I need to do something to get rid of my negative energy. I know part of it is depression, but part of it is my general attitude, and it sucks mightily.
Why is it that when I come to post something here, my mind goes blank? It's not like I don't have interesting thoughts in my head. I do! But once the page comes up, all I can see is that white canvas, and then I start thinking mundane thoughts, and it's all so irritating.
My wedding kimono FINALLY came today. It's... really crappy workmanship. I'm disappointed. Plus there are black smudges around the collar. Threads are loose from the fake obi, and the velcro is sewn all askew and through the wrong places... it's sort of freaking me out. Not that you can tell. Also, it doesn't fit me. That really sucks.
I wanted to get something else really nice for my swappee. I know for sure she has one of the things I have for her, so I went looking for other things. They all turned out to be things that I want for me, so that's a bad idea. I was all set to check out with some perfume oil samples from various and sundry other places, when I thought to myself: "Self, you ought to check your bank account." And I did. I'm so glad I did... but now what? I know, I'll get creative. But I wish I could do more.
Not as in "making knots", but as in "not knitting".
Dude, I don't know what I'm doing, but it sure as hell doesn't resemble what she's doing on the knittinghelp site. Also, I've watched her continental casting clip ten thousand times, and I can still only get it started once in twenty-five times. Is there any reason I can't start with a slip knot and a single cast, and then do the rest with her double-casting style thingy?
Also? None of my knitting looks like any of the things she's demonstrated at all. Mine is all wavy and you can sort of see a braided effect if you pull it out really tightly, but then it springs right back into the wavy seam thing. WTF? I'm doing something, and it is making rows and whatnot, but it's nothing like anything I've seen today. Or ever.
I am actually in a full-blown panic over never finding a bottle of House of Mirrors. Beaver Moon to a lesser degree. This is sort of scary. I think I need some rest. But it's really, really freaking me out. Seriously, though? House of Mirrors seems to have vanished from the swaps. (I know there are a couple there, but what if nobody ever wants to sell it again? )
And it's not like I have any real reason to be afraid I'll never get my hands on either of them ever again. It's irrational. That's how I know it's a panic attack.
I tried a few imps really quickly before I put them up for swap.
De Sade: Unsurprisingly, it's leather. I'd test it on my husband if I thought he'd like it, because it might smell fantastic on him, but he's not into wearing scents. At least not where he can smell them. I tried a smidge of Manhattan on his collarbone, and he hated being able to smell it. Should I try his hands, maybe? Anyway, right. De Sade. Leather. That's about it. I don't like it on me, but I think I'd love it in other blends. I just don't like it by itself and can't see myself ever wanting to wear this blend. For me, it's a 3 of 10. It's that high because I'd love to smell it on my husband, and I think it's a novelty that I really enjoy.
Queen Gertrude: First struck me as really... I dunno. Overwhelmingly floral and perfumey. Once on my skin, however, it takes a turn for the lovely. I'm thinking Illyria might be my category even more than Wanderlust. It softens into this sweet, warm floral that is comforting and light. Very beautiful. I like it more than Shadow Witch Orchid. Odd note: Gennivre smells almost just like this on my skin, except really oddly bitter. Huh. It ranks an 8, but Gennivre ranks a swap, I think.
A dab of French Love: Bright and friendly smelling. It's just got an undertone that I don't like- there's something turning bitter on my skin, like a bad combination of herbs/greens on me. Not my thing. May be worth trying again at a later date, though. 5.
Saint-Germain: The amber REALLY blooms in this one. I'm pondering keeping it, but I'm not sure I like the beginning enough to want to wear it often. Still, the amber is just stunning. I may test this one again.
Pain: I love the mintiness of this. It's actually very pretty, but doesn't strike my fancy at the moment. I don't hate it. 6.
I hope my review of Pan's Labyrinth wasn't offensive to anybody! I still had a fantastic time, and I'm incredibly glad to have seen it on the big screen. I was just pointing out things I didn't enjoy about it, s'all.
I'm kind of pissed right now. I got my LotR essay back today, and the grade was considerably lower than I was expecting. I didn't fail, but I got a 4.0 out of english 101, and this is a LIT class (sort of), so I have a certain amount of expectations for my grades when it comes to writing, and I was pretty confident with what I had written.
