I don't want to go to school.
And next quarter I'm going to be whining about how much I miss this quarter.
Actually, I don't miss last quarter. I miss some things about last quarter, but not everything.
I'm feeling the weight of depression settling in on me this weekend, and I'm sort of afraid of falling back into that pit of awfulness. But! I got an awesome card from my switch witch, I'm preparing my switchee's package, and I've been trying Penance's tarts (and others) over the past couple of days. I love my tart burner. So! Goodness in my life:
-I'm very, very much in love with someone who is everything I want and need, all in one person, and I'm able to recognize how rare that is to find, and be awed.
-I'm NOT incapacitated by depression/anxiety. I'm in school, I'm doing things on my own- even things I don't particularly want to do, and I'm learning how to live life. I'm making mistakes, but who doesn't?
-There are these bunnies on my campus, which fill me with utter joy to see, and I tend to see them most every day. They are ADORABLE. I'm not in the midst of a huge metropolis or anything, but it's not exactly rural, either, so they're particularly exciting.
-I finally got a tart warmer thingy! And a ton of tea lights, because who knew they burnt out so quickly? But, yeah. So far I've tried a skindazzles Island Paradise one I got from Hawke last SW round (which was subtle and really, really pretty), Creme Brulee from 4 Fat Cats Wax Works (which I really like but the SO hates, sadly.), Peppercorn from 4FCWW which is amazing and lingers like you wouldn't believe, and I'm melting a Jack Frost from Yankee Candles that Hawke also sent me, and I haven't been out to sniff at the room yet, but I will. It smelled grand in the solid, though!
-I'm trying to teach myself to draw. I actually like some of the images I've sketched so far, which is... unusual. I would never describe myself as artistically talented by ANY stretch of the imagination. I started on the drawing kick as almost a joke, sort of inspired by my switchee (I'll explain once the round is over, in case she somehow stumbles across this), and found out that it was really soothing and I liked doing it overall. The SO has been really supportive.
-I'm changing my name! What's more is that I know what I want it to be, finally. I thought I knew, but when it came time to sign paperwork, it felt really awful. I've been trying to settle on something that's agreeable to both myself and the SO and sounds good with his last name, and I FINALLY found the right one. He brought it up, and it had been one I'd been too uncertain about to voice. I'm really excited about the namechange, anyway.
-Earlier this week, when I came home from school and got out of the car, I looked up at the sky and a thousand bits of cotton from cottonwood trees in the area were floating gently in the wind, and with the sun shining through them against the backdrop of a blue sky, they all looked like fairies, and it was breathtaking and I can't do it justice.
-I did really well on my last english essay. I'm getting more comfortable with the format of the class and with the people in the class. It's really more of a political science class, but as long as he is consistent with his course outline, I'll do well in the class.
-I got to hear the father of Fractals speak. (Which is all I'll say on the matter, because that's the most positive thing I can say about the experience, heh.)
-Despite the agony of giving up on Archaeology, I'm really enjoying the break between my classes. I've never done that before. I'm planning on doing it again in the fall.
-My wedding invitations are done! (They're not sent off yet, and they're not what I wanted them to be, but they're done.) This is cause for much rejoicing.
-I've found stuff for the bridesmaids, flower girls, and other people to wear, and my mother found a dress she loves. I'm excited.
-I've made it through half the quarter.
-I got a postcard from my switch witch today!
-Paris was eliminated from American Idol, and while it's sad for her, she's really the only one I felt deserved to go at this stage.
...Yeah, I'm done. Heh.
I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I have trouble dealing with kindness when I'm going through a rough time. I don't know how to explain it, other than it makes me break down, because it's overwhelming, or something... does that make sense? At any rate, there's a whole heck of a lot of kindness here and as much as I appreciate it, I think I need to sign off for the evening. Love to everyone.
I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure I know why anymore.
I wish I could buy bottles for my switchee. I wish I could buy bottles for myself.
Why are money issues so freakin relentless?
