I know I need to work out more. I do. I've seen the wedding photos, and I want to be healthy. I need to be healthy.
Here's the thing. This is week 7 of 12 in the quarter. I have 6 hours logged- which is better than I've done in the past, for sure! But instead of needing 14 hours, I need 25. Here's the other thing: The lab will be open the week of Thanksgiving, but we don't get credit for working out that week. Whahuh?? And I don't think we can work out week 12, though I might be wrong. So I need 19 more hours. I kind of want them done before Thanksgiving... so I'm going to be going in every day this week and working out the full 90 minutes, instead of an hour as I've been doing. (I can only get credit for the first 90 minutes I work out per day.)
So if I work out for 90 minutes for the next 5 days that'll be an additional 7.5 hours, for a total of 13.5 hours. Then, week 8, I'll do all 6 days for another 9 hours will be 22.5... Which means I'll have 2.5 hours for week 9. Bwahaha! It's a pipe dream, to be sure. But it'd be nice to just get it out of the way.
I'm not pregnant!
I almost wrote a post here last night that I thought I was pregnant, because I was having huge anxiety over it, but then I freaked out about how saying it might help it to be real or whatever. Anyway, I'm not. Hooray!
I hurt my neck today somehow. It is not comfortable. I think I'm going to try and sleep now, though. Just wanted to share the good news!
As has become expected, I am doing much better today than I was yesterday. I am SUCH a freak the first day of a new quarter, seriously.
Speech is going to be challenging, but I think it'll be good for me, and I already like the instructor. I got into the 8:00 math class and dropped the one that traumatized me, so even though I'll have to get up at 6am, I'll be totally done with school by 11:30, and that is really nice. I have missed that. I'm half tempted to do a 7:00 class next spring so I'll get out at around 10. But... eh. I'm not that much of a morning person, and dragging myself to yoga at that time was seriously difficult, and that was only two days a week.
I like my Lord of the Rings instructor, too. I have a feeling that is going to be a good class for me; I just need to get reading. For now, though, I need to do some math!
to everyone! Thanks for all the support!
I am still undecided. I want this quarter to be a really good one! I don't want to regret not taking precalc. Um. That's about it. Hope you're all doing well!
I think I just figured out a note I love! Finally! I mean, I know there are blends that work well on me, but I've never been able to really truly single out a note... and that note is white musk. I tested Katharina just now, and it was a little sharp going on, but then I noticed that it has white musk in it, and so does Whitechapel, so I figured that maybe it would dry down differently on me- and half an hour later, it smells fantastic. It's the same musk- I can actually pick it out. That is freaking awesome.
I need to lose weight. This is not an epiphany, obviously (the white musk thing was the epiphany). It's just... incredibly important to me. I was explaining this to one of my bridesmaids earlier this week. I want to go out with my husband, and have people look at us and think: "What is that girl doing with that guy?" Here's why: I think he deserves that. I want to make people sit up and take notice of him.
Please don't take that to mean I'm putting down his appearance; I'm very attracted to him. I just know that he doesn't have the physical appearance to match his heart- and trust me, if his phsyical appearance really did correspond to his heart, angels would weep and traffic would stop and there would be no more war and he'd be able to turn tap water into Shub Niggurath (the BPAL blend, not the Lovecraftian critter, because that would be seriously freaky- can you imagine? He'd have to get special glasses or something, because otherwise he'd unleash this terror onto the world... but yeah, getting off the subject here...) with a piercing glance and.... yeah. All that stuff.
He's that special. He deserves someone fantastic.
I think I need to crawl into the land of the sims now.
I hate when people die. And I feel guilty if I haven't spoken to them in a while.
I've been thinking about my friend, Charlie. He died about two years ago. He's been on my mind all week. I cried so hard when I found out.
"I could never commit suicide," he once told me, when I was feeling particularly suicidal. "It goes against my religion. I don't want to go to hell."
I don't believe he's in hell.
I miss him a lot.
Love you, Charlie.
Love to you, Cove and Judy.
I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I have trouble dealing with kindness when I'm going through a rough time. I don't know how to explain it, other than it makes me break down, because it's overwhelming, or something... does that make sense? At any rate, there's a whole heck of a lot of kindness here and as much as I appreciate it, I think I need to sign off for the evening. Love to everyone.
