As some of you might know, my sister decided to get a divorce this summer, a decision that floored me- but that I do support. She loves her kids and wouldn't do anything without a good reason. I've learned some of those reasons. They met in court yesterday to begin the proceedings- I don't know the precise terms, but they were supposed to present one another with papers or something. I had a therapy appointment yesterday. My husband was in the waiting room and my sister's husband walked into the building. He was carrying various folders and papers and whatnot, and greeted my husband, who probably wouldn't have noticed him otherwise. So therapy is hitting on some rough territory lately and I'm usually quite a wreck after them. We got into the car and my husband explains what he saw, suggesting that my sister's husband might've been meeting with a lawyer. I shook my head. He wasn't meeting with A lawyer. He was meeting with THE lawyer. I don't live in a huge metropolis, but if we had the equivalent of a hotshot media-whore sleazy big city lawyer, he would be it.
Last I heard, my sister was working with legal aid, or whoever does it for cheap, so I tried to get ahold of her all day to see if she knew. Last night, I finally did. She did know. It's ALL like something out of a soap opera. Apparently, she hadn't been aware that he'd had a lawyer until they both swept into court... because the lawyer wasn't even on the dockett. Huh? How does that even work? Is it legal to take a judge by surprise like that?
And I'm worried her lawyer isn't even competent.
It's JUST a TV show... but I'm so sad that Chris is gone, and I feel an odd sense of guilt for not voting enough.
This should NOT be effecting me to this degree. Dammit.
My bio class was all full, so I had to sign up to take it from someone else, later in the day. Ugh. So here's my schedule, for now:
9-10: Intro to Linguistics
11:30-12:30: Cell Biology
12:40-1:40: History of Modern Middle East
I don't know if that's what I'll keep, though.
I'm going to start therapy as of March 12.
....
This is a good thing, but I am rather scared. I need it to get me to an even keel, seriously. I can't afford to be a wreck next quarter, though. The classes are getting more difficult and more important.
And I'm still upset that I can't take archaeology. Heh. I still tear up thinking about when I dropped it- LAST SPRING. I love my instructor.
Ah, well. I'm looking forward to all of my upcoming classes, actually, though I may try and get into the bio class that my archaology instructor's wife teaches instead of this one. I don't actually know anything about her, or the guy I have right now, so I guess it only matters if he sends me home in tears or something. Which, I guess, isn't such a difficult task for the first day of classes. They aren't until April 2nd, and winter quarter ends April 21st! This is causing me great joy. Stupid Lord of the Rings.
We are 9 weeks into a 12 week quarter, and last week, my LOTR instructor complained that our second 100 point essays (of which there will be three, out of a total of something like 700 points, I want to say- but each thing is worth essentially 100 points, except for the reading quizzes, and do NOT get me started on those.) anyaway, he complained that our essays were too focused on FORM and not enough on CONTENT. He went on to explain that he isn't looking for your standard 5 paragraph essay that you learn in english 101, which is what the fricking prereq was, but nevermind that- no, he just wants us to write, concisely and impeccably, about the subjects we are given.
You can't really tell from the way I write here, but I am really good at writing papers for school. I learn what my instructor wants, and I do it. I got a 4.0 in english 101 writing political crap that I don't believe, for the most part. There are no words to describe how completely pissed off I was when he explained the format (or lack thereof? I don't really know, still) he was expecting from our essays. We've already written 2. I'm pissed that mine have been no higher than 85.
This is so frustrating, because of the way he has handled class the entire quarter. He keeps contradicting what he wants from us, and I sort of don't even want to do ANYTHING for the class anymore.
He gives a reading quiz every monday over the 100 pages we had to read the previous week. I do just as well when I don't read the pages as when I do. Don't ask for crazy details that I won't notice on my first time reading it through- and nothing in the course description even implied that it would be necessary to have read the trilogy, but that's how he has handled the class. Also, if you don't want english 101 papers, don't put that down as the stupid prereq! ARRRGH. I can't even get across how stupid and frustrating this is for me.
I don't even want to read the books anymore.
Anyway. Wow. That was a sucky and negative post. But... I dunno. I've just been feeling so very lackluster lately.
