I've been having weird dreams. Dreams of betrayal, mostly, like the one where the company of soldiers I was counting on to help me win the battle were asleep when I went to give them the order to move out. Turned out they were enemy soldiers, posing as our side to give us false confidence and think we had a company that the enemy didn't know about.

And I acknowledged my health issues in one of the dreams. I think the two are related. I think I'm feeling betrayed by my body far more than I realize, and moreso as I come to accept that I will never go another day without feeling pain for the majority of it. I will never again be able to push myself and have the consequential achiness and whatnot be proportional to how much I pushed; it will always be twice that.

I will never be who I was, the girl who, despite being out of shape and overweight, could still pull physical exertion out when needed. I will always be the one who needs taking care of, always be the one who needs instead of the one who's needed.

I always thought that I'd have that freedom. I mourn it now.