The housemate saga continues: He's still here, and we've been waiting for a sizeable check from his mother. Note: She's a working nurse. She owns her own home. He hasn't had a job since late march. He reneged on his lease, and my mother is responsible for it, as co-signer. My mother is unable to work. She's on government disability. She doesn't get a lot. His mother sent him a check for $25 when he told her he was being evicted from his apartment. And some sweaters. She sent him a check for $225 when he told her his car wasn't working and also needed tags and insurance. He had his own apartment for 4 months. The rest he's lived here- not all of those months were leeching, but the way things even out... he's cost more than he's balanced. I know, I have the power to tell him to leave, and it's my job, and it's bad for my marriage, and everything else. I'm not trying to bitch about him. I'm bitching about his mother. The sizeable check arrived today. When he told me that she said she would send a fair amount, I had visions of $500+. Then he said she was going to send $250. Okay. That'll take care of a few things. No. Not $250. $150.
The crack in my windshield has gotten much bigger and we went to the insurance company today. We have a $100 deductible. So there's another unplanned expense. $100 that we have to borrow. I just wish we had a cushion. I'm terrible with money. But if he sat me down and told me straight out that there would be no more BPAL purchases until we have some money set aside in savings, it'd be so. The problem is that the money always goes for something frivolous anyway, so I figure why not BPAL? Or whatever. And it's not like there's a lot of frivolity. More this month than in a long time, because of school money, but my frivolity is not to be had, thanks to stupid-ass rock trucks with no covering on top of their scary-ass rocks.
I really want to scream and be angry and throw a tantrum. I just don't know who to be angry at.
Odd little project:
I'd like to try scents that don't have a lot of reviews, so I'm going to list some here. (But this is not my wishlist, this is just for my own reference.)
Anathema
Death on a Pale Horse
Les Infortunes de la Vertu
Loralei
Nero
The Black Tower
The Bow and Crown of Conquest
This is SO frustrating. I am having anxiety about going to school tomorrow. WHY? Other than my Lord of the Rings class, there's not a lot of stress there- and even that class is turning into something with potential to be enjoyable... but I digress. And it's late, and I should be asleep.... Guh.
I totally want these socks!
Feeling a little better. Not sleeping like I should be. Still looking for neat and relatively easy patterns to try. Working on the one thing, and now I'm a little worried about how it is going to turn out. Anyway.
I am going to work out next week. If I do not, please thwack me. It is for my own well-being. And, honestly, it'll be good to start early in the quarter instead of waiting to the very last moment.
I'm nervous about school starting, still, but also still excited. I got these super cute pants that are in a size I never want to purchase again, and a few shirts, with the gift cards from our wedding.
It was nice to get out today. I got a few things mailed out and the aforementioned clothes. I didn't get much knitting done, though. This is not good.
I love the song Ladylike, and I can't get it out of my head. I need it for my ride to school.
My witch gave me an awesome mixed cd; it's got David Hasslehoff on it, in German! Plus the black rum song, and Charlotte Church. I love it. And I don't know if my lips are just wierd, but the bonnie bell lip smacker's stuff has made them softer than most things I've tried recently-- which is a lot!
Jarvenpa read my husband's chart for me. It was really quite breathtaking. I like thinking that the stars and the planets are an intrinsic part of our lives.
Back to the subject of school: Re: Art: I'm really worried about it. I don't know if it's just self-doubt or if it's intuitive, but I have this really nagging feeling that I shouldn't be taking it. Then again, I have similar feelings about most of my classes. So, I dunno. I'll see how things unfold next week.
Annnyway. That's it.
Thanks for pointing me in this direction, Fil. The guy called my cell phone today and told me that he wanted to know immediately if the phone line was disconnected, because they're not supposed to do anything to our line while an investigation is pending. Hopefully this will get sorted out soon! Meanwhile, we'll be able to stay online! I should go find the number, just in case. Eep. Anyway, so that's great news! And I know what I want to get for my mom, I just can't get it right now. It'll have to be late, sadly. Ah, well. And I think I need to find some more imps of MLST so I can get her a few in a roller bottle, because I think it would smell fantastic on her.
Anyway! I'm feeling better now that somebody is looking into the situation. I am so freaking pissed at Trinsic, it's not even funny, so I hope they get taken to the woodshed. Or at least get a stern talking to, and we get our phone back.