I'll be married in 48 hours!! I got shoes (they're pretty much hideous, but I don't imagine I'll end up caring a lot about them!) and my nails done- I'm loving them, but not the typing with them on. I hung out with one of my dearest friends from high school for several hours today, and that was fun. She actually learned the first two pages of one of the songs I had wanted to walk to, in case my piano player flakes out, as she is wont to do. That is very nice of her, and quite unexpected. Hopefully we'll be able to get together tomorrow, but tomorrow is going to be very busy. We were able to find a bakery that was SO reasonably priced and extremely sympathetic to my case and just incredibly nice overall who would also be able to get it done by friday, which is so awesome. It's going to be a lovely cake, and there's carrot cake! It's extremely good carrot cake. The other layers are white with different fillings- odd that I won't be having chocolate. I may grab a chocolate sheet cake to make sure we have enough.
It is imperative that you find a way to use whatever talents and gifts you have--the more you use them, the more ability you will develop. Do not neglect them (given your 5th house stellium I'm betting on creative something or another, maybe very public, dramatic work/play...but whatever it is, don't just think something like "well, if I can't be the best {fill in the blank} I shouldn't even do it.." Do it, whatever it is.
Jarvenpa read my chart based on my birthdate, location and time of birth. That's a brief snippet of what she said-- I'm still processing it all. The above seemed really personal and relevent right now, given my whole art obsession- could my talent lie there? It's possible.
I really think that was the nudge I needed to decide to stick with the art class and not watch for another class to open up in that time slot instead. However, I am not convinced that drawing will be my creative talent. I might need to start writing again soon. English 201 is on my list for winter quarter, and then in the spring or next fall I'll probably take creative writing. I. . . guess we'll see where life takes me this year.
I'm really rather excited.
Now all I have to do is wait for the financial aid to be awarded. . . I really, really hope it happens soon, so I don't have to drop all my classes and scrounge around at the last minute for open ones. That would be terribly sad.
I've got a lot to think about.
The pans that my mother was borrowing to bake the cakes? Yeah, not available after all. And I've officially been overruled. We're buying sheet cakes from Costco on friday. I can't go to the bakery to find out how much their cakes would be (and I can't find the number anywhere, because I don't know the name, I just know it's on the parkway.) because I'm under house arrest for a day of rest. And cleaning. I'm in major meltdown mode- but I appreciate all the offers of help and ranting in unison and encouragement to become ze bridezilla within. I think I need that right now. And the boy wants to watch House now. So very not in the mood.
My husband's cat is still not venturing out of the room- not often. When she does, my cat immediately chases her back under our bed... and she runs. There's no fighting back.
Today he told me that we're probably going to need to get rid of one. Being who he is, he presented it as us needing to get rid of his cat. The cat he flew in from Tennessee. The cat he loves. And I just can't let him do it. It's cruel to keep this going on, so one of them does need to go- or they just need to go at it, but we haven't been able to instigate that.
I love my cat. LOVE. And I don't know of anybody who can take her. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Why does everything shift to bleak in an instant like that?
I was all excited about placing into the college level algebra... went in today, and the instructor jumped into chapter 5. Chapter 5!!!@#$#$!!~@@#!!~!#$%&(#! Dude, I'm not that smart. Seriously. And it's the first day! I don't have my freaking books! I didn't get the financial aid check until saturday!! Then, she tried to play it off like it was school policy for us to have to get the customized book with the cd-tutorial thing so that we could all take our quizzes from it or some crazy shit, but when I went to the bookstore, the manager (not some student employee, but the actual manager) seemed flabbergasted that we'd be required to get that book. Also, a bunch of people in the class had already gotten the book, and hadn't gotten the one with the tutorial, which cost them an extra $40. And I knew it'd be hard, but I wasn't expecting it to sound like she was speaking a foreign tongue.
