I arranged for a swap on October 24th with a fairly recognizable person on BPAL.org. I sent a message checking the status of the swap probably the first week of November and on the 14th or 15th, got an apology; she said she was behind in her swaps (which I understand as I get overwhelmed by them sometimes) and that she had sent out a mass PM to her swap partners a while ago but must've left me off, and that she was going to get them out that day. Again, understandable. However, I still don't have the swap. I sent another message to her on the 24th of this month and still haven't heard anything back. She hasn't been on the forum since the 15th. So I'm in a quandry. Do I report a swaplifting? I don't want to be a bitch.
I got a package from Ms. Snark containing the last of my Spring Switch Witchery, and wow! She knitted me a stunning pair of socks, and included the pattern and... I can't stop looking at them! They're like art, for my feet!
Thank you so much, darlin'. That made my day!
I don't like having rare scents. I thought I did, but it feels like there's too much responsibility involved, especially when they're scents I don't -love-. I'm over-anxious about swapping those scents, because I'd be really sad if they got stolen or lost in the mail. I'd be over the moon for a bottle of, say, Storyville, but that's because I can't imagine I'd ever want to get rid of it.
I held onto the Monster Bait scents for WAY too long, because none of them really worked for me, but I didn't want to regret getting rid of them. I swapped (or maybe sold?) Red Lantern and Smut way, way too quickly. I can't remember what I swapped them for- I think I may've gotten Lotus Moon out of Red Lantern, so that's a decent trade- I love Lotus Moon. Anyway, I digress.
Dude. I am having anxiety attacks non-stop. I think it's sugar and holiday stress and, oh yeah, my dad's first wife is dying. And my sister in law is being a complete bitch to my brother, which just blows my mind. It blows my mind that he is in a relationship where his wife can just act like that and, in her mind, it's completely acceptable to do that.
Yet, I really do love her and I think she loves my brother, and I know he loves her, so... it's frustrating. And I can't even think about what would happen to him if they did divorce, because she would fight DIRTY for custody of the kid, I think, and... yeah, my mind is just f'n racing right now. I don't want them to have a bad relationship. He deserves a really solid marriage. And then I feel guilty for judging from the outside, but I can't believe she would call him up like that to just... screech and call him every name in the book because her anxiety is bad. I get it. I thankfully don't know what it's like to be in her head, but I know a bit about anxiety, and she really needs help. She needs to take her f'n medication, she needs therapy for coping skills, and she needs to be accountable for how she behaves despite her condition. Those are hard things, but you learn to do them for the things in life that really matter... like your family.
I don't know all the ins and outs of married life. I'm newly married and I've only lived with my husband for just under a year. So I know I'm not speaking from a point where I can say I really understand what it's like to be living with somebody in a long term relationship for 6+ years, but it still seems like appalling behaviour.
The watchdog group still hasn't contacted me. Our line will be disconnected (rather than the service being interrupted- this means the number will be gone, etc.) on the 18th, and I think that will screw with our DSL connection. Can anyone tell me for sure if it will? I guess I could call Verizon to check on it. This is just giving me fits.
I'm applying for a student loan so that we can dig ourselves out of this hole we're in at least a little bit. My husband is applying for financial aid and plans to start school in the fall, which is very good news. It gives him a goal to focus on, rather than just idly sitting by waiting for more paperwork about his application for disability. He's still doing that, but school is a more immediate thing that is in his control.
My sister better really be moving back into town. I miss her, and it would be really great to get to know her kids. So, check it out! She's going to school for hair-styling, and we were talking recently, and I had commented that this summer I was going to chop all my hair off and give the length to Locks of Love, and I was thinking about dying it blue. My 40-year-old (and before people get offended, keep reading!) conservative, LDS sister was ALL FOR IT. She wants to do it. I love my sister. I would also love very much to look like her when I am 40. Actually, I would like very much to look like her 40-year-old self right now. I don't know that I've gushed about my sister enough here, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it simply must be said, and my thoughts are running a mile a minute right now. (I just emailed the watchdog group. I really hope they get back to me.) Anyway, the awesome part about my sister is that she's always been beautiful, but she's never been snobbish about it. And I'm not being generous because I care about my sister, she is everything I would love to be, only I'd keep my hair. She is tall and thin and her bone structure is gorgeous- but she is the kindest person ever. She's strong and smart and really thoughtful and... okay, I miss talking to my sister.
