One of my favourite movies is about quantum physics. It's one of those mid-level films that a lot of people heard about and then promptly forgot. What the Bleep do we Know? There are little touches to the movie that I love-- glimpsing herself, the crazy mad scientist looking guy, and of course the water.
What we believe creates our own reality, says the movie.
It's also impacted by collective belief; we are not islands.
So, yeah. I totally believe that I'm filthy rich and unchanged by money and seriously, no monkey's paw clauses. That shit freaks me right out.
I'm honestly trying to change my view of myself, though. It has to start small, or it won't work with me. I have to really convince myself.
Not that I'm wealthy or that I can fly or anything; just that I can deal with life better and respond to the needs of people around me without losing who I am.
Anyway. Enough quantum physics.
We had therapy today. Things need to change, but the ways we can go about making those changes are limited. Suggesting hospitalization is all well and good, but we checked that option out months ago. Hopefully having the therapist as an advocate in the matter will open some doors, but there's a lot of red tape. We're having to retrace the steps we took months ago, and that's frustrating, because none of those steps helped at the time.
It's absurd to suggest that he start the process of moving out onto his own. He's barely existing with us prodding him to take a freaking shower. Put him into a situation where he's alone, and it's just going to end badly. Not to mention he doesn't even have a job, his credit is shot, and he's not particularly interested in finding a job. So unless we're talking about him moving out to live under the bridge, it's not viable.
So what is viable? If those two things are out, what next?
I wish I knew.
I want to get a job to support my BPAL habit. . . and that's probably the worst reason for wanting to get a job.
I know I've mentioned anxiety in the past, but it's really, really bad. Paired with depression, it caused me to have several years that are mostly a blur of misery to me. I sort of crawled into myself and gave up. It's a whole big long sad story that I'm not up to rehashing at the moment, but it resulted in me applying and receiving disability from social security. I really just didn't have it in me to hold down a job. At that point, I was lucky to care enough to brush my teeth. I haven't worked in seven years. Getting a job would be spreading myself too thin, combined with school. I know most people can do both, but I'm just not that strong. It's frustrating, but I'm getting my feet under me.
I'm sorely tempted to look for a job right now. Sorely. And I know I'm not ready. But I'm tired of having to budget every penny and I'm tired of feeling guilty for buying perfume, and I'm generally grouchy right now.
I'm excited that I'm getting Katharina, though! (My husband's still unhappy about it, which makes me tense.)
I am tired, tired, tired. And I'm in need of brushing of teeth and snuggling with the boy.
'Night, chickies.
I'm still musing over my star chart reading. I've decided to stick with art (as I mentioned previously) to try and develop that talent. I hope it turns out well. I know there are other venues of opportunity, but I've always thought it would be wonderful to be able to create art.
If art doesn't fit, I'll pursue writing-- which I think I also mentioned. I'm also going to throw myself into fitness this quarter. The reading said something about body movement being important, and that feels right. I'm wondering if that has to do with my growing interest in yoga. I hope it's offered next summer. 5 days a week! That would be marvellous. Exhausting, because it's still a 7am class, but fantastic.
I'm going to need to take some literature classes, and history. I love school. I'm so glad I get to go back!
I really need to make sure I have the focus to succeed this quarter.
I wish I could buy bottles for my switchee. I wish I could buy bottles for myself.
Why are money issues so freakin relentless?
The housemate saga continues: He's still here, and we've been waiting for a sizeable check from his mother. Note: She's a working nurse. She owns her own home. He hasn't had a job since late march. He reneged on his lease, and my mother is responsible for it, as co-signer. My mother is unable to work. She's on government disability. She doesn't get a lot. His mother sent him a check for $25 when he told her he was being evicted from his apartment. And some sweaters. She sent him a check for $225 when he told her his car wasn't working and also needed tags and insurance. He had his own apartment for 4 months. The rest he's lived here- not all of those months were leeching, but the way things even out... he's cost more than he's balanced. I know, I have the power to tell him to leave, and it's my job, and it's bad for my marriage, and everything else. I'm not trying to bitch about him. I'm bitching about his mother. The sizeable check arrived today. When he told me that she said she would send a fair amount, I had visions of $500+. Then he said she was going to send $250. Okay. That'll take care of a few things. No. Not $250. $150.