In other news, I watched part 1 and 2 of the Lost Room, and I'm bummed because I love the premise, and it's almost exactly how I wanted my NaNo to go- the things they needed to find were going to have odd properties, and there are all sorts of directions to take it. I may still use it and draw on the show- it's not like I'm going to be published or anything. (I'm going to flesh out my characters this year and then write out the novel next November. It'll be better!)
Anxiety is high again, can ya tell? My mind is just racing. Okay, gotta go figure out what I'm doing. Take care, dearies. Thank you for your support.
If I were a dessert, I'd be tiramisu... who'm I kidding? I'd be a pint of the best haagen daz.
If I were an alcoholic beverage, I'd be hot buttered rum.
If I were a type of music, I'd be Nightfall, by David Lanz.
If I were a color, I'd be pale blue.
If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate
If I were an animal, I'd be a white tiger.
If I were a story, I'd be emo.
If I were a car, I'd be a toyota.
If I were a poem, I'd be my own.
If I were a bird, I'd be a crane.
If I were a BPAL oil, I'd be Et Lux Fuit.
If I were a country, I'd be India.
If I were a mythological being, I'd be a naiad or meliae (hamadryad of the ash tree)
If I were an article of clothing, I'd be a well worn and loved hoody.
If I were a reptile, I'd be a boomslang, and disappointed that I wasn't chocolatey.
If I were a natural disaster, I'd be a monsoon.
If I were a plant, I'd be a lilac bush.
If I were a planet, I'd be Neptune.
If I were a tree, I'd be a white birch.
If I were an album, I'd be Our Lady Peace, Happiness is Not a Fish
If I were a fabric, I'd be fleece.
If I were a work of art, I'd be a Renoir.
If I were a book, I'd be a fantasy.
If I were an element of human emotion, I'd be hope.
If I were a constellation, I'd be Leo.
If I were a season, I'd be Winter
If I were a flavor, I'd be Chai with milk and honey.
If I were a geographical feature, I'd be a still pond.
If I were a shoe, I'd be a fuzzy slipper.
If I were an M&M, I'd be dark and blue.
If I were a queen, I would have both national tea time and nap time.
If I were a song, I would be an unfinished symphony.
If I were a light source, I would be a scented candle.
If I were a stone, I would be aventurine.
If I were a kind of panty hose, I would be silk stockings.
If I were a movie, I'd be a box office flop, but eventually I'd have a cult following.
If I were a spice, I'd be cardamom.
If I were a cosmetic item, I would be lip balm
If I were a hot drink, I would be homemade cocoa.
If I were a sound I would be discordant.
If I were a famous person in history, I would be Anne Bonny.
If I were a sport, I would be poker.
If I were an actor, I'd be Angelina Jolie.
If I were a musical, I would be the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
If I were a number, I would be 1.
If I were an invention of humankind, I would be air conditioning.
If I were a sexual item, I would be a silk cord. A long one.
If I were an instrument, I'd be a cello.
If i were an element I would be be fire.
Math. Why am I taking precalculus? I have this image of myself and I won't be "smart" if I can't do math, if I don't have a degree, if I'm not good enough. I don't want to drop it, but I don't want to be taking it for no reason at all. Or for no good reason. I mean, is it healthy to take it so I can prove to myself that I am capable of understanding higher math? I feel like I may've really screwed up. Even if I took the second half of precalc this summer, I still wouldn't get the full sequence of calculus unless a. I don't get into the program or b. I sneak in the last one in tandem with the radiology tech program. Neither of those seem like good options. OMG. Somebody tell me to calm the hell down.
My super-secret knitting project? Yeah, it's taking forfreakingever. Am I just excruciatingly slow? I think I might be halfway done with it now, and I've been knitting for a week. How quickly should this be taking shape? Am I going way too slowly, or is this average? ... I think I may go with PM's.
Art
If you heard a noise that sounded much like a sonic boom early monday, that was my anxiety skyrocketing.
Monday was baaaad. Tuesday was better. Wednesday, I suspect, will be even better.
I'm feeling good about my math class and the instructor and the pace. I love my psych instructor and I'm interested in the subject, so that one's a delight. Winter quarter, I'll do 3 classes. I need to conserve my energy for now.
Bed, now.
If I'm ever going to attend a four year school, I'm going to have to take a whole lot more math than just statistics. Do I try and get some of it done next year? Or do I try and keep the focus on the sciences I need for the radiology thing and not spread myself too thin?