I am so very glad that I got to have siblings, thanks to my dad's first wife. I do love them, though we are quite different in age ranges. I think we'll all four be together at Christmas, if my sister in law isn't a complete bitch, or if my brother can get time off- which he should be able to.
Okay, I think I've gone on long enough. I am just all over the place right now.
I saw my meds nurse friday and she told me to journal as often as possible. So I'm going to try for everyday.
I first got online in early '99. I was in a bit of a meltdown and thought it would be a great place to find support in a relatively non-threatening sort of way, except I was intimidated by the internet anyway. Horror stories, you know. Regardless, I found a mental health support site and became a part of the community there. They had bulletin boards and a chat room- it took me a month to get the nerve to go into chat, and then I was hooked. I still preferred the forums, though. It gave me time to think my responses through, and I wasn't quick on the keyboard.
Being young for my age and naive as could be, my angst fed on the forum dramas that seemed to always exist. I only got involved if it involved somebody I cared about, but I loved everyone. (I had issues with telling folks I loved them. Apparently, without tone and context, it can look an awful lot like I'm trying to steal somebody's husband. I just had a lot of love at that point and didn't have any qualms about expressing it. That came later.) So my emotions ran high and I made a close-knit circle of friends and felt like less of a freak-- y'know, in retrospect, a mental health forum is not the best place to make friends. You tend to feed off the negative energy rather than find ways out. Anyway. I sort of quit going after having a particularly rough drama occur; I just couldn't deal anymore. They moved the site shortly thereafter, and I joined and lurked occasionally, but never really got back into posting. I didn't even keep in touch with the people who meant the most to me, which makes me sad.
Tonight I wanted to find the last name of a particular member, and I recalled that she had a website linked in her signature, so I went to the site, and it wasn't there. It's been moved again... It's like it has erased more traces of my past. That's one thing I dislike about the internet. Without physical evidence, it's almost like something never happened.
It's a road I don't need to go down again, but every now and again, I feel drawn to it.
I am frustrated with knitting. I tried to knit a scarf with two threads of different coloured yarn and it just looked messy. I had to pull everything out, because I'd pulled two other scarf-beginnings out to start that one, and then that one didn't work out, and then... yeah. Frustrated. Muchly. Also tired, I think.
I don't know how else to describe these things. I've begun collecting these moments in time where I felt an otherworldly calm, or where I felt something fundamental inside me change.
During a period of exceptionally dark depression, sobbing on the phone with my friend Shari (who lives across the country from me) as she frantically looks for a Star of David her grandfather gave her, and then listening to her recite, in Hebrew, the prayer for that day of Hannukah.
In the same mindset and a similar timeframe, being curled up in bed on a trip out of town to visit some friends, unable to go out and socialize, and my friend Stacy coming in and playing her guitar and singing to me. She has a beautiful voice, and I wish I had a recording of something her band has done.
Flying into Knoxville after an all night flight across the states and seeing my husband for the first time. Realizing that we were not just going to patch each other up and then move on, and trusting that he felt the same way also happened in that general period of time.
Staying up and talking with my brother in law about how much he loves my sister. (He is generally not overly expressive in that area.)
There are more, but those first two really have a special place in my heart.
My college has classes that begin as early as 6:50 am. The highway to get there is the main highway between the nearby cities. Wouldn't you think that it would be top priority to get cleared off? That and, you know, the streets that run by the college?
Excuse my mouth, but holy fuck.
