For SW help and general fun:
1. What is your favorite season, and why? I love them all, but I really love early winter/late fall, when most of the bugs are dormant because it's so cold, but it's not bitterly cold.
2. What is the most awe-inspiring or beautiful thing you've ever experienced? Being in love. Getting married. My sacred memories, too.
3. Which songs are guaranteed to make you cry? I Hope You Dance. 4am by Our Lady Peace used to do it to me, too, but for a very different reason.
4. Which ones are guaranteed to make you dance around like a giddy idiot? Breathless. Video Killed the Radio Stars. A few others.
5. Which book most changed your life or outlook? The Chronicles of Narnia
6. What was the most awkward time of your life? High school.
7. What do you adore the most in all the world? If you're really asking me what, it's my ever growing freedom from anxiety and depression ruling my life. If you're asking who... My husband, my mother, my cousin, my best friend, my cat, my sister, brothers, their children and my in laws.
8. What irritates you the most? People who drive really slowly when I'm in a hurry.
9. When were you happiest (besides now)? My wedding day.
10. What is the perfect meal for you? So long as it has a good dessert...
11. If you could dress in the clothes of any era, what would you wear? 1930's glam
12. What are your best dreams about? Life
13. What is your best "I was so drunk..." story? My husband's "Donnie's dead!" story- I've never been drunk.
14. What is the story of your first love? The story? Exhiliration, little birdies singing disney songs outside my window every morning, a ray of hope like nothing I'd ever experienced entering my heart, excitement like nothing else, feeling beautiful for the first time in my life, that sense of breathless desperation like, "This is IT. It HAS to be...", being incredibly naive and learning my lesson about trusting something that's too good to be true, becoming cynical and angsty and heartbroken and angry and self destructive only to eventually find my way to my husband, who would have formerly entered the category of "Too good to be true" but really, he's too damn good not to be true. There is no end to the story.
15. What is your favorite painting? It really depends on my mood. I ADORE Renoir- there's something about seeing the pieces in person that changes my whole perspective.
16. Who is your favorite Shakespearian character, and why? I don't know.
17. What is the best concert you've ever attended? I don't like crowds enough to go.
18. What is your favorite indulgence or vice? Indulgence: BPAL. Vice: Sweets.
19. What is your greatest regret (again, "no regrets" doesn't count!)? That I can't say I have no regrets. I would do things differently, given the chance, so it's a good thing I can't.
20. What is your favorite physical aspect of yourself? My hair.
21. What is one very interesting fact about you that hasn't yet been shared? I was in New Orleans just over a week before Katrina hit.
I am still undecided. I want this quarter to be a really good one! I don't want to regret not taking precalc. Um. That's about it. Hope you're all doing well!
I know I need to work out more. I do. I've seen the wedding photos, and I want to be healthy. I need to be healthy.
Here's the thing. This is week 7 of 12 in the quarter. I have 6 hours logged- which is better than I've done in the past, for sure! But instead of needing 14 hours, I need 25. Here's the other thing: The lab will be open the week of Thanksgiving, but we don't get credit for working out that week. Whahuh?? And I don't think we can work out week 12, though I might be wrong. So I need 19 more hours. I kind of want them done before Thanksgiving... so I'm going to be going in every day this week and working out the full 90 minutes, instead of an hour as I've been doing. (I can only get credit for the first 90 minutes I work out per day.)
So if I work out for 90 minutes for the next 5 days that'll be an additional 7.5 hours, for a total of 13.5 hours. Then, week 8, I'll do all 6 days for another 9 hours will be 22.5... Which means I'll have 2.5 hours for week 9. Bwahaha! It's a pipe dream, to be sure. But it'd be nice to just get it out of the way.
I am actually in a full-blown panic over never finding a bottle of House of Mirrors. Beaver Moon to a lesser degree. This is sort of scary. I think I need some rest. But it's really, really freaking me out. Seriously, though? House of Mirrors seems to have vanished from the swaps. (I know there are a couple there, but what if nobody ever wants to sell it again? )
And it's not like I have any real reason to be afraid I'll never get my hands on either of them ever again. It's irrational. That's how I know it's a panic attack.
