stream of consciousness whangdoodle:

 

Givens:

1) Snarky hates moving. HATES it. With a deep, burning, vitriolic passion. She suspects she might be a little OCD about her Stuff being Messed With, even if it is she who is doing the messing.

 

2) The Mister has been suffering from low-grade depression for as long as Snarky has known him. That would be eight years.

 

3) The Mister only recently started getting treatment for said depression when it developed into anxiety attacks that affected his work performance and also showed up as heart attack-like symptoms.

 

4) The Mister had to stop taking his "happy pills" because they gave him a rash.

 

5) The Mister hates his job. This is probably what pushed his depression into anxiety.

 

6) The Mister's job is so consuming that he's too busy during the day to do anything "extra-cirricular" and has also had to bring home "homework" that sometimes has him up past midnight (or in one instance, he never came to bed). Therefore, Snarky has been doing all necessary research for the house/move.

 

7) Snarky really, REALLY hates moving.

 

8) Snarky wrestles with her own issues of low self-esteem (coupled oddly enough with a raging ego, work that puzzle out) which can create overblown reactions to criticism.

 

Catalyst:

 

So today, all those factors came to a head as Snarky tried to secure temporary permits to allow the Snarks to park a fourteen foot moving truck in front of their (essentially, for the purposes of this story) downtown apartment building. It's always the little things that set off the best explosions, no?

 

This could have just as easily been a week-old stack of unwashed dishes in the kitchen or an odd comment on the appropriateness of a certain pair of pants to a certain type of musical venue. Something trivial and small yet monumental, like dripping water or straws on camels' backs.

 

Results:

 

A very terse, very public cellphone conversation in the middle of the engineering department where at points Snarky had to hold the phone away from her ear because The Mister, in his best moods, cannot use an Inside Voice to save his life. As he was at times apoplexic with anger (at Snarky, the world, his employer, again with Snarky, and again with work), fuming with frustration, and exclaming in exasperation, his Outside Voice was just about at Football Stadium Level.

 

Snarky responded with hushed, angry, trying-to-be-not-"you-statements" speak and had a fun time wrestling her features away from alternating between tears of rage, tears of sadness, tears of fear, and just plain good old fashioned WTF.

 

Snarky admits she is not blameless in this. She is passive-aggressive, sensitive, and requires much grooming. She's usually pretty much self grooming, but enjoys a fluff every now and again from her paramour. She can be a demanding diva bitch banshee at times, but has been working hard to recognize when those "chocolate and pickles" style impulses present themselves.

 

This is the rockiest point before it gets smoother. This is the abyss from which, after the dust has settled, they will look back with their arms looped around eachother's waists, and they will say "Whew! That was a close one!" And they will be glad that they had eachother to lean on, rail against, and be pushed through by in order to make it to the Other Side.

 

They just have to have faith and get there together.

 

Solution:

 

Snarky plans on making peace offerings tonight. But for now, she has a job interview for which to prepare, and a slowly rising tide of panic to quell with logic and love.

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*deep breath* *deep breath*

 

Moving is very stressful. We moved several times, cross-country for a few (California to Ohio, then Ohio to Texas). I still have "moving dreams."

 

Please don't view this as The State Of Our Marriage or Our Happiness Is On The Line. It sounds like both you and Mister have a bunch of extenuating circumstances, which are all conspiring to make you miserable.

 

I'm babbling, but feel free to vent as much as you want here. ;)

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Ah, the "demanding diva bitch banshee" comment is why I love the darkity. But seriously, moving is up there on the list of big-time pains in the ass (or as the pop psych people say, "stressful events.") Buying a home makes it even more of a mind-bend. It is fine to be stressed out and insane, IMHO. All your comforting routines are shot to hell. Why wouldn't you feel whack?

 

I'm sorry about the Mister's low-grade depression. I'm genetically predisposed to the same sort of thing. Stress truly does make it worse and about a year and a half ago I did some fabulous stack-blowing as I talked on the cell phone as I drove down the street to my doctor's office. I hope he finds a 'scrip that works for him. I have a good friend who ended up in the emergency room about two weekends ago because she had the heart attack symptoms. It was stress and anxiety, but it was scary as hell.

 

darkity has a very good attitude and seems pretty self-aware to me. Once the move is over, the routines can resume, new ones can be established, and you and the Mister can resume a feeling of normalcy.

 

Wish I wasn't half a country away, or I'd help you move. My muscles from the gym have to be good for sumthin', ya know? I could put on a Rocky Balboa accent and periodically yell: "Hey Adriene!" at you during the movie, providing either comic relief or additional irritation. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not there. But ;) to you guys. I'm thinking about you.

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Please don't view this as The State Of Our Marriage or Our Happiness Is On The Line. It sounds like both you and Mister have a bunch of extenuating circumstances, which are all conspiring to make you miserable.

 

Darkity is very thankful for your empathy. Things almost immediately started to get better once she posted and after a furtive face-to-face with The Mister.

 

The rare moments of friction in their lives together always end with quasi-ultimatums that spring from some deep respective doubt they both seem to harbour about their own ability to make enough of a contribution to their marriage. The drama has decreased with time (often, arguments get short cut and end eventually with "can we just get to the making up part already?" ;)) but life changing circumstances like this still shake loose the old insecurities.

 

Wish I wasn't half a country away, or I'd help you move. My muscles from the gym have to be good for sumthin', ya know? I could put on a Rocky Balboa accent and periodically yell: "Hey Adriene!" at you during the movie, providing either comic relief or additional irritation. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not there. But ;) to you guys. I'm thinking about you.

 

Well, there are about four steps up to any door into the house... so you could also run up and down, pumping your fists triumphantly in the air for comic relief as well. Duh-nuh naaaah! Duh-nuh naaah!

 

The Snarks will make it through this, and once the dust settles, The Mister is going back in for a re-evaluation. Darkity is pretty firm about this. She is also planning on resuming her own personal habits for Improved Mental Health (knitting, weight lifting, cooking).

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Natalia is kindof a bitch. Faced with a similar situation dealing with her man's vaguely moody kinda depressedness that left him sitting on the couch instead of cleaning/keeping house/etc while she was studying for the mother of all difficult exams, working as the sole supporter of the household, and still keeping up with her half of the regular chores... She instructed him to shit or get off the pot.

 

Either he was depressed and needed to go back on antidepressants. Or he wasn't and needed to get back to washing dishes. Natalia was not going to accept doing neither. Her man pouted then got back on the antidepressants. Which, oddly enough, inspired him to get back in the kitchen. Amazing how that works.

 

Anyway, she knows how frustrating it is to feel helpless in the face of an overwhelming task. In fact, worse then helpless when you find yourself having to fight to get the help and support you exepected to be there to begin with. She doesn't know what advice to give Snarky except that sometimes men respond well to very simple either-or distilations of the problem. Many men get overwhelmed by subtle, nuanced combinations of many issues, and just shut down instead of facing them. Given a binary choice of options, they feel more confident about making the correct choice.

 

Natalia wishes Snarky good luck!

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