I don't know. I'm back in obsessive mode regarding my classes. Obviously.
More:
Ooh! I just went through the new course catalog, and the genetics class I want to take has basic math and science prerequisites, which means I should be able to take it sometime in the next school year. But there's where I run into the problem I was chewing on up above- where do I fit it in?
They've also got several spanish classes that I'm now interested in looking at. (I was essentially forced into taking 3 years of it in high school because it was practical, so I never developed a love for the language, but I think I might be able to do that now.)
More:
How is it that I can obsess so much over future classes and yet be dreading tomorrow so much? There's no reason for it, either. I like all of them. In fact, this is probably my best quarter of instructors, and certainly one of my favourite classes, as far as people in it go. I'm going to fall apart when things start getting really difficult.
Therapy today was fine. It was a getting to know you sort of deal, and I think this lady really knows her stuff. But cautiously. I don't want to get over-excited and then have her be some flake. But it went okay.
I don't have much more to say about it.
Oooh, the boy got me the Perfume book and it arrived today- can't wait to start reading it.
ETA: Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, just to clarify.
I am trying very hard to refrain from writing a wanted post with many inappropriate caps and exclaimation points and question marks, begging for somebody to please swap Persephone to me.
NOTE: Please do not offer to swap or sell Persephone to me until I've bumped the appropriately phrased post in the appropriate area of the forum. This is definitely not a request. I'm just wailing and gnashing my teeth about the unfairness of it all. Hee. (I've barely missed it three times recently. At least.) I know. Poor me.
I think I need to crawl into the land of the sims now.
I hate when people die. And I feel guilty if I haven't spoken to them in a while.
I've been thinking about my friend, Charlie. He died about two years ago. He's been on my mind all week. I cried so hard when I found out.
"I could never commit suicide," he once told me, when I was feeling particularly suicidal. "It goes against my religion. I don't want to go to hell."
I don't believe he's in hell.
I miss him a lot.
Love you, Charlie.
Love to you, Cove and Judy.
I went and got my driver's license info updated yesterday. I realized that my signature looks awkward, even for being left handed and not so good with the neat handwriting in the first place. I need some serious practice.
It feels like a fake ID. (Especially since it's that paper stand-in you get before they send you the fancy plastic) Somebody called me Grace! I updated my social security card, too. Now I need to do billing records and bank account and library card and credit cards and school records... this is a really huge undertaking.
It will be my two year anniversary for having my driver's license on my birthday.
Tomorrow is my one-month wedding anniversary!
Awesome.
I found my imp of Snake Oil yesterday and dabbed a bit on my hand. I remembered that I wasn't too fond of it, but couldn't remember why. I actually thought maybe it was just that my nose wasn't developed enough, or sensitive enough to the scents, but it just doesn't work on me. Why? Patchouli. It's all patchouli, all the time on my skin. And I don't mean that in a good way. It just doesn't work. I don't like it. I have a dear friend who loves patchouli, though, so I'm thinking I'll send it to her.
I found a whole tin of imps that I've been missing. Silk Road and Dragon's Millk are the ones I'm really excited to find. The rest I'm all kinda meh about.
Dude! I'm going to be in art! Just a little over a month to wait. Art, math and psych. Plus fitness! I just need to make sure I'm going to the fitness lab all quarter. I know I've said that for the past two quarters, but I mean it now. Really! I'm going to do it this time. Things will be different.
I'm learning to cook so that we don't have to eat out so often. I was annoyed at spending so much money on meats, and then realized that we spend the equivalent (and often more) on fast food that's so bad for us. So instead of doing my 'stop eating' thing that's 'worked' so well in the past (because he won't let me, mostly.), I'm working on healthy alternatives.
I bought onions today!
Did I brag about my boy's tomatos yet? He planted tomato plants, and they're finally red! They're small, but they taste amazing-- and I'm not a really big fan of tomatoes, generally speaking. Except lately.
I don't know why, but my anxiety is all wonky right now. Like, really badly. And there's sort of not a whole lot of reason for it to be especially high.
