I feel sick to my stomach. My mind is knawing away at its own devices out of complete frustration with the opposite sex. I have this animal urge to obtain something that is mine and only mine, love if you will. But that alone negates the purpose of being wonderfully entangled with someone, if you want them for you and only you. No such thing exists and to want to obtain that is to desire the domination of a free trandscending body, which I don't want. I don't want to dominate someone and capture them into liking me, I'm just tired of watching romantic comedies about how these two people miraculously fall in love though some random encounter and then live happily blah blah. Good lord, Garden State was such a great movie and I love it, yet at the same time I never want to see it again! I got the soundtrack though, its dank. Anywho, I have some faith left that two people could intersubjectively (philosophically speaking) come together as one and be in love without domination or jealously or without the attempt to control one another. They could just exist as two Daseins in the blanket, under the blanket, cuddled up. Man I'm a cheeseball deluxe, but i don't care.

I am madly infatuated with my Philosophy teacher and its a stupid thing on my part. A) because its distracting, the cute little things he does and the way he talks and his funny sense of humor and amazing taste in music, etc etc. because he is my teacher and teacher/student relations are a big fat no no. C) because I am almost positive he has a kid (barf) and who knows, perhaps he is attached as well.

I know I have control with how nose over tail I can get, but at the same time I feel as though I'm completely helpless to his sexiness permeating and fogging my brain. Argh

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to really get what I want. I mean REALLY. Like to have him approach me one day and ask me on some casual date and then all of sudden push comes to shove and we're doin' the no pants dance in his giant bed. I really wonder what that would be like. I have to heed to the old saying that once you get what you want you never want it again, but hey, who said logic has to apply to a teacher student fling?

Lord help me.