The crack in my windshield has gotten much bigger and we went to the insurance company today. We have a $100 deductible. So there's another unplanned expense. $100 that we have to borrow. I just wish we had a cushion. I'm terrible with money. But if he sat me down and told me straight out that there would be no more BPAL purchases until we have some money set aside in savings, it'd be so. The problem is that the money always goes for something frivolous anyway, so I figure why not BPAL? Or whatever. And it's not like there's a lot of frivolity. More this month than in a long time, because of school money, but my frivolity is not to be had, thanks to stupid-ass rock trucks with no covering on top of their scary-ass rocks.
I really want to scream and be angry and throw a tantrum. I just don't know who to be angry at.
I am still undecided. I want this quarter to be a really good one! I don't want to regret not taking precalc. Um. That's about it. Hope you're all doing well!
I'm feeling the weight of depression settling in on me this weekend, and I'm sort of afraid of falling back into that pit of awfulness. But! I got an awesome card from my switch witch, I'm preparing my switchee's package, and I've been trying Penance's tarts (and others) over the past couple of days. I love my tart burner. So! Goodness in my life:
-I'm very, very much in love with someone who is everything I want and need, all in one person, and I'm able to recognize how rare that is to find, and be awed.
-I'm NOT incapacitated by depression/anxiety. I'm in school, I'm doing things on my own- even things I don't particularly want to do, and I'm learning how to live life. I'm making mistakes, but who doesn't?
-There are these bunnies on my campus, which fill me with utter joy to see, and I tend to see them most every day. They are ADORABLE. I'm not in the midst of a huge metropolis or anything, but it's not exactly rural, either, so they're particularly exciting.
-I finally got a tart warmer thingy! And a ton of tea lights, because who knew they burnt out so quickly? But, yeah. So far I've tried a skindazzles Island Paradise one I got from Hawke last SW round (which was subtle and really, really pretty), Creme Brulee from 4 Fat Cats Wax Works (which I really like but the SO hates, sadly.), Peppercorn from 4FCWW which is amazing and lingers like you wouldn't believe, and I'm melting a Jack Frost from Yankee Candles that Hawke also sent me, and I haven't been out to sniff at the room yet, but I will. It smelled grand in the solid, though!
-I'm trying to teach myself to draw. I actually like some of the images I've sketched so far, which is... unusual. I would never describe myself as artistically talented by ANY stretch of the imagination. I started on the drawing kick as almost a joke, sort of inspired by my switchee (I'll explain once the round is over, in case she somehow stumbles across this), and found out that it was really soothing and I liked doing it overall. The SO has been really supportive.
-I'm changing my name! What's more is that I know what I want it to be, finally. I thought I knew, but when it came time to sign paperwork, it felt really awful. I've been trying to settle on something that's agreeable to both myself and the SO and sounds good with his last name, and I FINALLY found the right one. He brought it up, and it had been one I'd been too uncertain about to voice. I'm really excited about the namechange, anyway.
-Earlier this week, when I came home from school and got out of the car, I looked up at the sky and a thousand bits of cotton from cottonwood trees in the area were floating gently in the wind, and with the sun shining through them against the backdrop of a blue sky, they all looked like fairies, and it was breathtaking and I can't do it justice.
-I did really well on my last english essay. I'm getting more comfortable with the format of the class and with the people in the class. It's really more of a political science class, but as long as he is consistent with his course outline, I'll do well in the class.
-I got to hear the father of Fractals speak. (Which is all I'll say on the matter, because that's the most positive thing I can say about the experience, heh.)
-Despite the agony of giving up on Archaeology, I'm really enjoying the break between my classes. I've never done that before. I'm planning on doing it again in the fall.
-My wedding invitations are done! (They're not sent off yet, and they're not what I wanted them to be, but they're done.) This is cause for much rejoicing.
-I've found stuff for the bridesmaids, flower girls, and other people to wear, and my mother found a dress she loves. I'm excited.