Three lanes, and I'm in the middle one. There's a semi and an SUV up ahead and to my right, a car a ways ahead of me, and a truck to my left- and a car behind me. All the sudden, the SUV hits an icy patch and starts veering for the side of the road... but she doesn't. She panicks and starts trying to straighten out the car- in the process, crossing all three lanes and circling more than 350 degrees... and lands smack in the middle of my lane, so that I'm heading for the side of her car, and I'm slowing down and praying that she will figure something out and get moved, and it hits me that she's so freaked out that she's not going to be able to do anything, so I have to do something or hit her car, so at about 30 mph (which I've managed to slow down to, on our 70mph highway), I slip into the right lane at literally the last second, and was shaking and trying not to sob the rest of the way to school... but I didn't wreck my car, and I didn't kill her, or anyone else, but it was SO scary. I don't want to go in tomorrow unless it's all melted away. ALL of it. Dude, that is so scary. I almost threw up. I was so freaked out the entire time I was driving home, too.
Stupid Lord of the Rings. Arrgh. I seriously want to email my 101 instructor and be like, "Do you believe this freak??? OMGSRSLY!" I don't really want to, but I wish I knew if he would be surprised that my papers are rating so poorly.
I was so tired today that for a brief moment, everything I looked at was this odd shade of orange.
I have a presentation to give in my speech class on thursday. How stressed about that am I? Very little. Less than I probably should be.
Guh.
I didn't even get to nap today. And I haven't been to the mailbox, and I have swaps that need to go out. Speaking of swaps, I haven't heard anything further from Duck Mountain, though I imagine she's got a few things to get in order. I guess I was expecting that to be sort of straightened out when she sent the message.
I have never wanted a BPAL tee shirt as much as Pink Moon... and my mom snagged it for me! That sucker is going to be so very worn out it's not even funny.
Is it summer yet? Why is there another quarter of classes before the break? I want summer break noooooow. I'm hoping next quarter changes that mindset for me, though.
What'm I going to take in the fall? That's a good question. It's something fun to obsess over! A&P 1 for sure. Other possibilities: English 201, Statistics, Pre-calc, Speech, some sort of literature class, physical anthropology... Dunno! Probably statistics and literature.
I can't believe I am so close to Convergence right now and I can't get there. That seems immeasurably unfair, and I just want to lay in bed and weep. It's within DRIVING distance, and we have $2 to our names.
There's never going to be a way to replicate this, either. Convergence will happen again, but the people attending this year are not all going to be at the next one, and I love Portland, and I just don't know how to handle this.
I think chocolate is in order.
Yeah, poor me. Hah. I am actually okay. My husband and I were grumpy at one another tonight and so I was in a bad mood- it's strange, because we rarely have arguments; we're pretty good at straight-up communication, I think, but every now and then we just sort of misfire and get on one another's nerves, and that's what happened tonight. BUT I'm trying to let it go.
I made six loaves of bread today, and studied in between. SIX, people! I gave one to my parents. Does anybody know how many cups are in a gallon, approximately? I need to figure out how many loaves of bread I get out of a gallon of milk.
So, when I was brand new, a few people sent me free imps just to get me hooked. Every now and then, when the spirit moves me and I have extras, I offer to send some out. I did that recently with someone I'd been corresponding with and feeling pretty friendly with. So I sent them to her, and it's like she fell off the face of the planet. She quit coming to the forums a few weeks after it should have arrived, and I sent her a couple of messages telling her it was on the way, and then asking if it had gotten there safely, and I heard nothing from her. This bugs me. It's not like I wanted her to shout it from the rooftops or anything; I know plenty of other people do this, but just some acknowledgement via PM or SOMETHING would have been nice. Arg.
My brain is all over the place. And I can't remember where in the brain Wernicke's area is.
Finals are scary!!!
I think I realized why this recent swaplifting has me so more upset than the first one did. I think it's because I lost a unique bottle in this swap, whereas I'd just paid Mistress Tera for the bottle and decants the first time it happened. But this time... My Chaos Theory is just GONE. I can't swap for it again. There isn't anymore of it. It was one of a kind, and it was mine, and... yeah. It's not anymore. And I don't have anything to show for it.
I'm thinking of sending them both Christmas cards (or holiday cards, I guess) and asking politely for a refund of what I gave them in it, but then I just get too angry and don't even want to deal with it.
I think I might sell my bottles from here on out. Hoping for the best is just wearing on me.
Of course, I won't. I'm too addicted to swapping. Here's the thing, though- I can't even say that I'll just limit it to reliable swappers, because both of these people were reliable prior to swapping with me. WTF? Please, please, stop choosing the time that I'm swapping with you to wig out and leave everyone hanging. I think I included frimps in with the CT.