I'm going to do the precalc sequence and then statistics. I hate not having calculus done, but I don't see the point in only partially doing it. Plus, it'll allow me to take other classes I want next winter and spring.
I think I've figured it out. I sold the two bottles I had up for swap. If I can choose between Dorian and Alice, I'll make a big (for me!) order now and then snag one or maybe even two CD scents. Possibly a set of decants. Possibly a few decants eventually. If there are 13 scents, that's $65. Cripes. I don't know why that surprised me so much, heh. (I'm guessing about the 13 scents.) So I'll grab decants of whichever ones interest me most and then... gah. What about the BPTP update? The one it was insinuated/suggested would be a lot like the inquisition... That's what is keeping me back now.
Ugh. I'm just driving myself nuts.
An observation about shipping prices: It usually more than pays for itself in frimpage. That's kind of cool.
I'm still musing over my star chart reading. I've decided to stick with art (as I mentioned previously) to try and develop that talent. I hope it turns out well. I know there are other venues of opportunity, but I've always thought it would be wonderful to be able to create art.
If art doesn't fit, I'll pursue writing-- which I think I also mentioned. I'm also going to throw myself into fitness this quarter. The reading said something about body movement being important, and that feels right. I'm wondering if that has to do with my growing interest in yoga. I hope it's offered next summer. 5 days a week! That would be marvellous. Exhausting, because it's still a 7am class, but fantastic.
I'm going to need to take some literature classes, and history. I love school. I'm so glad I get to go back!
I really need to make sure I have the focus to succeed this quarter.
I want to get a job to support my BPAL habit. . . and that's probably the worst reason for wanting to get a job.
I know I've mentioned anxiety in the past, but it's really, really bad. Paired with depression, it caused me to have several years that are mostly a blur of misery to me. I sort of crawled into myself and gave up. It's a whole big long sad story that I'm not up to rehashing at the moment, but it resulted in me applying and receiving disability from social security. I really just didn't have it in me to hold down a job. At that point, I was lucky to care enough to brush my teeth. I haven't worked in seven years. Getting a job would be spreading myself too thin, combined with school. I know most people can do both, but I'm just not that strong. It's frustrating, but I'm getting my feet under me.
I'm sorely tempted to look for a job right now. Sorely. And I know I'm not ready. But I'm tired of having to budget every penny and I'm tired of feeling guilty for buying perfume, and I'm generally grouchy right now.
I'm excited that I'm getting Katharina, though! (My husband's still unhappy about it, which makes me tense.)
I am tired, tired, tired. And I'm in need of brushing of teeth and snuggling with the boy.
'Night, chickies.
One of my favourite movies is about quantum physics. It's one of those mid-level films that a lot of people heard about and then promptly forgot. What the Bleep do we Know? There are little touches to the movie that I love-- glimpsing herself, the crazy mad scientist looking guy, and of course the water.
What we believe creates our own reality, says the movie.
It's also impacted by collective belief; we are not islands.
So, yeah. I totally believe that I'm filthy rich and unchanged by money and seriously, no monkey's paw clauses. That shit freaks me right out.
I'm honestly trying to change my view of myself, though. It has to start small, or it won't work with me. I have to really convince myself.
Not that I'm wealthy or that I can fly or anything; just that I can deal with life better and respond to the needs of people around me without losing who I am.
Anyway. Enough quantum physics.
We had therapy today. Things need to change, but the ways we can go about making those changes are limited. Suggesting hospitalization is all well and good, but we checked that option out months ago. Hopefully having the therapist as an advocate in the matter will open some doors, but there's a lot of red tape. We're having to retrace the steps we took months ago, and that's frustrating, because none of those steps helped at the time.
It's absurd to suggest that he start the process of moving out onto his own. He's barely existing with us prodding him to take a freaking shower. Put him into a situation where he's alone, and it's just going to end badly. Not to mention he doesn't even have a job, his credit is shot, and he's not particularly interested in finding a job. So unless we're talking about him moving out to live under the bridge, it's not viable.
So what is viable? If those two things are out, what next?
I wish I knew.