-I've made it through half the quarter.
-I got a postcard from my switch witch today!
-Paris was eliminated from American Idol, and while it's sad for her, she's really the only one I felt deserved to go at this stage.
...Yeah, I'm done. Heh.
I think I've figured it out. I sold the two bottles I had up for swap. If I can choose between Dorian and Alice, I'll make a big (for me!) order now and then snag one or maybe even two CD scents. Possibly a set of decants. Possibly a few decants eventually. If there are 13 scents, that's $65. Cripes. I don't know why that surprised me so much, heh. (I'm guessing about the 13 scents.) So I'll grab decants of whichever ones interest me most and then... gah. What about the BPTP update? The one it was insinuated/suggested would be a lot like the inquisition... That's what is keeping me back now.
Ugh. I'm just driving myself nuts.
An observation about shipping prices: It usually more than pays for itself in frimpage. That's kind of cool.
I don't want to go to school.
And next quarter I'm going to be whining about how much I miss this quarter.
Actually, I don't miss last quarter. I miss some things about last quarter, but not everything.
Is Chinese musk the same as white musk? I've seen it used several times and wasn't sure. So these are white musks, golden musks, and musks of indeterminate color.
Dragon's Musk (with 5, one is bound to be white!)
Aeval (I didn't like this one the first time, but white musk warrants a re-try)
Black Pearl
Fae
Lampades (sensual musk could be white)
Lurid
Ode on Melancholy
Zephyr
Death on a Pale Horse
The Bow and Crown of Conquest
The Great Sword of War (Yeah, it's red musk, but it sounds so perfect.)
Bluebeard (I'm pretty sure I tried and disliked this one)
Imp (not white musk, but golden musk sounds so lovely!)
Kitsune-tsuki
Kuang Shi
Villain (citrus musk)
Grandmother of Ghosts
Pietho (warm musk probably isn't white, but it sounds pretty)
Queen Mab (Chinese musk)
Thanatopsis (pine, juniper and musk... yeah, those first two scare me. This is way low on my list.)
Cordelia (Chinese musk- this has all my favourite things in it.)
Juliet
Oberon (orchid too!)
Endymion (tried once already)
Psyche
Vicomte de Valmont
Berenice (if I can find some!)
Usher (as above)
Mantis (golden again, but sounds lovely)
Fallen (golden musk)
Aglaea (musk type isn't specified [except 'bright'], but sounds like it could be white)
Euterpe
Urania
Zorya
Bengal (skin musk)
I think that's all, for now!
I totally want these socks!
Feeling a little better. Not sleeping like I should be. Still looking for neat and relatively easy patterns to try. Working on the one thing, and now I'm a little worried about how it is going to turn out. Anyway.
I am going to work out next week. If I do not, please thwack me. It is for my own well-being. And, honestly, it'll be good to start early in the quarter instead of waiting to the very last moment.
I'm nervous about school starting, still, but also still excited. I got these super cute pants that are in a size I never want to purchase again, and a few shirts, with the gift cards from our wedding.
It was nice to get out today. I got a few things mailed out and the aforementioned clothes. I didn't get much knitting done, though. This is not good.
I love the song Ladylike, and I can't get it out of my head. I need it for my ride to school.
My witch gave me an awesome mixed cd; it's got David Hasslehoff on it, in German! Plus the black rum song, and Charlotte Church. I love it. And I don't know if my lips are just wierd, but the bonnie bell lip smacker's stuff has made them softer than most things I've tried recently-- which is a lot!
Jarvenpa read my husband's chart for me. It was really quite breathtaking. I like thinking that the stars and the planets are an intrinsic part of our lives.
Back to the subject of school: Re: Art: I'm really worried about it. I don't know if it's just self-doubt or if it's intuitive, but I have this really nagging feeling that I shouldn't be taking it. Then again, I have similar feelings about most of my classes. So, I dunno. I'll see how things unfold next week.
Annnyway. That's it.