I don't even have an episode of Heroes recorded to soothe my wounded soul from today.
My math teacher? Is insane. No calculators on exams or the final. This is an algebra class. He also does pop quizzes and collects homework randomly, and doesn't make use of the online math center that helped me so very much last quarter. This blows.
Math was the class I was least worried about.
Now I have to upset my whole schedule, and it's just aggravating, and I just don't like the guy, right off the bat.
Although I hated my english teacher early on and we're on good terms now.
I think I'm going to drop math this quarter and take it next. Now to figure out a good class to pick up in its stead...
My eyes ache from my earlier hysterics.
First, before I forget: You all must sign up for SevenSins' Artist Trading Card swap. If you don't know what they are, check out the first post in that thread (it's in the circular swap area) because she has some great links. They're essentially artistic baseball/magic/trading cards. It seems like a fun way to let off some creative steam and I already have some ideas! Inky, I'm looking at you! Not to single anyone out or anything. Ahem.
Moving on: I'm dieting. With chocolate. (That reminds me of the nutrisystem commercial- "Any diet that allows me to eat chocolate every day is a diet for me!" I watch too much TV, heh.) I'm going to fast a couple of days a month with tea and water on those days. The rest of the days, I'm going to eat stuff that's high in fiber, and my meals are going to be primarily cereal, supplimented by vegetables, fruits, and other snacky things. There is NO reason I can't do this. Plus, that Special K cereal with chocolate in it totally works for me. Does that sound like a good plan?
I'm also going to be looking for this awesome yoga/pilates dvd that I borrowed from netflix and can't remember what it was anymore. It wasn't yoga or pilates, but it drew on both, and dance and martial arts and other movement forms, and it really worked for me. It was something like, "Pilates: Target Specific" because it had workouts that would focus on different areas of the body. And! Wal-mart has one of those sit-up roller things for $15 that I'm going to have to splurge on.
Finally, I'm going to start writing affirmations (as per the "creating your own reality" thread) on index cards and keeping them in a box. I don't know if it works, but it can't hurt to try.
I did something right with psychology- I got a 3.8!! Math is, of course a 3.4 (curses! I was hoping to make it to a 3.5, but it just didn't happen.) and the fitness center grade was a 4.0. So my quarterly GPA is a 3.83 and my cumulative is 3.42. I'm just sort of thrilled over psych right now. Hopefully my classes for next quarter will have similar results.
In other news, I'm now a super member on the forums!
I am all over the place tonight. So I have this horrible confession to make. I'm too embarrassed to make it on the forum, though I might as well be.
Everytime somebody dies, I resent my dad for still being alive. I don't have the energy to actively hate him, though when I think about it, I do.
I wonder if anyone will hurt when he dies.
Gah. This isn't productive. I need to get out of here for a bit.
I was going to postsecret that (with less words, of course), but I think I'll just leave it here.
I've lost momentum with my secret project now that school started and I had to pull out five rows. Five doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot.
I almost bought a set of size 3 double pointed needles today, and then realized I wouldn't have the first idea how to use them. I'll get there eventually, I guess. I don't know.
I'm doing okay in math so far. I like that it's a much slower pace. I just could not cover that amount of material in such a short time and grasp it... obviously. So I'm going to work really hard this quarter, again.
I need to work out next week. I'll try and go in extra early one day, if I can get to bed early enough. I just need to get in there, it doesn't matter how long. If I do it once, I can do it regularly from there on out without it being too much of a strain on my anxiety. So... here's hopin'.
I wish my switchee would post more!
