I think I just figured out a note I love! Finally! I mean, I know there are blends that work well on me, but I've never been able to really truly single out a note... and that note is white musk. I tested Katharina just now, and it was a little sharp going on, but then I noticed that it has white musk in it, and so does Whitechapel, so I figured that maybe it would dry down differently on me- and half an hour later, it smells fantastic. It's the same musk- I can actually pick it out. That is freaking awesome.
I need to lose weight. This is not an epiphany, obviously (the white musk thing was the epiphany). It's just... incredibly important to me. I was explaining this to one of my bridesmaids earlier this week. I want to go out with my husband, and have people look at us and think: "What is that girl doing with that guy?" Here's why: I think he deserves that. I want to make people sit up and take notice of him.
Please don't take that to mean I'm putting down his appearance; I'm very attracted to him. I just know that he doesn't have the physical appearance to match his heart- and trust me, if his phsyical appearance really did correspond to his heart, angels would weep and traffic would stop and there would be no more war and he'd be able to turn tap water into Shub Niggurath (the BPAL blend, not the Lovecraftian critter, because that would be seriously freaky- can you imagine? He'd have to get special glasses or something, because otherwise he'd unleash this terror onto the world... but yeah, getting off the subject here...) with a piercing glance and.... yeah. All that stuff.
He's that special. He deserves someone fantastic.
I found my imp of Snake Oil yesterday and dabbed a bit on my hand. I remembered that I wasn't too fond of it, but couldn't remember why. I actually thought maybe it was just that my nose wasn't developed enough, or sensitive enough to the scents, but it just doesn't work on me. Why? Patchouli. It's all patchouli, all the time on my skin. And I don't mean that in a good way. It just doesn't work. I don't like it. I have a dear friend who loves patchouli, though, so I'm thinking I'll send it to her.
I found a whole tin of imps that I've been missing. Silk Road and Dragon's Millk are the ones I'm really excited to find. The rest I'm all kinda meh about.
Dude! I'm going to be in art! Just a little over a month to wait. Art, math and psych. Plus fitness! I just need to make sure I'm going to the fitness lab all quarter. I know I've said that for the past two quarters, but I mean it now. Really! I'm going to do it this time. Things will be different.
I'm learning to cook so that we don't have to eat out so often. I was annoyed at spending so much money on meats, and then realized that we spend the equivalent (and often more) on fast food that's so bad for us. So instead of doing my 'stop eating' thing that's 'worked' so well in the past (because he won't let me, mostly.), I'm working on healthy alternatives.
I bought onions today!
Did I brag about my boy's tomatos yet? He planted tomato plants, and they're finally red! They're small, but they taste amazing-- and I'm not a really big fan of tomatoes, generally speaking. Except lately.
My super-secret knitting project? Yeah, it's taking forfreakingever. Am I just excruciatingly slow? I think I might be halfway done with it now, and I've been knitting for a week. How quickly should this be taking shape? Am I going way too slowly, or is this average? ... I think I may go with PM's.
I don't want to go to school.
And next quarter I'm going to be whining about how much I miss this quarter.
Actually, I don't miss last quarter. I miss some things about last quarter, but not everything.
I think I've figured it out. I sold the two bottles I had up for swap. If I can choose between Dorian and Alice, I'll make a big (for me!) order now and then snag one or maybe even two CD scents. Possibly a set of decants. Possibly a few decants eventually. If there are 13 scents, that's $65. Cripes. I don't know why that surprised me so much, heh. (I'm guessing about the 13 scents.) So I'll grab decants of whichever ones interest me most and then... gah. What about the BPTP update? The one it was insinuated/suggested would be a lot like the inquisition... That's what is keeping me back now.
Ugh. I'm just driving myself nuts.
An observation about shipping prices: It usually more than pays for itself in frimpage. That's kind of cool.
I have size 15 needles that I was going to knit a scarf with, but I think I'll go back to the size 9 set. I sort of want a pretty scarf that's really easy, but I haven't had luck finding any good patterns. Any thoughts would be welcomed gratefully.
I also want to do a small coinpurse, but I think I may just wing that one.
I think I need circular needles! They seem to be necessary for -everything- cute. Dude! I also need to pick up a tote bag for knitting stuff.
Anxiety is high but I'm doing reasonably well. I found the new address of the site I mentioned last night and I still recognize a lot of names.
I really am going to have to get rid of my cat.
I'm trying to keep my mind off the impending seperation by testing BPAL oils.
Tavern of Hell: Not me at all. It is unusual, but there's this odd musky scent that actually turns my stomach. Even on drydown, it's still there in the background. It's possible this might even out to something lovely, but there are other scents I love more from start to finish. I think it might be the ambergris that I dislike.