Math. Why am I taking precalculus? I have this image of myself and I won't be "smart" if I can't do math, if I don't have a degree, if I'm not good enough. I don't want to drop it, but I don't want to be taking it for no reason at all. Or for no good reason. I mean, is it healthy to take it so I can prove to myself that I am capable of understanding higher math? I feel like I may've really screwed up. Even if I took the second half of precalc this summer, I still wouldn't get the full sequence of calculus unless a. I don't get into the program or b. I sneak in the last one in tandem with the radiology tech program. Neither of those seem like good options. OMG. Somebody tell me to calm the hell down.
My super-secret knitting project? Yeah, it's taking forfreakingever. Am I just excruciatingly slow? I think I might be halfway done with it now, and I've been knitting for a week. How quickly should this be taking shape? Am I going way too slowly, or is this average? ... I think I may go with PM's.
I really am going to have to get rid of my cat.
I'm trying to keep my mind off the impending seperation by testing BPAL oils.
Tavern of Hell: Not me at all. It is unusual, but there's this odd musky scent that actually turns my stomach. Even on drydown, it's still there in the background. It's possible this might even out to something lovely, but there are other scents I love more from start to finish. I think it might be the ambergris that I dislike.
Tweedledee: This, in the imp, smells just like the imp of Kunstkammer I had that loved me. It's like a slightly melted orange popsicle with a splash of iced tea and the spice of the pepper gives this added depth. I really like this one.
Severin: I have tried this a couple of times. It smells light and fresh in the imp, but once it hits my skin, it is GONE. I can't smell it past 15 minutes. Strange.
Yeah. I don't know what to do with myself, because this isn't working.
If I were a dessert, I'd be tiramisu... who'm I kidding? I'd be a pint of the best haagen daz.
If I were an alcoholic beverage, I'd be hot buttered rum.
If I were a type of music, I'd be Nightfall, by David Lanz.
If I were a color, I'd be pale blue.
If I were a fruit, I'd be a pomegranate
If I were an animal, I'd be a white tiger.
If I were a story, I'd be emo.
If I were a car, I'd be a toyota.
If I were a poem, I'd be my own.
If I were a bird, I'd be a crane.
If I were a BPAL oil, I'd be Et Lux Fuit.
If I were a country, I'd be India.
If I were a mythological being, I'd be a naiad or meliae (hamadryad of the ash tree)
If I were an article of clothing, I'd be a well worn and loved hoody.
If I were a reptile, I'd be a boomslang, and disappointed that I wasn't chocolatey.
If I were a natural disaster, I'd be a monsoon.
If I were a plant, I'd be a lilac bush.
If I were a planet, I'd be Neptune.
If I were a tree, I'd be a white birch.
If I were an album, I'd be Our Lady Peace, Happiness is Not a Fish
If I were a fabric, I'd be fleece.
If I were a work of art, I'd be a Renoir.
If I were a book, I'd be a fantasy.
If I were an element of human emotion, I'd be hope.
If I were a constellation, I'd be Leo.
If I were a season, I'd be Winter
If I were a flavor, I'd be Chai with milk and honey.
If I were a geographical feature, I'd be a still pond.
If I were a shoe, I'd be a fuzzy slipper.
If I were an M&M, I'd be dark and blue.
If I were a queen, I would have both national tea time and nap time.
If I were a song, I would be an unfinished symphony.
If I were a light source, I would be a scented candle.
If I were a stone, I would be aventurine.
If I were a kind of panty hose, I would be silk stockings.
If I were a movie, I'd be a box office flop, but eventually I'd have a cult following.
If I were a spice, I'd be cardamom.
If I were a cosmetic item, I would be lip balm
If I were a hot drink, I would be homemade cocoa.
If I were a sound I would be discordant.
If I were a famous person in history, I would be Anne Bonny.
If I were a sport, I would be poker.
If I were an actor, I'd be Angelina Jolie.
If I were a musical, I would be the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
If I were a number, I would be 1.
If I were an invention of humankind, I would be air conditioning.
If I were a sexual item, I would be a silk cord. A long one.
If I were an instrument, I'd be a cello.
If i were an element I would be be fire.