I can knit! I'm really awkward, and I don't know any sort of technique for holding the needles, and I'm excruciatingly slow, but considering that my 9-year-old tutor couldn't remember how to cast the yarn onto the needle, I think I'm doing fairly well. She also told me that I couldn't take the first needle out of the line of stitches until the next line was all done, instead of sliding them over to the second needle as they're being done (does that make sense? The explanation, not the technique, which is absurd. Heh.) I basically couldn't move my needle by the end of that one row. So I figured out how to do it and I"m slowly getting better. I don't know anything, though. Just the basic casting stitch thing. I think. I don't know. It looks pretty, though! And it's more versatile than crochet, I think. I'm pretty excited. It's given me something to focus on and not think about life. Yay for knitting! I've got a small piece of a rather wide scarf-- it's about two hands wide. Wide hands; they're mine. My needles are really long, and they're 10... uh, gauge? I don't know the term. But that's the number.
I wish the needles weren't quite so long, and a little thicker. I may have to do some shopping. I want to knit something for my nephew, who shall be arriving into the world in December-- here's the problem my husband pointed out. He's kind of in the south. Like, southern Mississippi, near New Orleans. It's just not very cold there. He doesn't need a lot of blankets or hats or anything. So, any ideas?
I know I'm not always the most tactful person in the world, but why do people have to be rude? And why do they have to perpetuate drama? It frustrates me to see the forum degenerate into name-calling and snide remarks masked in smilies. Delivering an insult with a smile is still an insult, and is often more offensive that way. I understand wanting to have the last word, but you don't always need it. Go vent about it elsewhere. Start a blog. Do whatever you need to do, but work it out. Stop campaigning for your cause, because nobody cares.
I don't agree with everyone, and I get my hackles up if I feel insulted (which has happened once, and I did react really harshly.) or protective of a friend, or both. But sometimes just let it go. The forum isn't life or death, and if it is, you really need to see about chilling out.
Who am I talking to? That's a good question. (I was just remarking that I hate when people talk like that- rhetorical questions that they immediately answer. I think I saw it on Shark when I mentioned it. Anyway.) If you think I'm talking about you, you probably have good reason to think that, and it's probably true. I'm not talking about one single person, or one single side. Right or wrong, it gets absurd on both sides. Then again, I'm not talking about anyone who is reading my blog, probably.
Conflict is a part of life, and how we deal with it says a lot about who we are as people. I'm obviously a little(!!) unbalanced, but I'm trying to work out my flaws there.
I don't think people are bad. I just think sometimes you've got to take a step back.
I've been a member of BPAL.org for a year now! Wow.
I mean absolutely no offense to anybody with this post, especially not Krissy, but I don't get the kritters. I appreciate that other people like them and want them, but it doesn't resonate with me, I guess? They just sort of puzzle me. And, again, this is not meant to harm anyone's feelings or anything, but the price seems a little high. I don't know. I'm in a shitty mood, so please keep that in mind. I am sure they are adorable and they obviously have a fanbase, but... I dunno. I don't get it.
Here's another thing! Anybody here know of Melody? She writes books about gems and shit- I don't know her last name, don't really care. She's very new agey and has really long, white hair. Anyway. This woman I used to be friends with (V) hooked up with a doctor shortly after her husband died (he was admittedly an asshole, though, but still) and the doctor is old friends with Melody, so V used to go on and on about her and how she named gems after the doctor. Eventually V and the Dr. wanted to get "married", but she wouldn't get her dead husband's pension if she did, or something, so they had a commitment ceremony instead. (This is going somewhere, seriously.) Well, I went over to this ceremony at the doctor's house (oddly enough, they still weren't living together, and didn't for the first few months...) and met all these people and briefly spoke with Melody. Then V gets all excited and is like, "She's going to perform this special blessing on us!" And Melody turns to me, and I shit you not, says, "This bottle," she holds up this tiny blue bottle, "has water from the Ark of the Covenant in it." And I'm so taken aback that all I can say is, "Really." Pause. "Huh." And her eyes are shining all mystical like, and V's just thrilled to death, and I'm sitting there going, "Did I miss something?"
Water. Ark of the Covenant. And she was dead serious.
I've always wanted to introduce my husband to her by saying, "Oh! This is V- you remember me talking about her, right? She got married with the water from the Ark of the Covenant?" Hee.
Do you ever really get over that person who evokes the first exhilirating burst of love? Not your first crush, nor the first person you went out with whenever that began, but the first person you could actually feel in your soul; the one you could see yourself with, growing old together, the very first person to take your breath away and make you rethink everything you've ever heard about the concept of love? Does that one ever really heal?