Tweedledee: This, in the imp, smells just like the imp of Kunstkammer I had that loved me. It's like a slightly melted orange popsicle with a splash of iced tea and the spice of the pepper gives this added depth. I really like this one.
Severin: I have tried this a couple of times. It smells light and fresh in the imp, but once it hits my skin, it is GONE. I can't smell it past 15 minutes. Strange.
Yeah. I don't know what to do with myself, because this isn't working.
Me= -6lbs
Birthday= ipod knockoff, WoW boardgame (...I don't know), book store gift certificate, a bptp scent locket (!), Singing Moon tee and possibly an Arkham tee... and a membership to a local gym. Henceforth it'll be about $75 a month for both of us, but it's an important investment. (I'm way more excited than I sound, seriously. This is a really spectacular birthday for me.) This year's scent: Morocco, completely by chance. It was just on my desk, and a lovely surprise- the notes shouldn't be pretty on me.
Switch Witchery= The universe hated me (or my switchee) this round. My witch is wonderful, as per usual. Really delightful tea and I ADORE the loose tea filter. It's awesomeness.
Life= Joined a weight loss support type group; TOPS. Personal weigh-ins weekly sans humiliation. You say if you've gained or lost and how much and people applaud or encourage as necessary. Then there's other stuff. It's a bunch of little old ladies with silver hair and good stories. Baby shower for a friend in about an hour.
Out.
One of my favourite movies is about quantum physics. It's one of those mid-level films that a lot of people heard about and then promptly forgot. What the Bleep do we Know? There are little touches to the movie that I love-- glimpsing herself, the crazy mad scientist looking guy, and of course the water.
What we believe creates our own reality, says the movie.
It's also impacted by collective belief; we are not islands.
So, yeah. I totally believe that I'm filthy rich and unchanged by money and seriously, no monkey's paw clauses. That shit freaks me right out.
I'm honestly trying to change my view of myself, though. It has to start small, or it won't work with me. I have to really convince myself.
Not that I'm wealthy or that I can fly or anything; just that I can deal with life better and respond to the needs of people around me without losing who I am.
Anyway. Enough quantum physics.
We had therapy today. Things need to change, but the ways we can go about making those changes are limited. Suggesting hospitalization is all well and good, but we checked that option out months ago. Hopefully having the therapist as an advocate in the matter will open some doors, but there's a lot of red tape. We're having to retrace the steps we took months ago, and that's frustrating, because none of those steps helped at the time.
It's absurd to suggest that he start the process of moving out onto his own. He's barely existing with us prodding him to take a freaking shower. Put him into a situation where he's alone, and it's just going to end badly. Not to mention he doesn't even have a job, his credit is shot, and he's not particularly interested in finding a job. So unless we're talking about him moving out to live under the bridge, it's not viable.
So what is viable? If those two things are out, what next?
I wish I knew.
This doesn't really warrant its own entry, but it's my blog! So it's getting its own entry!
I love the word 'gobsmacked' and I'm not quite sure why. It's so much more evocative than shocked or astounded, even. It's like a perfect sound to represent the feeling.
Did I mention I've been a little dizzy?
I don't know why, but my anxiety is all wonky right now. Like, really badly. And there's sort of not a whole lot of reason for it to be especially high.
On the upside, I'm hoping that the BPAL birthday package my mom ordered me will be arriving within a week or two. (I'm trying to be generous with the time!) I think I will positively love Manhattan! I already know I love Katharina. I'm really excited to find out what my chaos theory smells like, and I think she got me a CD. Xanthe, maybe? Or Gennivre? I know it wasn't the Organ Grinder, because I had some amount of panic about that, and then found a decant of it available. The cool thing about a CD bottle in my hands is that if I love one of my decants more than it, I'll probably be able to swap for whichever bottle I love more.
Is it silly that I get so freakin' excited about frimpage, too? There's usually 2 per bottle, so I could end up with De Sade, Severin, the Jersey Devil, Ladon, Cockaigne, Phobos, Tintagel, and Euphrosyne! Yeah, I know, the middle three probably won't happen, but they might! Really, I'd prefer Les Bijoux over the Jersey Devil.
It's amazing to me that prattling on about BPAL allows me to forget about anxiety. Heh.
How long does it take an inept knitter to knit a scarf? Or 15 scarves?
Art
If you heard a noise that sounded much like a sonic boom early monday, that was my anxiety skyrocketing.
Monday was baaaad. Tuesday was better. Wednesday, I suspect, will be even better.
I'm feeling good about my math class and the instructor and the pace. I love my psych instructor and I'm interested in the subject, so that one's a delight. Winter quarter, I'll do 3 classes. I need to conserve my energy for now.
Bed, now.
I know I need to work out more. I do. I've seen the wedding photos, and I want to be healthy. I need to be healthy.