So I looked over the homework, and none of it is making any sense to me. At all. And it makes me feel awful, because it's not even that advanced, I just don't have the foundation I need, apparently. And I'm starting to panic because I need this class... If I can't cut it, I'll have to spend 3 quarters on JUST math. Which means it'll be a whole year of waiting to accomplish the prereq's for the radiology program, so it'll be pushed back to the summer of '08 instead of next year, and that's if I'm lucky and all the stars align and.... Wow, I'm insane. And english is sounding like it may become a class I'll hate, sadly. But I'm going to stay with it because I think I may like the instructor... tentatively. I don't know. I'm pretty insane.
Good news! The A/C is working! We need to be careful about the filter, but the thermostat is fine and everything. This means that we won't be getting a new air conditioner for our birthdays, which is patently Good. I'm hoping he gives me a watch. And here's where I break off into a tangent, all day-dreamy-like:
Didn't I ever write about "Christmas?" (I can't ever remember if the question mark should be out of the quotes or in it.) The boy moved here on December 28th so that he could spend Christmas with his family for the first time in a long time. We postponed Christmas- the meal, the presents, everything- until the 29th. This left him rather overwhelmed, due to the fact that a vast majority of my large family showed up. He was great with them. It was memorable and such a delight.
He got me the coolest gift ever.
He'd been teasing me by talking about it. He found it on Amazon. It had puzzled him at first. Why would anyone want it? Then, he had an idea. He'd shared it with his dad. His dad was jealous that he hadn't thought of something like that for his mom. The moment arrived, and I opened the shiny, shiny paper to reveal a big, white box. I opened the box to find what appeared to be a jewelry box. Only it isn't one! It's a watch box. He took my hand and said, "It'll be full in about 20 years, but I'll get you another one." The symbolism of time, and marking the passage of time with a watch each year... it all took my breath away. It's SO gorgeous.
And, breaking away from the daydream-
That probably means he won't be getting me a watch for my birthday; just Christmas, but it'd be nice to have a couple to store in it. I love that thing. ...Yeah, I have to admit it, I'm really hoping for bpal. And I feel guilty. I wish I were a better person. But another watch would be nice.
I am so freaking sick. I feel gross. Swimming to kill the odd skin inflammation did not work. We are trying bleach today, which is gross, but seems to be working. I'm just so wiped out. I need to get out of my house, though. I've got swaps to deliver.
My mom is calling me Gracie. It's wierd, and hard for her. I worry that it's making her too uncomfortable. She knows why I did it, and that it had nothing to do with her, but... I almost feel like a stranger. I didn't know that the name change would affect me like it has. It's not bad, necessarily. Sometimes it's odd, but not bad.
I want to cut off my hair. I need to find a good style. Who'm I kidding? Heh. I'd never keep up with it anyway. I'm lucky if I bother to comb it out, these days. More people compliment it when I don't, come to think of it. People are so strange.
I'm really hoping the mods get back to me soon. I'm impatient.
It was a great day! I am so, so, SO tired. Hee, my fetching gloves garnered lots of compliments, including one from my sister-in-law with whom I was mightily pissed recently.
We got a gift card to Pier 1, which is odd. I like the store, but we don't do a lot of shopping there. Ah, well. I guess we'll have to browse.
Highlights include:
My watch, of course! It is really lovely, and has no clasp- it's kind of like a bracelet style... wow, I don't know jewelry, obviously. I don't know how to describe it, but the band sort of expands and my wrist slips through a gap. Anyway, it's silver and has a large, round face and is gorgeous. So I shall retire my first watch to the watch box, which is really quite exciting.
The project from my husband- A gorgeous, framed note, written around "ENDURE" which was the central focus of the piece... anyway, it was about how that word sums up our relationship, and that while life's uncertainties make it impossible for him to promise a lot, but he does promise that we will endure. So incredibly romantic and sweet and yes, I cried, and we kissed, and it was awwwww. I wish I could describe it better.
Firefly on DVD! Awesome.
It was the best Christmas ever. Until next time.
Woah. I am so not upset about the contest not being as successful as I might've imagined. It was late, and I was tired and cranky and felt sort of silly and awkward having devised this intricate event with the two entertaining guesses and the two entertaining non-guesses. (I really did love all the responses.) I realize it isn't All About Me- non-cc paypal only is a limitation, and everybody's saving up for the update, and I'm sure some people feel like it's too much of a gamble and I'm equally sure there are many people who are simply not interested. But, hey, if you guess now, you're pretty much guaranteed a pack. Unless five people pop up and want to play. Heh. Anyway, I'm more relaxed about it. Really.