I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure I know why anymore.
He called his mother, asked her for money to get his car fixed so he can get home, and she is sending it. She asked to speak to me. She was in tears- worried sick that he might hurt himself instead of going home. I promised her I would keep a lookout and let her know if anything happened. She said they were thrilled to have him back, but she knows how much it hurts him.
She left her home phone number and her cell phone number. I do plan on calling her and speaking with her about him. If she really wants to help him, I can point her in the right direction. I also want to know if she knows the magnitude of his debt up here, both personal debt and public. She didn't come across as the cold hearted bitch he's been portraying her as, but I'm not convinced he was lying about that, simply because my father can put on a good show when he feels like it. Still, it seems fishy. A lot of it does.
This is a bad week to do this. He has a week to get the money from her, and then a week to get his car repaired. Otherwise, we buy him a bus ticket and off he goes. At this point, it's a small price to pay.
But next monday is my big midterm in psychology. I get my math work done at school, and I've been really working hard on it. Difference of trinomials was where I got completely lost last quarter, and I have those suckers down pretty well. However, I've been doing really poorly in psychology. And today I think I guiltily realized that I'm a little bored with this particular instructor. I love him to pieces, but it's a format that's been repeated three times now. I'm still planning on taking archaeology in the spring, but I think I'll give the social sciences a break winter quarter.
Okay. Feeling better. Compartmentalizing stuff is a useful thing sometimes.
Fun times. So, somebody I've been friends with for coming on seven years now has sort of just proven himself to be a rather awful person. The sad part is that I should've seen it coming, and I just wanted to believe the best about him. The really sad part is that other people are paying for my mistake with him. It's a huge mess. I'm pretty angry all around. And sad. I've spent the better part of a year (or more) trying to help him find his way, and all he's been doing is taking advantage of me and anyone close to me who wants to help me... Grrrarrrgggghhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrggggg.
There's something up with my inner ear. I've had an earache all weekend, and my balance is messed up.
It's been too long since I wrote in here. So here I am.
Knitting has come to a standstill, as I sort of began feeling hopeless with it. It also got pushed way down on my list of priorities.
I am going to be baking cookies to include for my switchee. Possibly fudge.
So, my husband and I had a long conversation about weight and stress. We need to bite the bullet and just stop. And I can do that if he tells me that's what we're doing. But if he wavers at all, I'll hit a craving and justify it like woah. So, no more snacks. Instead, we will have real meals. And salads. With Newman's Own dressing.
I pointed out that when we need time to ourselves, away from the housemate, we always go out to eat. We could easily go walk around Hastings and pick up a game or a few books for what we spend on eating out. We need to reward ourselves in other ways. For me, that's easy- BPAL, Villainess, and other e-tailers that I've grown fond of.
Noumenon wrote something in (If I recall correctly) a wanted post recently, and it really sort of hit home for me. She said something to the effect of: I've been here a short while now, and I spent the summer nailing what I wanted in the GC. Now I want to seek out some limited editions.
I haven't done that. Even though I tend to enjoy the GC scents more, I am obsessed with LE's. OMGWTFBBQWhatifInevereverseeitagain!!! This could be my One Chance!
I still want Pumpkin Queen and Sol Invictus, but I think I need to focus on the catalog for the time being. There's no reason for me not to have bottles of Alice, Sudha Segara, Dorian, Arkham (!), Port-au-Prince, O, and others. Even though I've loved Arkham since Kmasden was nice enough to send me a decant in February, I believe, I didn't order a bottle when it was brought back. I love Alice! I sing her praises constantly! But no bottle.
So I'm going to lay off the LE's, and I'm going to treat myself, when I can, to GC bottles. First up: Arkham.
I am going to try and participate in NaNoWriMo. I'm worried I'm stretching myself too thin, with school and swaps and knitting and the holidays and everything going on. But I am already writing down the dares I'm pondering adding to my story. It should be entertaining.
Take care, loves. I'm out of steam.
The watchdog group didn't work out. We paid stupid Trinsic. They're going to disconnect the number entirely in 24-48 hours, so I'll probably be without DSL until Verizon can get us hooked up. I dunno how long that'll take, so if you don't hear from me, don't worry, for I am not gone.
Ugh. I hate this.