Here's the thing. This is week 7 of 12 in the quarter. I have 6 hours logged- which is better than I've done in the past, for sure! But instead of needing 14 hours, I need 25. Here's the other thing: The lab will be open the week of Thanksgiving, but we don't get credit for working out that week. Whahuh?? And I don't think we can work out week 12, though I might be wrong. So I need 19 more hours. I kind of want them done before Thanksgiving... so I'm going to be going in every day this week and working out the full 90 minutes, instead of an hour as I've been doing. (I can only get credit for the first 90 minutes I work out per day.)
So if I work out for 90 minutes for the next 5 days that'll be an additional 7.5 hours, for a total of 13.5 hours. Then, week 8, I'll do all 6 days for another 9 hours will be 22.5... Which means I'll have 2.5 hours for week 9. Bwahaha! It's a pipe dream, to be sure. But it'd be nice to just get it out of the way.
I'm not pregnant!
I almost wrote a post here last night that I thought I was pregnant, because I was having huge anxiety over it, but then I freaked out about how saying it might help it to be real or whatever. Anyway, I'm not. Hooray!
I hurt my neck today somehow. It is not comfortable. I think I'm going to try and sleep now, though. Just wanted to share the good news!
If I were a dessert, I'd be tiramisu... who'm I kidding? I'd be a pint of the best haagen daz.
If I were an alcoholic beverage, I'd be hot buttered rum.
If I were a type of music, I'd be Nightfall, by David Lanz.
If I were a color, I'd be pale blue.
If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate
If I were an animal, I'd be a white tiger.
If I were a story, I'd be emo.
If I were a car, I'd be a toyota.
If I were a poem, I'd be my own.
If I were a bird, I'd be a crane.
If I were a BPAL oil, I'd be Et Lux Fuit.
If I were a country, I'd be India.
If I were a mythological being, I'd be a naiad or meliae (hamadryad of the ash tree)
If I were an article of clothing, I'd be a well worn and loved hoody.
If I were a reptile, I'd be a boomslang, and disappointed that I wasn't chocolatey.
If I were a natural disaster, I'd be a monsoon.
If I were a plant, I'd be a lilac bush.
If I were a planet, I'd be Neptune.
If I were a tree, I'd be a white birch.
If I were an album, I'd be Our Lady Peace, Happiness is Not a Fish
If I were a fabric, I'd be fleece.
If I were a work of art, I'd be a Renoir.
If I were a book, I'd be a fantasy.
If I were an element of human emotion, I'd be hope.
If I were a constellation, I'd be Leo.
If I were a season, I'd be Winter
If I were a flavor, I'd be Chai with milk and honey.
If I were a geographical feature, I'd be a still pond.
If I were a shoe, I'd be a fuzzy slipper.
If I were an M&M, I'd be dark and blue.
If I were a queen, I would have both national tea time and nap time.
If I were a song, I would be an unfinished symphony.
If I were a light source, I would be a scented candle.
If I were a stone, I would be aventurine.
If I were a kind of panty hose, I would be silk stockings.
If I were a movie, I'd be a box office flop, but eventually I'd have a cult following.
If I were a spice, I'd be cardamom.
If I were a cosmetic item, I would be lip balm
If I were a hot drink, I would be homemade cocoa.
If I were a sound I would be discordant.
If I were a famous person in history, I would be Anne Bonny.
If I were a sport, I would be poker.
If I were an actor, I'd be Angelina Jolie.
If I were a musical, I would be the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
If I were a number, I would be 1.
If I were an invention of humankind, I would be air conditioning.
If I were a sexual item, I would be a silk cord. A long one.
If I were an instrument, I'd be a cello.
If i were an element I would be be fire.
Ten days! I'm going to be married in just ten days! That's unbelievable. I'm so excited. Despite the fact that I don't have shoes. And our rings aren't here yet. And my dress probably won't be here for about a week. ...
Anyway, we got the marriage license today. Fun stuff. It makes it all so much more real. Guh, it's going to be such a hassle to change my name. I hope it all goes smoothly. Now I'm starting to get really nervous.
He called his mother, asked her for money to get his car fixed so he can get home, and she is sending it. She asked to speak to me. She was in tears- worried sick that he might hurt himself instead of going home. I promised her I would keep a lookout and let her know if anything happened. She said they were thrilled to have him back, but she knows how much it hurts him.
She left her home phone number and her cell phone number. I do plan on calling her and speaking with her about him. If she really wants to help him, I can point her in the right direction. I also want to know if she knows the magnitude of his debt up here, both personal debt and public. She didn't come across as the cold hearted bitch he's been portraying her as, but I'm not convinced he was lying about that, simply because my father can put on a good show when he feels like it. Still, it seems fishy. A lot of it does.