I am about sick of money issues coming up. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because it's not like we're starving to death or anything, but it's awfully frustrating being the only one of the three of us with any sort of income. Car insurance and gas money tacked on to everything else is just sort of almost too much to deal with. And here's the thing with insurance: My mom had been taking care of it because she had the money and it was just cheaper for her to do it for a number of reasons. Well, when we went in to have it switched over to my name, they initially quoted a rate that was within our budget, but recanted when they noticed that we didn't get the multiple car discount that my mother has. The rate they quoted then was about double the original one. We went in a couple of days ago to finish up the paperwork and when I asked for the quote again to put in my records, we were given the lower rate- which I didn't notice until we got home. I like the lower rate, but I don't want this to bite us in the ass. Do we go in and bring it up to them? Just wait on it? Oh yeah, and here's something else fun: My windshield is cracked. Got trapped behind two big semi's riding side by side, with rocks piled into the back, completely unprotected, and several of them pelted the windshield. I didn't notice the crack until this week. We can apparently get it fixed for $70, which we don't have to spare, or we can file a claim and have the insurance rate increase. Does that seem right? I'm a bit naive about insurance, apparently, but I've been exceedingly distressed since my husband told me that any claim we make will bump up our rate.
If I had the energy, I'd shriek in frustration.
It's late, and I'm tired, so I know that's mostly why my emotions are all over the place.
I suck at this dieting thing, even though I love salad and fresh fruit and wheat bread... I'm just not doing well with it. I need to add exercise, but I'd have to clear out the front room to really do that, plus I don't have the energy to divert in that direction at this point.
I found some old floppy disks that had files and photographs on it from years ago, and there were several of the man I don't think I've ever fully recovered from. I love my husband, and I am completely his, but because there was something so raw about the relationship I had with this other guy, my heart still aches a little at the thought of everything that happened.
I wouldn't be with my husband if it hadn't happened like that, though.
Anyway, I've been feeling nostalgic for all these old things/experiences lately, and I realized that nothing ever stays the same. The saying "You can never go home again"? Really applies to me right now. Not physical homes, but online communities.
I miss Charlie.
Anyway. I'm going to go play mind-numbing games until I can sleep.
Stupid Verizon. I'll update about them later.
I'm getting MARRIED tomorrow! And it's already tomorrow in some places! I can't believe how excited and calm I am, all at the same time. My piano player did show up at the rehersal, so we talked about what songs I wanted and what parts. I'm walking to Nightfall and Leaves on the Seine by David Lanz. I love him.
I'm starting to feel self-conscious about my dress not being white or traditional. Woah. Serious anxiety. That's so weird. ...
Ugh. I'm so stressed out now! What happened to being calm? I'm going to be walking in front of who knows how many people in a blue nonwedding dress! Why didn't I get a normal dress, like normal people do?
Yeah, but I also feel kind of awful. I mean, here's the thing: My husband says we can put off getting rid of one of the cats until he gets his disability, which will probably not be until January or so. We're going to take his cat to get checked out at a vet's office to figure out what's wrong with her- even on sensitive stomach cat food, she vomits pretty much every day, poor thing. I also think there's something wrong with her eyesight. If there's something seriously wrong with her and it's outside of our budget, we'll have to look at options there. So I'm still going to have to get rid of one of our cats, just now one might be getting put down... not exactly sunshine and roses. But it is a respite. And maybe they'll sort it out over this winter. The biggest problem is that there's no alpha cat. My cat is more willing to fight, but she's a scaredy cat, and she knows when she's outmatched. His cat can kick my cat's ass, but won't fight for anything. So the dynamic between them is... well, not dynamic.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. At this point, I'm a hair's breadth from invesigating bunnies. (Not as pets. It's a Buffy quote.)
We tried getting them both hopped up on catnip this weekend to see if they'd be more willing to duke it out, but no such luck.