Merry Christmas, lovelies! Even if you don't celebrate the actual holiday, I hope the spirit of the season itself brings warmth and love into your lives. You all deserve it.
Take the best care, and I shall write an entry with the scoop on my holiday swag as soon as possible.
Love to you, darlings!
Hee. If you look at the list of scents I want to buy right now, check out how many of them are predominantly florals. MLST isn't, and Alice isn't quite, and there's also Bengal, which certainly isn't one... But by and large, those are floral scents! How did that happen? Also, look at how many of those feature rose! I came in to BPAL with a strong dislike of rose, but I have, as they say, seen the light. Hah. I also didn't like vanilla very much. Hopefully that was just my own scent discovery, and it won't change so drastically over this year.
I am so sick. Aaand... I'm about to go to school.
I swear, I have the plague. Ugh. And the crazy thing is that my doctor didn't even give me a decongestant- he gave me cough syrup with codeine, which I can't take during the day, because I'm going to be driving to school, and I'm already not feeling good enough to do that.
I know.
Is Chinese musk the same as white musk? I've seen it used several times and wasn't sure. So these are white musks, golden musks, and musks of indeterminate color.
Dragon's Musk (with 5, one is bound to be white!)
Aeval (I didn't like this one the first time, but white musk warrants a re-try)
Black Pearl
Fae
Lampades (sensual musk could be white)
Lurid
Ode on Melancholy
Zephyr
Death on a Pale Horse
The Bow and Crown of Conquest
The Great Sword of War (Yeah, it's red musk, but it sounds so perfect.)
Bluebeard (I'm pretty sure I tried and disliked this one)
Imp (not white musk, but golden musk sounds so lovely!)
Kitsune-tsuki
Kuang Shi
Villain (citrus musk)
Grandmother of Ghosts
Pietho (warm musk probably isn't white, but it sounds pretty)
Queen Mab (Chinese musk)
Thanatopsis (pine, juniper and musk... yeah, those first two scare me. This is way low on my list.)
Cordelia (Chinese musk- this has all my favourite things in it.)
Juliet
Oberon (orchid too!)
Endymion (tried once already)
Psyche
Vicomte de Valmont
Berenice (if I can find some!)
Usher (as above)
Mantis (golden again, but sounds lovely)
Fallen (golden musk)
Aglaea (musk type isn't specified [except 'bright'], but sounds like it could be white)
Euterpe
Urania
Zorya
Bengal (skin musk)
I think that's all, for now!
I signed up for the design class. It's my first class of the day! And then I have math! And then a break! And only then do I have my favourite instructor! This feels scary. Not to mention that I don't actually have any financial aid at the moment. All my classes are way far away from each other, too! Okay, the math to psych doesn't matter much, since I have my break then, but dude! They are really far apart.
Winter I'll be taking math, english 201 and. . . Dunno. Maybe another art class, if this one works out.
Spring. . . Biology and speech for sure. Maybe archaeology, too. Maybe art.
I'm obsessing, and that's never a good thing.
My emoticon favourites don't show up here. That's sad!
Ooh! I got my checks in the mail today! And I've got my license and social security card (I think I already mentioned those) and my new debit card! So friggin' exciting!
Sooo... now that I'm all registered for the maths next quarter- precalculus, to be exact- I'm starting to feel anxious about passing the final.
I've done fine in the class and I've had reasonably few problems grasping the concepts, but if I choke on the final... well, I can't get higher than a 1.7, even if I had a 4.0 going into it.
I know I'll pass. I know I'll pass. I need to pass.
Oh, and just in case you're lurking, Indi- I dropped History of the Modern Middle East, not linguistics. I need my fun class, and while I'd prefer archaeology, linguistics works out pretty well anyway.
Now I'm obsessing over how to work my schedule from here on out. I have 4 more quarters (counting Spring) before I can start the radiology program, though I have to be accepted first. Classes I have to take: A&P 1 and 2, Statistics. Possibly one other thing. Classes I want to take: Precalc 1 and 2, Calculus 1-4, English 201, Intro to Genetics, Archaeology, Physical Anthropology. A lot of classes to fit into three quarters, since I'm already registered for spring.