Also, I love you guys. That's all for now! Must do homework, so I can then play Baldur's Gate 2! And then.... American Idol!
I am so sick. Aaand... I'm about to go to school.
I swear, I have the plague. Ugh. And the crazy thing is that my doctor didn't even give me a decongestant- he gave me cough syrup with codeine, which I can't take during the day, because I'm going to be driving to school, and I'm already not feeling good enough to do that.
I know.
Is Chinese musk the same as white musk? I've seen it used several times and wasn't sure. So these are white musks, golden musks, and musks of indeterminate color.
Dragon's Musk (with 5, one is bound to be white!)
Aeval (I didn't like this one the first time, but white musk warrants a re-try)
Black Pearl
Fae
Lampades (sensual musk could be white)
Lurid
Ode on Melancholy
Zephyr
Death on a Pale Horse
The Bow and Crown of Conquest
The Great Sword of War (Yeah, it's red musk, but it sounds so perfect.)
Bluebeard (I'm pretty sure I tried and disliked this one)
Imp (not white musk, but golden musk sounds so lovely!)
Kitsune-tsuki
Kuang Shi
Villain (citrus musk)
Grandmother of Ghosts
Pietho (warm musk probably isn't white, but it sounds pretty)
Queen Mab (Chinese musk)
Thanatopsis (pine, juniper and musk... yeah, those first two scare me. This is way low on my list.)
Cordelia (Chinese musk- this has all my favourite things in it.)
Juliet
Oberon (orchid too!)
Endymion (tried once already)
Psyche
Vicomte de Valmont
Berenice (if I can find some!)
Usher (as above)
Mantis (golden again, but sounds lovely)
Fallen (golden musk)
Aglaea (musk type isn't specified [except 'bright'], but sounds like it could be white)
Euterpe
Urania
Zorya
Bengal (skin musk)
I think that's all, for now!
Merry Christmas, lovelies! Even if you don't celebrate the actual holiday, I hope the spirit of the season itself brings warmth and love into your lives. You all deserve it.
Take the best care, and I shall write an entry with the scoop on my holiday swag as soon as possible.
Love to you, darlings!
I spent tonight with my husband, cleaning up our kitchen and playing Baldur's Gate and watching the ball drop, and it was fantastic. It's our second New Year together, but our first as husband and wife, obviously, so it was special. I know how lucky I am. It's going to be a great year, even if the going isn't always smooth, because all I see when I think about 2006 are the shining moments, even if I was a basket-case for so much of it. Thus, the good outweighed the bad. By a lot.
Happy New Year everyone!
Oh, and my new watch? Is beautiful. In case I forgot to mention that among the Christmas postings.
Grades will be posted on tuesday, so I'll know for sure that I passed. My husband is being ever supportive, but I'm freaking out. Dude. I am almost positive that I only did 5 of 6 essay questions on my LotR final. (We get to choose 6 of 8 topics, and I'm thinking I split early without realizing it.) So if I did that, who's to say I didn't choke on my math final? Blarg.
Hope you're all doing well, lovelies.
Eee, school starts a week from tomorrow. AND THE SCHOOL STILL HASN'T POSTED THE BOOK LIST!!! What the hell is up with that?? Okay, off to snuggle with the boy.
It was a geography class of some sort. Everything about it was unfamiliar. Faces, carpet, desk, rules. . . Everything. It was painful. I wanted to cry all the time. It was so very hot during the day; unrelenting heat, and so early in the year. Everything was wrong. I dreamed about home everytime I closed my eyes.
A scrap of paper was delivered, and it was a small note; pre-typed and a single word scribbled out: home. I was going to be excused from the rest of my classes because I was going home. Home didn't mean the drab little tent in the RV park where we lived. I was certain to the core that home meant leaving this cruel desert and returning to my beloved desert.
As it turns out, I was right.
I wish I knew what happened to the little girl who lived next "door" to us. She was a sweet kid.
Over the course of one or two months, I lost about 40lbs. There was just no money for food. I had lunch at school. That is a diet I would fall back on several times in my life.
It didn't help.
I left that place, but it never left me.
I need to stay out of that LJ thread. It's making me upset and snarky and I generally try to be nice to people. I just need to take a breath, a step back, and focus on the fact that I don't always have to attack when I feel threatened. This, to me, is a safe place, and I don't want it to be unsafe... but I'm not the authorities. Yeah, I'm being silly. It's just so... irritating that people can be so freaking mean!