I'm contemplating bringing a third cat into the mix to shake things up. (My parents' cat, on loan. However, they have a male cat, so I'm not sure what impact, if any, he would have. He'd probably just avoid all the conflict and laze around in the sun.)
I don't think I've tried writing poetry in over a decade, and it's been way longer since I tried haiku. I have seen a lot of people expressing things through haiku on the forums and thought I'd try my hand at it. Eh, we'll see. It's 5/7/5, right?
Disability
Is such a pain in the ass
and in the wallet
The famous Snake Oil
simply does not work for me
such disappointment
O, Katharina
You, of the fruity white musk
always comforting
You lovely readers
subjected to my meager
attempt to create
Right... That was fun. I think I shall have to continue! Some other day.
My grades are available technically today. I hope I didn't completely blow psych. I am really excited about my new classes, but I shall be extra busy. More math! Plus loads of reading to do for my Lord of the Rings class. I'm most nervous about that one, to be honest.
Not so much that I'm thinking about cotton candy as the level of substance to the thoughts...
I was thinking about my name. I just signed a PM "Gracie", even though I've been using "Grace" predominantly. I have also written out a few return labels using the full Gracelyn. It's inevitable that I'll use one more than the others, right? I never shortened my given name, despite it having a very popular nickname (which my mother hated), so I don't know how these things work. It's like having three seperate names! It's almost like playing "pretend" again.
Obsessing over trying: TKO, Leo '07, Victoria, Lysander, Schlafende Baigneuse and Crowley.
Bottles I particularly yearn for: 51, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale, Queen of Sheba, TKO, Bengal, Snowflakes
Imps I particularly yearn for: Croquet, TKO, Crowley, Tristran, Hermia.
LE's I'd almost rent out my soul for: Storyville, SN Lime, SN Pomegranate, Fee, Tears, Circe, Noir
LE's I'd almost always accept another bottle of: Et Lux Fuit, Snowflakes, Boomslang, Punkie Night
LE's I'd always accept another imp of: Storyville, Beaver Moon, Pink Moon '05, Chaste Moon and the bottle bunch, of course!
Catalog bottles I absolutely can't be without: Katharina, Whitechapel and Alice.
BPTP stuff I would sell my soul for: (other than a scent locket, obviously) Bitter Moon tee. Mum Moon tee, too.
Previously in my wishlist, I decided to take it out but to leave it available here. It'll be updated with some frequency as my mood dictates.
I'm also putting some of my wishlist on here that doesn't need to be up there anymore; namely Tarot and such.
Tarot
The World
Temperance
*The Hanged Man
Justice
Strength
*The Hierophant
*The Sun
The High Priestess
The Chariot
The Chakras
Vishuddha
Manipura
Sahasrara
TAL
Charisma
Glamour
*Anthelion
*Bastet's Laughter
*Block Buster
*Euphony
*Hand of Hermes
*Hymn to Pan
*Radiance of Ra
**Road Opener
Brass Balls
Foundation of Fortune
King Solomon's
Millk and Honey
*Perpetuum Bonum
White Light
Catalyst
Clarity
**Concentration
**Crucible of Courage
*Determination
**Healing
*Mnemosyne
Ouroboros
Wolf's Heart
I don't want any TAL that I could mistakenly cause negative effects. I'm not a magical practitioner, but I do have faith that focusing energy really does make a difference. (That's just my little disclaimer about TAL oils.)
So! I went to Portland for Thanksgiving and we just got home and there's already a bunch of stuff to write about, but I have to talk about meeting up with Snarky! We ended up getting together Wednesday evening, and we drove around trying to find someplace that was open and even Starbucks was closed! Well, Ms. Snarky found a little cake shop that was closed, but the owner said we could come in while she finished her receipts and she'd make us coffee. We were going to try to find somewhere else to go, but the owner sort of insisted that we stay, so we did, and we learned that she had this award-winning cake. The carrot cake was not particularly wonderful, so I think I should have gone with the special cake, but eh. Anyway! It was a great meeting and she's every bit as wonderful in person as you would imagine she is from here. I got to try a bunch of scents I haven't had a chance to test yet and it was just loads of fun. I was very tired, so if I nattered on a bit, I apologise. Okay... gotta go unwind a bit now. Hope everybody who's local had a great Thanksgiving!