Fall: A&P 1, Precalc 2, English 201 or Genetics
Winter: A&P 2, Calc 1, Statistics
Spring: Calc 2, English 201, archaeology
....yeah. I didn't really think that one through all the way. I just really want to learn this. Why didn't I tackle math sooner? And why is calculus a 4 course sequence?
I need to stay out of that LJ thread. It's making me upset and snarky and I generally try to be nice to people. I just need to take a breath, a step back, and focus on the fact that I don't always have to attack when I feel threatened. This, to me, is a safe place, and I don't want it to be unsafe... but I'm not the authorities. Yeah, I'm being silly. It's just so... irritating that people can be so freaking mean!
Gah. I need to do homework. The boys went to church.
I'm not pregnant!
I almost wrote a post here last night that I thought I was pregnant, because I was having huge anxiety over it, but then I freaked out about how saying it might help it to be real or whatever. Anyway, I'm not. Hooray!
I hurt my neck today somehow. It is not comfortable. I think I'm going to try and sleep now, though. Just wanted to share the good news!
I grew up in the LDS church, also known as the mormons. I was baptised at age 12 because my mother and I were converts, and my dad wasn't active. I'm no longer active. I'm still feeling out my spiritual pathways. However, the LDS church is always going to be a part of who I am and, at least locally, they have a really great community of people. Most of the people helping with the wedding are members. I'm getting married in an LDS church building, by an LDS bishop. My mom is still an active member. My fiance decides that he wants to investigate the church to learn more about my background in it and to connect more with my mom, and also to attend with our roommate, who wouldn't go otherwise. This is all very nice, in theory. However, he hates organized religion. He's very liberal, politically speaking. He believes in God, but doesn't like all the dressings. When he met with the missionaries, it annoyed me, because I felt like he was there to waste their time. And he came back with snide remarks and his usual issues with the thought of organized religions- complaints about beliefs and accusations about oppression of women and just... all the same stuff. So I shrugged and told him not to do it. But he's persisted. So I tend to nod and sigh and remind him that he doesn't have to go there, and nobody's trying to force him into the beliefs. It just irritates me. He came home today ranting about how tithing is just rent for the church and they don't care about motivations and whatever. It's a freaking principle of the church. Don't act like you understand it, because you obviously don't. It isn't flexible. Organized religion has to have structure to it, otherwise it WOULDN'T BE ORGANIZED!!!
In my excitement over not being pregnant, I forgot to share one of my main causes of anxiety, and that is my new nephew! My sister in law had her baby on the 16th and he is beautiful! Obviously they both came through it fine, which was worriesome at the time, and they got to leave the day afterwards, even though it had originally been projected that she'd have to stay at least three days. So, yes. There's much happiness over the new addition to the family.
I have size 15 needles that I was going to knit a scarf with, but I think I'll go back to the size 9 set. I sort of want a pretty scarf that's really easy, but I haven't had luck finding any good patterns. Any thoughts would be welcomed gratefully.
I also want to do a small coinpurse, but I think I may just wing that one.
I think I need circular needles! They seem to be necessary for -everything- cute. Dude! I also need to pick up a tote bag for knitting stuff.
Anxiety is high but I'm doing reasonably well. I found the new address of the site I mentioned last night and I still recognize a lot of names.
I think I need to crawl into the land of the sims now.
I hate when people die. And I feel guilty if I haven't spoken to them in a while.
I've been thinking about my friend, Charlie. He died about two years ago. He's been on my mind all week. I cried so hard when I found out.
"I could never commit suicide," he once told me, when I was feeling particularly suicidal. "It goes against my religion. I don't want to go to hell."
I don't believe he's in hell.
I miss him a lot.
Love you, Charlie.
Love to you, Cove and Judy.
I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I have trouble dealing with kindness when I'm going through a rough time. I don't know how to explain it, other than it makes me break down, because it's overwhelming, or something... does that make sense? At any rate, there's a whole heck of a lot of kindness here and as much as I appreciate it, I think I need to sign off for the evening. Love to everyone.
I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure I know why anymore.