Gah. I need to do homework. The boys went to church.
I want to get a job to support my BPAL habit. . . and that's probably the worst reason for wanting to get a job.
I know I've mentioned anxiety in the past, but it's really, really bad. Paired with depression, it caused me to have several years that are mostly a blur of misery to me. I sort of crawled into myself and gave up. It's a whole big long sad story that I'm not up to rehashing at the moment, but it resulted in me applying and receiving disability from social security. I really just didn't have it in me to hold down a job. At that point, I was lucky to care enough to brush my teeth. I haven't worked in seven years. Getting a job would be spreading myself too thin, combined with school. I know most people can do both, but I'm just not that strong. It's frustrating, but I'm getting my feet under me.
I'm sorely tempted to look for a job right now. Sorely. And I know I'm not ready. But I'm tired of having to budget every penny and I'm tired of feeling guilty for buying perfume, and I'm generally grouchy right now.
I'm excited that I'm getting Katharina, though! (My husband's still unhappy about it, which makes me tense.)
I am tired, tired, tired. And I'm in need of brushing of teeth and snuggling with the boy.
'Night, chickies.
I'm still musing over my star chart reading. I've decided to stick with art (as I mentioned previously) to try and develop that talent. I hope it turns out well. I know there are other venues of opportunity, but I've always thought it would be wonderful to be able to create art.
If art doesn't fit, I'll pursue writing-- which I think I also mentioned. I'm also going to throw myself into fitness this quarter. The reading said something about body movement being important, and that feels right. I'm wondering if that has to do with my growing interest in yoga. I hope it's offered next summer. 5 days a week! That would be marvellous. Exhausting, because it's still a 7am class, but fantastic.
I'm going to need to take some literature classes, and history. I love school. I'm so glad I get to go back!
I really need to make sure I have the focus to succeed this quarter.
My internet has been gone for the past week or so! I shall return as soon as the telecommunication gods decide they don't hate me anymore. Thinking of you all, and hoping you're doing well.
I will have a huge update coming when I do get back. (Possibly tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath.)
After much angst and self-doubt, I dropped precalculus... and I know I could've done it. Maybe that's all I needed, though.
I still feel disappointed in myself.
The former housemate who owes us massive amounts of money just told us that he bought himself a nintendo DS. The hell? That's not the only thing he's bought himself, either. And I know he has a right to do nice things for himself, but it pisses me off that he's letting repaying us slide. Or maybe he's not. Maybe it just seems like it's been a while since he sent anything. He was also a dumbass in a self-destructive mode and went to see this crazy bitch that he swears he's over, but then he's still in love with her, and whatever whatever whatever. Boo-frickin-hoo. I sound insensitive, but it's just ridiculous. He knows better. He needs to focus on himself if he's going to get well anytime soon, and doing shit like that -really- doesn't help. I just keep HOPING that he will get it together, and when he gets self destructive, I get pissed.
Anyway. School. I needed one of my books to arrive in the mail today, and it didn't, and I'm sort of freaked out now. I am in love with linguistics and have found myself fully engrossed in the textbook at times. BUT. It doesn't count as a humanities credit?? Uh, the hell? It's just an elective credit, which I certainly don't need. It is listed as a humanities credit in the catalog, and if I'm not mistaken, they're sort of required to honor that, so I'm going to have a visit with an advisor and mention that. Why would linguistics not count for humanities? That's just insane. Then again, my college also wouldn't count Lord of the Rings as a lit credit. But, whatever. Because I'm so not getting rid of this course. They'd have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. Or something like that. We've spent the first week of Biology covering the chemistry used in biology. I like her well enough. She's married to my favourite instructor, and it's interesting to see her style as well. My lab instructor, though... heh. Is he even old enough to cross the street by himself? Somebody in the class was like, "Should we call you Mr. So-and-so?" I about choked. There's no way I could address that kid that way- to my great relief, he begged us not to. He's nice, but he seriously doesn't look old enough to be out of high school. (I may be exaggerating. I told my husband he was 12, so I am getting a little better.) Anyway, so I think I'll like finally having a lab, but it is on friday, which means I'm driving out there 5 days a week... much, much more gasoline.