I wish I could find a scent my husband really loves. He used to love Jailbait, but I wore it the other day and he didn't even recognize it. He told me it smelled nothing like Jailbait used to, to him.
There are very few that he absolutely dislikes, but I wish I had a scent in my arsenal that he would request and sniff my neck when I wear it. I feel like he tolerates my obsession, but it'd be nice if he could somehow benefit from it, too. Y'know?
I'm wearing Glitter right now, and I am SO not in the mood to be smelling like it. I thought it might cheer me up somehow, but it's not. I can't find MLST; it must be buried with Christmas stuff. Same with Alice and a few others. Nuts.
I wish I had something somber and still light. I don't need to find anymore scents to love, though.
I was talking to him yesterday about limited editions, and remarked that I don't think there's a single LE I love as much as my catalog favourites. Beaver Moon comes the closest. I REALLY like Cerberus, Lotus Moon, Et Lux Fuit, Storyville, Hungry Ghost Moon, and Halôa to name a few, but I think I would cry if Katharina, Whitechapel, Alice or Jailbait were ever discontinued and I really had to hunt for bottles of those. They are just breathtaking. They're perfect for me.
If I could make a huge order right now of GC bottles, I'd order Persephone (because I'm obsessed, even though I've yet to try it), Alice, Dorian, Euphrosyne, Regan, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale x2, Bewitched, The Lion, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Arkham, Shub, Misk U, Black Opal, Port-au-Prince, Lyonesse, and La Petit Mort.
Heh. If only. But it's more fun to dream about it here than to put it all in my shopping cart and then close it off.
This has to do with teh sex. There's your warning.
First of all, I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack so bad that I'm about to cry. This doesn't have to do with sex, but it does sort of explain my mindset. I've even tried applying Whitechapel, and I'm still this bad.
Okay, so, intimate time with the husband was minimal while we had the roommate to look after, and I've kind of gotten used to it being that way. I love sex, and I love him, but I have so much trouble getting my head into the right frame of mind. It almost makes me panic, and I dread even cuddling with him because I'm always tense, because I know he's going to ask for it, and you guys don't know how much I wish I could make this entry friends only. I've got more to say, but when it feels like 6000 eyes are prying, I just freeze up. How fitting.
Now I'm pissed, for no reason at all. Gah. PMS already? I need to get it together, because I'll be in school on tuesday. I'm really glad we're only having a 3 day week.
I'm so nervous about having to read LoTR. And I'm nervous about math. I really want to do very well in it.
We got some sleet tonight- I'm praying for a thaw by monday.
Trinsic sent us another bill. How messed up is that? It's in the pile to be faxed to the utilities commission, assuming we have the right number for him. I can't find where I wrote it down.
My husband says that swaps are stressing me out too much and he'd really prefer it if I stopped. So, I've stopped. But. I'm unhappy about it.
Not so much the regular swapping, but I really wanted to get into starting decant circles. We have the money right now for the supplies, but he says we should save it, which means he doesn't want me spending the money on perfume, and I wish he would just say that, because it's not like anything EVER gets saved. We blow it on stupid things, and I would just as soon have the decanting stuff. I get where he's coming from, but I am so frustrated because I'm fixated on the vials right now, and I desperately want to try Hope and Faith. I'll test them at Convergence, though. (Assuming they're going to be among the throng.)
I should just sell all my perfume before Convergence.
I'm in a mood.
Oh! I should be setting up an appointment with a real, live therapist next week sometime. (Not going to the appointment next week, but setting one up for hopefully sometime soon.) That's quite a relief... I will sing the praises of medication for depression and anxiety until I'm blue in the face, because they've helped me so very much... but I think I've reached the limit of where they can take me. It's pretty impressive. I wouldn't have believed it a few years ago, but I'm the happiest I've ever been. I just don't want to slide back into depression, and I feel like I could do that.
So, yeah. Instead of buying decanting supplies, I went switch witch shopping. Okay. I have GOT to stop obsessing over this.