Sooo... now that I'm all registered for the maths next quarter- precalculus, to be exact- I'm starting to feel anxious about passing the final.
I've done fine in the class and I've had reasonably few problems grasping the concepts, but if I choke on the final... well, I can't get higher than a 1.7, even if I had a 4.0 going into it.
I know I'll pass. I know I'll pass. I need to pass.
Oh, and just in case you're lurking, Indi- I dropped History of the Modern Middle East, not linguistics. I need my fun class, and while I'd prefer archaeology, linguistics works out pretty well anyway.
Now I'm obsessing over how to work my schedule from here on out. I have 4 more quarters (counting Spring) before I can start the radiology program, though I have to be accepted first. Classes I have to take: A&P 1 and 2, Statistics. Possibly one other thing. Classes I want to take: Precalc 1 and 2, Calculus 1-4, English 201, Intro to Genetics, Archaeology, Physical Anthropology. A lot of classes to fit into three quarters, since I'm already registered for spring.
Fall: A&P 1, Precalc 2, English 201 or Genetics
Winter: A&P 2, Calc 1, Statistics
Spring: Calc 2, English 201, archaeology
....yeah. I didn't really think that one through all the way. I just really want to learn this. Why didn't I tackle math sooner? And why is calculus a 4 course sequence?
In my excitement over not being pregnant, I forgot to share one of my main causes of anxiety, and that is my new nephew! My sister in law had her baby on the 16th and he is beautiful! Obviously they both came through it fine, which was worriesome at the time, and they got to leave the day afterwards, even though it had originally been projected that she'd have to stay at least three days. So, yes. There's much happiness over the new addition to the family.
I was living in Utah when my paternal grandmother died. She was a sweet, beautiful lady. I am so grateful that I spent a lot of time with her when I was growing up. I spent most weekends at her house, and later her apartment. She was lucid and active when she passed away, but she had moved in with her daughter, who lived near Portland at the time. She never wanted to burden her children, so I think that may've been part of the reason she was ready to go. (Quick aside, since I don't want to mar this story with anger, but I really, really dislike my aunt. She took advantage of my grandmother, and there was even suspicion briefly that she may've "helped" her pass on, but again, that's for another time.)
I felt peaceful about it. It wasn't an ugly death, and she lived a long time- though I couldn't tell you her exact age, she was in her late 80s at least, probably early 90s. I was sad that I was so far away, and that I hadn't seen her for some time, but I did okay with it. Thanks to a dear friend who worked with Delta airlines, I was able to fly home for her memorial service and spend some time there to recharge.
The week after her memorial service, we got a phone call from my aunt. She had 2 children- her oldest was a boy, 13, and her youngest was a girl, 7. The girl was a surprise- majorly. My aunt had had her fallopian tubes tied off, and my uncle had a vasectomy, but she was something of a miracle. She looked so much like my uncle that there's no doubt she was his.
I spent summers with them, and at one time had been very close to them. They were like siblings, especially the boy. Then I grew up and didn't spend as much time with them- they lived several hours away, and I was busy, and then I moved.
The call was to let us know that her son had killed himself. You know what the first thing I felt was? Relief. Isn't that horrible? I was afraid that my mother was going to tell me that he had killed somebody else- his sister, classmates, anyone else. He could have been a school shooter, but he wasn't, and I was relieved. I can clearly remember going through all the stages of grief, especially denial, which seems like the most ridiculous one to me. Maybe it was an accident with the gun. Maybe somebody else had done it and made it look like he had done it. Was he at the hospital? Maybe he wasn't even really dead. Maybe they were working on him there.
There was a note. To this day, I absolutely ache to read it, to pore over it, to see what made him do it, and to get some answers. They're not there; they're never there. I didn't ever get to read it, but I morbidly grilled my aunt for details of what had happened leading up to it. I was obsessed with trying to understand. There's no way to understand. The only person who can really provide any answers is gone, and that is the HARDEST thing in the world I've ever had to accept.
It was morning, and his mom left for about 15 minutes, to drop his dad off at work, since they only had the one car that was working. He had eaten his breakfast and showered; gotten ready for school. His homework was done. He and my aunt briefly spoke about buying roses for his girlfriend, and he seemed excited about it.