Huh. This is a pretty long entry. I'm just really restless. And... I am a bit forlorn with a turn in Kushiel's Dart about 250 pages from the end. For some reason, I just didn't see that coming. I know at some point I said that her writing was a bit pretentious, but I think it's because I had been reading things like Dresden Files and Women of the Otherworld and Weather Wardens. It's just a different genre and a different style of writing. I'm actually quite enthralled by her, and I had to get the second book, as well as the first book of her new series. (I finally nabbed a bunch of used books and made a run to the bookstore. I love that- we came out with 10 books and it worked out to less than one dollar each.)
Okay. I'm going to end this now. I'm so freaking thirsty. Merfolk should not be thirsty.
Here's the rundown of everything that's been going wrong in my life of late. I'll do a more positive one soon.
-I got violently ill during finals week last quarter.
-I was violently ill the first week of spring break.
-I was PMS'ing, too.
-Surprise visit from my beloved cousin left little time for rest during the second week of spring break.
-Ugliness and misfortune from friend in previous entry.
-School starts. Yoga-ow. Math-ow. Archaeology-YAY. English-....
-Things resolve with friend, who gets kicked out of his apartment due to not paying rent. (This is a long story.) Instead of doing homework, I help him get moved.
-S.O. gets sick.
-Mom may have whooping cough. If she does, I will have to be tested for it as well.
-If mom has whooping cough, she will go straight to the hospital. Scariness.
-I get sick. I miss 3 of the first 8 days of classes. Catching up in math is going to be a bitch.
-Friend gets moved in here.
-English instructor is extremely condescending to me. It makes me sad.
-At the urging of my S.O., I realize that I can't take archaeology. This is heartbreaking news.
-A favourite uncle who has been really sick for a while now goes into renal failure and is on his deathbed.
-Favourite uncle consequently dies.
-I miss the funeral because it is out of town, and I've already missed too much school.
-The death brings up a lot of past issues.
-I'm still sick but attending school. My voice is mostly gone and I feel like shit, but I'm probably not contagious.
-I tell my archaeology instructor in person that I'm dropping his class, and when he gets concerned, I damn near cry, because his class is the only one I enjoy. This causes more concern from him. Luckily (for me) he has a class and can't stay, but reassures me that I'm not giving up and I have to do what's best for me and all the nice things people say.
-I cry. (In my car)
-I cry some more. (At home)
-For whatever reason, math just isn't sticking with me. I suck. I fail the first quiz.
-My first english essay is late.
-I cry some more. (In my car and at home)
-I don't have wedding invitations yet. This is not good.
-.... to be continued.
I'm feeling the weight of depression settling in on me this weekend, and I'm sort of afraid of falling back into that pit of awfulness. But! I got an awesome card from my switch witch, I'm preparing my switchee's package, and I've been trying Penance's tarts (and others) over the past couple of days. I love my tart burner. So! Goodness in my life:
-I'm very, very much in love with someone who is everything I want and need, all in one person, and I'm able to recognize how rare that is to find, and be awed.
-I'm NOT incapacitated by depression/anxiety. I'm in school, I'm doing things on my own- even things I don't particularly want to do, and I'm learning how to live life. I'm making mistakes, but who doesn't?
-There are these bunnies on my campus, which fill me with utter joy to see, and I tend to see them most every day. They are ADORABLE. I'm not in the midst of a huge metropolis or anything, but it's not exactly rural, either, so they're particularly exciting.
-I finally got a tart warmer thingy! And a ton of tea lights, because who knew they burnt out so quickly? But, yeah. So far I've tried a skindazzles Island Paradise one I got from Hawke last SW round (which was subtle and really, really pretty), Creme Brulee from 4 Fat Cats Wax Works (which I really like but the SO hates, sadly.), Peppercorn from 4FCWW which is amazing and lingers like you wouldn't believe, and I'm melting a Jack Frost from Yankee Candles that Hawke also sent me, and I haven't been out to sniff at the room yet, but I will. It smelled grand in the solid, though!
-I'm trying to teach myself to draw. I actually like some of the images I've sketched so far, which is... unusual. I would never describe myself as artistically talented by ANY stretch of the imagination. I started on the drawing kick as almost a joke, sort of inspired by my switchee (I'll explain once the round is over, in case she somehow stumbles across this), and found out that it was really soothing and I liked doing it overall. The SO has been really supportive.