On the upside, I'm hoping that the BPAL birthday package my mom ordered me will be arriving within a week or two. (I'm trying to be generous with the time!) I think I will positively love Manhattan! I already know I love Katharina. I'm really excited to find out what my chaos theory smells like, and I think she got me a CD. Xanthe, maybe? Or Gennivre? I know it wasn't the Organ Grinder, because I had some amount of panic about that, and then found a decant of it available. The cool thing about a CD bottle in my hands is that if I love one of my decants more than it, I'll probably be able to swap for whichever bottle I love more.
Is it silly that I get so freakin' excited about frimpage, too? There's usually 2 per bottle, so I could end up with De Sade, Severin, the Jersey Devil, Ladon, Cockaigne, Phobos, Tintagel, and Euphrosyne! Yeah, I know, the middle three probably won't happen, but they might! Really, I'd prefer Les Bijoux over the Jersey Devil.
It's amazing to me that prattling on about BPAL allows me to forget about anxiety. Heh.
How long does it take an inept knitter to knit a scarf? Or 15 scarves?
This website shows what sort of inspired my husband's gift to me. I can't find them anywhere else, but I know I've seen them before. He made it himself, though, and it is perfect.
The deadline for getting your questionnaire to the switch witch account is February 24 at 6:00 PM EST. They're going to try to have assignments out by March 1, and the end of the round will be May 10, with no grace period- essentially, the grace period is included, I'd think. Here's the link to the actual post!
Did I mention my whole math saga yet? I mean, the latest part of it. Just for the record, I don't like doing badly. So sucking in math this quarter has been a huge strain on my anxiety. HUGE. (Learning that I might be able to draw, however, has been priceless.) And I've sucked to the point where I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull a D-, which is a .7. I was pissed at myself when I got a 3.1 out of intro to Anthropology. That's just for comparison, so the sting of this is crystal clear. Monday, my instructor showed us our grades going into the final. Mine was a .5- I could lose my financial aid if I don't get at least a .7. This sucks. SUCKS! So I go in on tuesday, absolutely flattened because there's just no way I can see I'll be able to score high enough on the final to pull a .7; no way. She comes over again and goes, "Oh, I was mistaken. THIS is actually what you have right now." And points to a 1.7. Uh, that's quite a change. It also puts me into range for pulling a 2.0, which is what I need to move past college level algebra. Most importantly, it is NOT a .5!! Holy shit.
So now I don't want to screw up my grade. I want to do well on the final, and I have no idea if I can do that or not. I'm not prepared. I know I'm going to be taking it over again, but... it'd be nice to do it because I want to, not because I have to. Y'know?
I need to go see a movie this weekend. I just don't have time. My future in laws will be here next week- I'm really excited to see them. They're fantastic. We're going to have to clean a LOT before they get here, though. A LOT. I also need to see about getting my nails done, figure out what is going to be done with my hair, and figure out if we're going to have 100 guests or 10. So, the wedding will be here in a week- yay! bounce, bounce, bounce- it's finally heeeeeere!
Next up? The divorce. Not mine- my parents. Yeah, apparently my mother isn't going to do it after all. It's this whole big thing. BUT. She might be moving into our very small place. Our very small place with two cats and a housemate already... and she may bring her cat, too... I don't know. I don't have the energy to deal. My brain is fried. And I'm so freaked out about my dress... I'm really hoping it's here on monday.
With rabid support from my friends and family, I've sort of discovered that I have potential to learn to be an artist. I don't have technique yet, but I think I could do really well with it eventually. This is hilarious to me, because I've always thought of myself as the least artistic person in the room- can't draw a straight line to save my soul, and my stick figures come out malformed, and nothing looks the way it should- but even more, I had SUCH a horrible experience with my intro to art class I took last fall- My instructor was AWFUL. Like, really mean. Coated in sugar, but just always so negative. I almost wrote a letter to the dean about her, actually. Some of the things she did were highly offensive.
So anyway. Instead of rushing through math and science to prepare for the radiology program, I can take some art classes and other things that interest me- like foreign language, for instance- and see how I'm doing next year at this time.
I'll be married! And with a brand new name! I can't wait to change my name. I'm doing my full name, after we are married.
It's crunch time. I only just mailed off a vast majority of the invitations: Yeah, we're closing in on a month until the day. I'm so unprepared. I'm so very excited. I'm so extremely lucky... and now I'm off to bed.