I signed up for the design class. It's my first class of the day! And then I have math! And then a break! And only then do I have my favourite instructor! This feels scary. Not to mention that I don't actually have any financial aid at the moment. All my classes are way far away from each other, too! Okay, the math to psych doesn't matter much, since I have my break then, but dude! They are really far apart.
Winter I'll be taking math, english 201 and. . . Dunno. Maybe another art class, if this one works out.
Spring. . . Biology and speech for sure. Maybe archaeology, too. Maybe art.
I'm obsessing, and that's never a good thing.
My emoticon favourites don't show up here. That's sad!
Ooh! I got my checks in the mail today! And I've got my license and social security card (I think I already mentioned those) and my new debit card! So friggin' exciting!
I don't know why, but my anxiety is all wonky right now. Like, really badly. And there's sort of not a whole lot of reason for it to be especially high.
On the upside, I'm hoping that the BPAL birthday package my mom ordered me will be arriving within a week or two. (I'm trying to be generous with the time!) I think I will positively love Manhattan! I already know I love Katharina. I'm really excited to find out what my chaos theory smells like, and I think she got me a CD. Xanthe, maybe? Or Gennivre? I know it wasn't the Organ Grinder, because I had some amount of panic about that, and then found a decant of it available. The cool thing about a CD bottle in my hands is that if I love one of my decants more than it, I'll probably be able to swap for whichever bottle I love more.
Is it silly that I get so freakin' excited about frimpage, too? There's usually 2 per bottle, so I could end up with De Sade, Severin, the Jersey Devil, Ladon, Cockaigne, Phobos, Tintagel, and Euphrosyne! Yeah, I know, the middle three probably won't happen, but they might! Really, I'd prefer Les Bijoux over the Jersey Devil.
It's amazing to me that prattling on about BPAL allows me to forget about anxiety. Heh.
How long does it take an inept knitter to knit a scarf? Or 15 scarves?
Art
If you heard a noise that sounded much like a sonic boom early monday, that was my anxiety skyrocketing.
Monday was baaaad. Tuesday was better. Wednesday, I suspect, will be even better.
I'm feeling good about my math class and the instructor and the pace. I love my psych instructor and I'm interested in the subject, so that one's a delight. Winter quarter, I'll do 3 classes. I need to conserve my energy for now.
Bed, now.
I found my imp of Snake Oil yesterday and dabbed a bit on my hand. I remembered that I wasn't too fond of it, but couldn't remember why. I actually thought maybe it was just that my nose wasn't developed enough, or sensitive enough to the scents, but it just doesn't work on me. Why? Patchouli. It's all patchouli, all the time on my skin. And I don't mean that in a good way. It just doesn't work. I don't like it. I have a dear friend who loves patchouli, though, so I'm thinking I'll send it to her.
I found a whole tin of imps that I've been missing. Silk Road and Dragon's Millk are the ones I'm really excited to find. The rest I'm all kinda meh about.
Dude! I'm going to be in art! Just a little over a month to wait. Art, math and psych. Plus fitness! I just need to make sure I'm going to the fitness lab all quarter. I know I've said that for the past two quarters, but I mean it now. Really! I'm going to do it this time. Things will be different.
I'm learning to cook so that we don't have to eat out so often. I was annoyed at spending so much money on meats, and then realized that we spend the equivalent (and often more) on fast food that's so bad for us. So instead of doing my 'stop eating' thing that's 'worked' so well in the past (because he won't let me, mostly.), I'm working on healthy alternatives.
I bought onions today!
Did I brag about my boy's tomatos yet? He planted tomato plants, and they're finally red! They're small, but they taste amazing-- and I'm not a really big fan of tomatoes, generally speaking. Except lately.
As has become expected, I am doing much better today than I was yesterday. I am SUCH a freak the first day of a new quarter, seriously.
Speech is going to be challenging, but I think it'll be good for me, and I already like the instructor. I got into the 8:00 math class and dropped the one that traumatized me, so even though I'll have to get up at 6am, I'll be totally done with school by 11:30, and that is really nice. I have missed that. I'm half tempted to do a 7:00 class next spring so I'll get out at around 10. But... eh. I'm not that much of a morning person, and dragging myself to yoga at that time was seriously difficult, and that was only two days a week.