When my aunt got home, she went downstairs to get him off to school, and he had done it. She said, "No mother should have to see what I saw." I agree. Her daughter was hiding under her bed upstairs. The story goes that she didn't go down to investigate the gunshot, but I'm almost positive that she went down and was actually the first one to find him, and then went and hid until her mom got home.
This may seem almost silly to add in, but the day of his memorial service, we got a call from home- the kid who had been looking after our cat found her dead when he went in to feed her that morning. We'd had her for 18 years; I couldn't remember being without her, and she was probably 20... so that just added one more ache. It was one more loss.
That was such a dark time. I still don't know how you deal with suicide. I never found a way.
My other cousin, his little sister, is the absolute light of my life. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, despite the fact that she was only 15. I love her so much, and I wish I could protect her from all the pain she's been through. She's the one who is possibly moving to Maine, eventually. A few years after her brother's death, she was skiing with her dad, on Thanksgiving, and he had a heart attack and died. This kid has been through the wringer. She is such an inspiration to me, and I don't think she even knows it.
Anyway... I don't know. I guess I needed a mental purge. Sorry if this upsets anybody, though.
Did I mention my whole math saga yet? I mean, the latest part of it. Just for the record, I don't like doing badly. So sucking in math this quarter has been a huge strain on my anxiety. HUGE. (Learning that I might be able to draw, however, has been priceless.) And I've sucked to the point where I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull a D-, which is a .7. I was pissed at myself when I got a 3.1 out of intro to Anthropology. That's just for comparison, so the sting of this is crystal clear. Monday, my instructor showed us our grades going into the final. Mine was a .5- I could lose my financial aid if I don't get at least a .7. This sucks. SUCKS! So I go in on tuesday, absolutely flattened because there's just no way I can see I'll be able to score high enough on the final to pull a .7; no way. She comes over again and goes, "Oh, I was mistaken. THIS is actually what you have right now." And points to a 1.7. Uh, that's quite a change. It also puts me into range for pulling a 2.0, which is what I need to move past college level algebra. Most importantly, it is NOT a .5!! Holy shit.
So now I don't want to screw up my grade. I want to do well on the final, and I have no idea if I can do that or not. I'm not prepared. I know I'm going to be taking it over again, but... it'd be nice to do it because I want to, not because I have to. Y'know?
I have some sort of a skin infection that's not going to kill me, but it is grossing me out. Plus, I have to take 4 pills a day to help clear it up. Because it's communicable, I'm going to have to bathe in bleach. Or just go swimming a lot, which is preferrable. On top of that, the air conditioner in my room froze over, so we've had it off to let it thaw out and it's freaking hot in here. It explains why the ac hasn't been putting out as much cool air as it probably should be.
And, uh, now it appears to be broken. Crap.
Frazzled.
School starts on monday. What's it going to be like? What if I get lost? What if I wear the wrong shoes? What if I've got the wrong lunch box? What if I trip on the stairs? ... right. I've been here before, and I have badass shoes (except the ugly gold ones I wore at my wedding) and I don't have a lunch box, and if I trip on the stairs for the zillionth time, then I'll laugh for the zillionth time and accept help up from the cute boy who calls me ma'am. ...wait. That was mostly right. Except for the boy calling me ma'am. And, really, how often do I trip on the stairs?
So, yeah. Nerves are high.
In other news: My mom has not been to the ER, so no more bleeding as of yet. The doctor came over and changed her bandage and generally checked her leg out. He says it looks ouchy but okay. Well, I'm summarizing.
I haven't kept up with anybody else lately, and I'm really sorry for that. I'm on power-save mode right now, which sucks, especially if you're my friend Rob, who had a birthday several days ago and didn't get a phone call from me. But I remembered! My anxiety has just been so friggin' high lately that everytime I think about calling him now, I think "He'll think I forgot!" and then it all goes downhill from there.
Stupid anxiety. Stupid nightmares. Grr.
I need to get my school things together. Notebooks and whatnot. I think I'm going to end up carrying three bags; one for each class. I'm wondering if I'll need the psychology book. I know the instructor, and I haven't used any textbooks in his classes thus far, but none of them were psych. I guess I'll figure it out. I'm looking forward to next week being over with. I wish I could just ask the art instructor if he's going to be a psycho-lunatic, but that probably wouldn't go over well.