This is a bad week to do this. He has a week to get the money from her, and then a week to get his car repaired. Otherwise, we buy him a bus ticket and off he goes. At this point, it's a small price to pay.
But next monday is my big midterm in psychology. I get my math work done at school, and I've been really working hard on it. Difference of trinomials was where I got completely lost last quarter, and I have those suckers down pretty well. However, I've been doing really poorly in psychology. And today I think I guiltily realized that I'm a little bored with this particular instructor. I love him to pieces, but it's a format that's been repeated three times now. I'm still planning on taking archaeology in the spring, but I think I'll give the social sciences a break winter quarter.
Okay. Feeling better. Compartmentalizing stuff is a useful thing sometimes.
Quick post- more to come
51
Alice
Arkham
Bengal
Black Opal
Dorian
Jailbait
Katharina
The Lion
Mouse's Long and Sad Tale
Persephone
Queen of Sheba
Whitechapel
LE:
Asp Viper
Beaver Moon
Boomslang
Et Lux Fuit
Green Tree Viper
Hungry Ghost Moon
Lotus Moon
Pink Moon '05
Punkie Night
Snow-Flakes
I'm upset with my husband and I'm upset with myself. My bank account is in the negative, and my husband just spent $60 that could have easily been avoided. He was too proud to do anything about it, and I wasn't bold enough. I feel. . . sucky.
The deadline for getting your questionnaire to the switch witch account is February 24 at 6:00 PM EST. They're going to try to have assignments out by March 1, and the end of the round will be May 10, with no grace period- essentially, the grace period is included, I'd think. Here's the link to the actual post!
I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that there was no drama today, save me losing my schedule and finding it shortly thereafter. I'm kind of afraid. I sort of like all of my classes and feel comfortable- they're not necessarily going to be particularly "fun", but that's okay.
I tentatively like my instructors. I think I may keep this schedule. Yeah, that's all.
So my mom and I are a member of the organization TOPS, which is for weight loss. Since she joined in March of last year, she has lost approximately 130 lbs. There was a regional meet up in October, which my mom attended, because our chapter's leader said she'd entered all our numbers into the contest, and it was likely my mom would gain some recognition. The leader had lied, however, and had not submitted the paperwork. She'd filled it out and brought it with her. Dumbass. But every year, the organization recognizes someone on a national level. Each state crowns a king and/or queen, and then several of them are published in the monthly magazine. Now, the new year is pretty hard to miss. I would think that the paperwork would be well and truly filled out and ready to go by then. No. The woman calls ME to find out if I have my mother's membership information, and crap that she should have already, and I swear that if this woman fucks this up for my mom, I will tell her exactly how I feel about the situation (during a meeting), and then see if anyone else is okay with this turn of events, and then walk out. I'll find another damn chapter to attend. Screw them. And then I'll write a detailed letter to the national organization and hope for the best.
Also, this seemed too petty to start a new topic over, and I'm no longer reading the confessional or the how are you feeling threads. I'm really bummed out about my local used bookstore that I've been going to since they piled everything into one small room. They've expanded, and have recently gotten a lot of new staff members. So I was in there the other day, and I asked one of them about Richelle Mead. I suppose I've been spoiled by the owner, who can cite titles based off a description of a cover, and list authors like woah... and even if she doesn't know, she'll go look herself, and check the computer. Nice things, right? But this woman asked me what genre she was, and I explained that it was paranormal, but it might be paranormal romance and she was like, "Ohhh. Well, I don't really know a lot about that genre, but the name doesn't ring a bell." Chompchompchompthegum. Uh, okay. Thanks for the help. I couldn't find her book anywhere, but that doesn't mean they didn't have it.
That's kinda okay- she might've been really busy with other things or something, but here's what really makes me mad. While I'm looking for Succubus Blues, I overhear her talking to another customer, and she's saying, " ... I don't really read paranormal stuff, but she's really good- I read a little bit of that book and really liked it." That's compelling. So the customer asks if they have it in used, and the woman immediately says, "Oh, no. We NEVER get anything back by her. Everybody loves her." And I'm like, "Bullshit." Seriously. Not aloud, of course. So I walk past the customer and glance over and see that she's looking at a Patricia Briggs book, and I roll my eyes, because my mom is a huuuge fan of that woman and buys the used books all the time. So I take the time to walk the ten feet to the shelf, and sure enough, the book is there, in used. So I go up and ask the customer if she had been looking at Moon Called, and she said she had. So I raise my voice ever so slightly and say, "Well, they've got it in used." So she asks if I'm going to buy it and I'm like, "Nope, please have at it." I get that you might want to be selling new over used, but that shit is only going to piss people off. People like me. The owner, however, will go out of her way to see if they have a used copy of something- I've been at the register, and she's asked me if I want it used and then pulled a used copy for me, because I'll always take used books.
That makes me sad.