I like my Lord of the Rings instructor, too. I have a feeling that is going to be a good class for me; I just need to get reading. For now, though, I need to do some math!
to everyone! Thanks for all the support!
Sooo... now that I'm all registered for the maths next quarter- precalculus, to be exact- I'm starting to feel anxious about passing the final.
I've done fine in the class and I've had reasonably few problems grasping the concepts, but if I choke on the final... well, I can't get higher than a 1.7, even if I had a 4.0 going into it.
I know I'll pass. I know I'll pass. I need to pass.
Oh, and just in case you're lurking, Indi- I dropped History of the Modern Middle East, not linguistics. I need my fun class, and while I'd prefer archaeology, linguistics works out pretty well anyway.
Now I'm obsessing over how to work my schedule from here on out. I have 4 more quarters (counting Spring) before I can start the radiology program, though I have to be accepted first. Classes I have to take: A&P 1 and 2, Statistics. Possibly one other thing. Classes I want to take: Precalc 1 and 2, Calculus 1-4, English 201, Intro to Genetics, Archaeology, Physical Anthropology. A lot of classes to fit into three quarters, since I'm already registered for spring.
Fall: A&P 1, Precalc 2, English 201 or Genetics
Winter: A&P 2, Calc 1, Statistics
Spring: Calc 2, English 201, archaeology
....yeah. I didn't really think that one through all the way. I just really want to learn this. Why didn't I tackle math sooner? And why is calculus a 4 course sequence?
I think I just figured out a note I love! Finally! I mean, I know there are blends that work well on me, but I've never been able to really truly single out a note... and that note is white musk. I tested Katharina just now, and it was a little sharp going on, but then I noticed that it has white musk in it, and so does Whitechapel, so I figured that maybe it would dry down differently on me- and half an hour later, it smells fantastic. It's the same musk- I can actually pick it out. That is freaking awesome.
I need to lose weight. This is not an epiphany, obviously (the white musk thing was the epiphany). It's just... incredibly important to me. I was explaining this to one of my bridesmaids earlier this week. I want to go out with my husband, and have people look at us and think: "What is that girl doing with that guy?" Here's why: I think he deserves that. I want to make people sit up and take notice of him.
Please don't take that to mean I'm putting down his appearance; I'm very attracted to him. I just know that he doesn't have the physical appearance to match his heart- and trust me, if his phsyical appearance really did correspond to his heart, angels would weep and traffic would stop and there would be no more war and he'd be able to turn tap water into Shub Niggurath (the BPAL blend, not the Lovecraftian critter, because that would be seriously freaky- can you imagine? He'd have to get special glasses or something, because otherwise he'd unleash this terror onto the world... but yeah, getting off the subject here...) with a piercing glance and.... yeah. All that stuff.
He's that special. He deserves someone fantastic.
I'm upset with my husband and I'm upset with myself. My bank account is in the negative, and my husband just spent $60 that could have easily been avoided. He was too proud to do anything about it, and I wasn't bold enough. I feel. . . sucky.
I know I need to work out more. I do. I've seen the wedding photos, and I want to be healthy. I need to be healthy.
Here's the thing. This is week 7 of 12 in the quarter. I have 6 hours logged- which is better than I've done in the past, for sure! But instead of needing 14 hours, I need 25. Here's the other thing: The lab will be open the week of Thanksgiving, but we don't get credit for working out that week. Whahuh?? And I don't think we can work out week 12, though I might be wrong. So I need 19 more hours. I kind of want them done before Thanksgiving... so I'm going to be going in every day this week and working out the full 90 minutes, instead of an hour as I've been doing. (I can only get credit for the first 90 minutes I work out per day.)
So if I work out for 90 minutes for the next 5 days that'll be an additional 7.5 hours, for a total of 13.5 hours. Then, week 8, I'll do all 6 days for another 9 hours will be 22.5... Which means I'll have 2.5 hours for week 9. Bwahaha! It's a pipe dream, to be sure. But it'd be nice to just get it out of the way.