-I'm changing my name! What's more is that I know what I want it to be, finally. I thought I knew, but when it came time to sign paperwork, it felt really awful. I've been trying to settle on something that's agreeable to both myself and the SO and sounds good with his last name, and I FINALLY found the right one. He brought it up, and it had been one I'd been too uncertain about to voice. I'm really excited about the namechange, anyway.
-Earlier this week, when I came home from school and got out of the car, I looked up at the sky and a thousand bits of cotton from cottonwood trees in the area were floating gently in the wind, and with the sun shining through them against the backdrop of a blue sky, they all looked like fairies, and it was breathtaking and I can't do it justice.
-I did really well on my last english essay. I'm getting more comfortable with the format of the class and with the people in the class. It's really more of a political science class, but as long as he is consistent with his course outline, I'll do well in the class.
-I got to hear the father of Fractals speak. (Which is all I'll say on the matter, because that's the most positive thing I can say about the experience, heh.)
-Despite the agony of giving up on Archaeology, I'm really enjoying the break between my classes. I've never done that before. I'm planning on doing it again in the fall.
-My wedding invitations are done! (They're not sent off yet, and they're not what I wanted them to be, but they're done.) This is cause for much rejoicing.
-I've found stuff for the bridesmaids, flower girls, and other people to wear, and my mother found a dress she loves. I'm excited.
-I've made it through half the quarter.
-I got a postcard from my switch witch today!
-Paris was eliminated from American Idol, and while it's sad for her, she's really the only one I felt deserved to go at this stage.
...Yeah, I'm done. Heh.
I wish I could buy bottles for my switchee. I wish I could buy bottles for myself.
Why are money issues so freakin relentless?
The housemate saga continues: He's still here, and we've been waiting for a sizeable check from his mother. Note: She's a working nurse. She owns her own home. He hasn't had a job since late march. He reneged on his lease, and my mother is responsible for it, as co-signer. My mother is unable to work. She's on government disability. She doesn't get a lot. His mother sent him a check for $25 when he told her he was being evicted from his apartment. And some sweaters. She sent him a check for $225 when he told her his car wasn't working and also needed tags and insurance. He had his own apartment for 4 months. The rest he's lived here- not all of those months were leeching, but the way things even out... he's cost more than he's balanced. I know, I have the power to tell him to leave, and it's my job, and it's bad for my marriage, and everything else. I'm not trying to bitch about him. I'm bitching about his mother. The sizeable check arrived today. When he told me that she said she would send a fair amount, I had visions of $500+. Then he said she was going to send $250. Okay. That'll take care of a few things. No. Not $250. $150.
The crack in my windshield has gotten much bigger and we went to the insurance company today. We have a $100 deductible. So there's another unplanned expense. $100 that we have to borrow. I just wish we had a cushion. I'm terrible with money. But if he sat me down and told me straight out that there would be no more BPAL purchases until we have some money set aside in savings, it'd be so. The problem is that the money always goes for something frivolous anyway, so I figure why not BPAL? Or whatever. And it's not like there's a lot of frivolity. More this month than in a long time, because of school money, but my frivolity is not to be had, thanks to stupid-ass rock trucks with no covering on top of their scary-ass rocks.
I really want to scream and be angry and throw a tantrum. I just don't know who to be angry at.
I'm going to do the precalc sequence and then statistics. I hate not having calculus done, but I don't see the point in only partially doing it. Plus, it'll allow me to take other classes I want next winter and spring.
I signed up for the design class. It's my first class of the day! And then I have math! And then a break! And only then do I have my favourite instructor! This feels scary. Not to mention that I don't actually have any financial aid at the moment. All my classes are way far away from each other, too! Okay, the math to psych doesn't matter much, since I have my break then, but dude! They are really far apart.
Winter I'll be taking math, english 201 and. . . Dunno. Maybe another art class, if this one works out.
Spring. . . Biology and speech for sure. Maybe archaeology, too. Maybe art.
I'm obsessing, and that's never a good thing.
My emoticon favourites don't show up here. That's sad!
Ooh! I got my checks in the mail today! And I've got my license and social security card (I think I already mentioned those) and my new debit card! So friggin' exciting!
Steven Colbert just said "cock-blocked." Is there a clean reference that I'm missing; one that has to do with roosters or something? Because otherwise? Woah. Not bleeped or anything.