If I'm ever going to attend a four year school, I'm going to have to take a whole lot more math than just statistics. Do I try and get some of it done next year? Or do I try and keep the focus on the sciences I need for the radiology thing and not spread myself too thin?
I don't know. I'm back in obsessive mode regarding my classes. Obviously.
More:
Ooh! I just went through the new course catalog, and the genetics class I want to take has basic math and science prerequisites, which means I should be able to take it sometime in the next school year. But there's where I run into the problem I was chewing on up above- where do I fit it in?
They've also got several spanish classes that I'm now interested in looking at. (I was essentially forced into taking 3 years of it in high school because it was practical, so I never developed a love for the language, but I think I might be able to do that now.)
More:
How is it that I can obsess so much over future classes and yet be dreading tomorrow so much? There's no reason for it, either. I like all of them. In fact, this is probably my best quarter of instructors, and certainly one of my favourite classes, as far as people in it go. I'm going to fall apart when things start getting really difficult.
I HAVE to apply for financial aid for the '06-'07 school year very soon! Turns out I'm going to be taking a series of two math classes instead of this one I'm failing so miserably right now. It sucks, and I don't want to fail again. It makes my GPA cry. And by fail, I do mean fail. I'm trying to see the positive side, which is that I'll get to take more classes that I really want to try, to prepare for the career path I'm interested in before the pressure really sets in. Since when did 2 year colleges become 4 year schools?
I'm really, really tired.
This is SO frustrating. I am having anxiety about going to school tomorrow. WHY? Other than my Lord of the Rings class, there's not a lot of stress there- and even that class is turning into something with potential to be enjoyable... but I digress. And it's late, and I should be asleep.... Guh.
I went and got my driver's license info updated yesterday. I realized that my signature looks awkward, even for being left handed and not so good with the neat handwriting in the first place. I need some serious practice.
It feels like a fake ID. (Especially since it's that paper stand-in you get before they send you the fancy plastic) Somebody called me Grace! I updated my social security card, too. Now I need to do billing records and bank account and library card and credit cards and school records... this is a really huge undertaking.
It will be my two year anniversary for having my driver's license on my birthday.
Tomorrow is my one-month wedding anniversary!
Awesome.
ANTM: I haven't ever watched it during the season before, but I usually catch at least part of a marathon afterwards. (I'm going to try and break this up, since it was sort of a stream of thought and was in one huge clump.)
I don't think the remaining girls are all that pretty, especially the twins. I don't get all the fuss over their features, though admittedly, I'm no expert. Still, they seem pretty... average, I guess? I don't think they'd really stand out all that much, even. However, Michelle is the one I've been hoping would go home since the episode where Nicole left.
I like Melrose, and I like that all the other girls hate her. It just makes me laugh.
I have a really big issue with girls who can't deal with having their look changed- when they whine about having short hair, it is a complete annoyance and I hope they go home right away. I may be insensitive in that area, though. But seriously, just deal.
My favourite was Anchal- I think I spelled that wrong. Gah. Anyway. She was gorgeous! They really played up how much everyone told her that she was fat and wouldn't make it with that body, though, but she annoyed me because she really did the job of sending herself home. If she had carried herself just a bit differently, with more confidence, I don't think she would've taken any shit from the girls at least about her size. Anyone remember Dee? She's, like, half of Dee's size, and they weren't half that cruel about Dee's weight. I have come into this late, admittedly.
I actually think that Eugena has the prettiest face of the models that are left. Melrose is my pick to win, though. They usually have a clear leader, which makes it more about watching the girls interact than about the competition, but sometimes people do stupid things, so that's always interesting.
I like Carridee, but I don't think she's the winner. They're probably going to send her home next and leave the top three as Melrose, Eugena and Amanda. Hell, maybe Amanda will be their pick, but I kind of doubt it. Yeah, I doubt it a lot.
Oh, and with regards to Tyra? She is absofrickinlutely batshit insane. I just don't find her likeable at all.
Off to watch the Heroes marathon and put off doing my homework! Whee!
I'm done with fall quarter in one week! I'll be home from doing my last final a week from right now! Woohoo!
This website shows what sort of inspired my husband's gift to me. I can't find them anywhere else, but I know I've seen them before. He made it himself, though, and it is perfect.