I love my husband with all my heart, truly I do. I don't want anyone else. So why do I find myself still looking for this other person? Actively looking. It doesn't make sense.
I got oddly sick today- yesterday, now. I was really weak and dizzy and there were other symptoms as well. My name change hearing is tomorrow, and I'm pretty freaked out over it.
"So, why 'Grace?'"
Lots of people have asked me that. Honestly, for real, I don't know. I mean, I think it's a lovely name; always have. But I'm sort of the least graceful person in the world, so it'll be something of an irony. It feels right to me, still. I'm happy with it. The word 'grace' can mean several things, and I like that, as well.
It's not a family name; it's my name.
My mother-in-law has made a point of calling me Grace, and scolding my husband when he doesn't. I heart her- I feel very lucky.
I'm not excited about going to court tomorrow. I don't know what to expect.
I waited too long to record the wedding details. I'm forgetting stuff, and that makes me so sad. It was magical. I'm so glad it's over. I never thought I'd be able to say something like that- if I treasured a memory, I obsessively wished I could re-live it. There were underlying reasons; there always are- but it's a sign I've grown some. I'm just happy to have the memory.
I suck.
Gah. Sorry for the drama queen syndrome. I just got the results of my last math exam and I sucked, and it pulled my GPA down and I'm really really depressed over it. So, yeah. I got a little intense with the poor me and thus we have suckage.
As some of you might know, my sister decided to get a divorce this summer, a decision that floored me- but that I do support. She loves her kids and wouldn't do anything without a good reason. I've learned some of those reasons. They met in court yesterday to begin the proceedings- I don't know the precise terms, but they were supposed to present one another with papers or something. I had a therapy appointment yesterday. My husband was in the waiting room and my sister's husband walked into the building. He was carrying various folders and papers and whatnot, and greeted my husband, who probably wouldn't have noticed him otherwise. So therapy is hitting on some rough territory lately and I'm usually quite a wreck after them. We got into the car and my husband explains what he saw, suggesting that my sister's husband might've been meeting with a lawyer. I shook my head. He wasn't meeting with A lawyer. He was meeting with THE lawyer. I don't live in a huge metropolis, but if we had the equivalent of a hotshot media-whore sleazy big city lawyer, he would be it.
Last I heard, my sister was working with legal aid, or whoever does it for cheap, so I tried to get ahold of her all day to see if she knew. Last night, I finally did. She did know. It's ALL like something out of a soap opera. Apparently, she hadn't been aware that he'd had a lawyer until they both swept into court... because the lawyer wasn't even on the dockett. Huh? How does that even work? Is it legal to take a judge by surprise like that?
And I'm worried her lawyer isn't even competent.
"For the duration of your mortal lives"
That bothers me more than "till death do you part."
I'll continue the full account, but I wanted to write about this now.
As I mentioned previously, I was raised primarily in the LDS church. One thing the church really hammers home is the importance of eternal families. Eternal families are formed through sacred covenants made in a temple wedding ceremony- the couple is sealed in the temple, as the phrase goes. (Not literally.) Anyone who marries outside the temple, provided they are given ample opportunity in this life to do so, will not be able to remain with their spouse beyond death. Despite my doubts about my devotion to christianity as a whole, this really scares me. I don't know that we will have a lot of time together on this earth, so what if it really is true? This must sound ridiculous or lofty or something, but... I just love him so much. I don't want to spend eternity knowing I could've been with him, but my choices made it so I can't.
With "til death do you part," it was easier to reassure myself that a mortal death doesn't kill the soul- thus, there is no death. "For the duration of your mortal lives" is pretty freaking straightforward. There's no room for interpretation there. It's like an expiration date has been stamped on our marriage, and the silly thing is that I don't even know if I believe that. I know I shouldn't. I know that no just God would sentence me to hell for not getting married in the temple- and, while the LDS religion doesn't teach that people who aren't married in the temple will go to hell (just a lower degree of heaven), eternity without him would be hell for me, no matter how nice the accomodations.
It makes me afraid of losing him. I shouldn't be obsessing over this; I know. I just can't help it.
